It's as easy as...

It’s been 15 months as the president of Clinical Magnet and I’ve learned so much about business, about healthcare in the U.S. and about what it takes to put on 50 pounds in 18 months (yes-not an exaggeration- FIVE ZERO). I’ve learned how to be a better leader of people and I’ve learned how fragile balance can be. And, ironically, how easy it can be to achieve. I recently mentioned the ease in which one can choose balance, so I’d like to argue with myself and counter with the question, “Why do so many of us choose the opposite of balance”? Please start a list comprised of the people you know (include yourself, if applicable) who struggle with getting everything done, showing up on time, appreciating the life around them and attempting to look totally calm (while they are a train wreck on the inside).  The numbers will blow you away. That list is HUGE, isn’t it? So here we are. A group of people, living beautiful lives with miserable feelings and all the while, I sit here and tell you that balance is a pretty simple choice?!?

My personal story isn’t widely different than others; I worked too much, I didn’t hang with my family, I ate too much, I gained weight, I lost weight, repeat. Some of you have read my story in previous posts, so as a quick refresher…I’ve enjoyed being a seeker of balance and I hid that passion (for years) while pretending to be someone and something I’m not (the “for years part” equates to the bulk of my college years, 20’s and 30’s and I appeared more comfortable tipping the scales toward “unbalanced” and then blamed work or other aspects of life, so as a mechanism of defense, I became really good at numbing my personal and professional challenges with food and booze and then empowered those decisions to wreak havoc on my overall health. I’m not going to be a victim and blame my travel or my industry or my job or my kids or my family. That wouldn’t be fair and it makes more sense, to me, to get introspective and embrace that my own insecurities, my own self-doubt and the space between my ears led to the discomfort that starts the vicious cycle of eating or drinking away the frustration.

So here we are…12 months after my last post and I’ve rebuilt my blog (the story behind the change is on my “why I blog” section) and my interests and passions are around spreading the story of how I chose balance during a year that clearly called for buckets of scotch, chicken wings and food induced naps. The results from this year away from writing…I have achieved peace and balance. I have never been more peaceful or balanced with my marriage, my children, my career, my health, my friendships, my golf game, my bank account and that list can go on as long as it would like. It’s time to share stories, time to reflect on the collection of amazing experiences and time to help others who may struggle with the same story and who may have an interest in breaking the cycle and making the simple and powerful decision to be free and balanced.

I leave you with a bit of my very own poetry…

“They filled over time- these buckets of burden. Always with me and still…I refuse to give in! Will he? Won’t he? Onward we march, keep moving! What’s that in the distance? It feels peaceful- how do I get there? My friend…set down those buckets and peace will be yours.”

CEO of Mom & Dad's Basement

In the summer of 2008 I was introduced to a woman who has helped support dramatic change with my thinking and behavior.  At the time of our introduction, I was the Managing Director for a Detroit based Talent Acquisition Company (fancy way of saying a recruiting company) and I was invited to take part in a session for our company’s future leaders. As we gathered for the meeting, I noticed a kind souled and eccentric person walking into our conference room. She appeared way too calm, peaceful is a better way to describe her demeanor, and she had a soft spoken tone, which forced each of us (about 20 employees) to sit forward in our chairs and really focus in on what she was discussing.

This woman talked to our group for the best part of two hours and we talked, heavily, about moving our thoughts from “Fear” to “Freedom”. She talked about the power of the ego, she talked about the lack of truth, transparency, trust and honest dialogue within Corporate America and although I was a bit skeptical at first, I was enthralled by the way she engaged our group. At the end of her session, my teammates looked at each other differently. We soon learned that 6 of us were selected to take part in 1:1 coaching with this woman and that’s where this story begins.

The woman I refer to is Kimberly Knapp. She’ll laugh and tell you to call her Kim, but I think Kimberly makes her sound way more distinguished. Kim has become a friend, she is a mentor and she has been my coach for 7 years. Kim has helped me shed my looming self-doubt, she has helped me embrace a deeper and more spiritual way of thinking through my life experiences and she has supported me on one of the most intense journeys I’ve ever taken.

Before I jump too far into our story, let me share a bit of my background.  I’m a 42 year-old father (of 3), husband (of 1- any more than 1 would thoroughly piss off my wife), son (of two very special parents), brother, brother-in-law, employee and the list goes on. Each of us has a number of roles we play in life and as life’s journey moves forward, the roles we play have a different level of intensity, don't they?  When we are in our “youth”, we rely on the role our parents play in our journey. As we move on past high school, it’s the role of friend that seems to take the front seat. At some point, God willing, we find another to love and the role of husband or wife takes the “first chair” in our worlds and then it happens…we become parents.

It’s this role (parenting) that sparked my interest in writing this article. I’ve lived in metro Detroit for the bulk of my life and as my wife and I began parenting we changed. We found ourselves, as some parents do, totally consumed in the byproduct of our relationship (our kids). We made these little buggers with the love and passion we held for each other and once they joined the world, we shifted our attention from each other, directly to them (sometimes this has been a challenge, but I’ll get to that later). As so many parents do, we worked to ensure our three children experienced love and that they knew we were also going to be life educators on their journey. As my parenting responsibilities increased, as did my career.

Kim and I started our coaching relationship from a “career” perspective, but she quickly helped me see that the coaching I was receiving was applicable to all aspects of life and, in fact, it was the philosophy that was so applicable and as I was starting to embrace it (Freedom Based thought vs. Fear Based thought), I was able to cross coach my kids, with lessons learned for the board room.

Flash forward to 2015 and I am the Vice President of the Recruitment Process Outsourcing (RPO) division of a $220m recruiting firm and I intend to be the division’s President by 2016. My career has become rooted in adding value to people’s lives (my employees, my clients, my family, etc.) and having fun while doing it. In our industry, we create corporate recruiting teams for our clients, so needless to say, my teams and I have been part of client organizations for the last 20 years who have helped put more than 200,000 people to work. I’ve interviewed, screened, strategized, hired, fired, promoted, coached and developed thousands of people, so when I told Kim that I was getting concerned about a trend I’m seeing in our country, she looked at me with a concern that I’ve never seen on her face before.

That concern is tied to an apathy I’ve detected from young professionals (ages 18-22). I’m seeing less power in the handshake, fewer and fewer thank you notes and the ones we receive are generally loaded with “text type”. I’m watching a level of entitlement relative to the compensation tied to “entry level” employment and have been recently told, by two young professionals, that they’d rather NOT work than have to start at the bottom of the ladder. As I articulate these concerns to Kim, she shared that she, too, is watching something similar.

Kim’s traditionally peaceful demeanor became very stoic and she asked me a set of questions that I won’t forget. “Would you be able to hire your kids, in 10 years’ time, Trav?” “My kids? I pushed back abruptly, “This isn’t about my kids, Kim, this is about the kids I’m seeing enter the workforce”. “Well”, she said, “They’ll be in this workforce soon enough and what are you doing to ensure that they will add the value that you constantly tout as one of your success factors?”

These questions have been bothering me for a few months and it was the question Kim asked that sparked me to transition my thoughts and actions to my own behaviors and to the support of my children's behaviors.  I’d like to challenge each of you to reflect on those questions, too. Will your kids be employable? Are you focused on raising children who can shake hands (with confidence), who can write a letter or email with clarity, precision and intelligence? Are you raising your children to experience life and to take risks? Are you raising innovators? Are you raising problem solvers?

I ask you these questions because these are the questions that I’ll ask your children when they try to enter the workforce. I’ll ask them how they solve problems, I’ll expect a solid email thank you (with proper grammar and not those god damn emoticons and text type) and I’ll expect them to have answered my questions about the power of innovation, how they innovate, how they solve problems in a group setting and most importantly, they need to answer these questions to my face and not through a text message.

I ask you these questions because it seems, to me, that we are going to have a collision with the magnitude of two trains, loaded with steel, flying toward each other at 120 MPH and the end result isn’t going to be good. I have been guilty of raising my kids to be polite (which is important) and to be well behaved (another positive attribute), but I've also realized that I condoned too much technology, too little discussion at the dinner table (if at all, because of all the damn practices we run to) and you’ll get my point, I'm not focusing on the very things that can aid to a person's success in the workplace. At what point do we shift our parenting to also include the celebration of mistakes (and embrace them as learnings), to play at the park on their own (so they learn to self-govern) and what was I doing to help them learn the power of succinct communication (person to person, not via text or email). Honestly, I don't feel like I am doing enough.

I’ve asked these questions to provoke thought and challenge and I’ll be focused on these topics for the ensuing weeks, so we can have open dialogue and discussion, and so each of us can prevent raising the future CEO of Mom & Dad’s Basement.

Is perfection real?

Have you ever used or heard someone use a phrase similar to... "I've gotta keep working on this, I guess I'm a perfectionist!"? I’ve witnessed perfectionists at work, I’ve lived with perfectionists and I’ve even claimed to be one (at one time in my life). As my life journey continues to advance, though, I’ve recognized an inherent danger with being a “perfection” chaser, so I steer away from using the word at all cost.

Chasing perfection, to me, is a dangerous path, because it sets an expectation that isn’t achievable. What have I seen the chase for perfection lead to:

1. Delays- the perfectionist will work, rework and rework some more (all in the spirit of having the perfect product or project, but 9 out of 10 times, the “work” never gets completed).

2. Risk Aversion- I’ve witnessed “perfectionists” miss out on job opportunities because while they were writing the perfect resume, someone stepped passed them in line, applied, was willing to make a mistake or two and EARNED the job.

3. Missed experiences (business or otherwise) - I’ve watched businesses use the excuse of perfectionism, all the while they seem to be hiding from a fear of the unknown and their businesses stagnate for fear that their new expansion, product or service might not be “perfect”.

Be willing to be “un-perfect”, in every aspect of life. Be willing to take a risk, say “I don’t know” and keep moving forward on life's path. In the long run, you’ll end up more productive, gather more experiences and I feel that you’ll be more innovative. Don’t wait for perfection. In my opinion, it isn’t worth the wait!

Here we go, again...

Here we go,again…My son was sitting across from me at dinner the other night and I was fresh off watching one of my latest Netflix shows, Everest, which is a reality TV show about the wide and varying skills of the crews and people who risk their lives to achieve the summit of the world’s tallest peak (some 27,000+ feet above sea level). As I started to talk about Everest, at dinner, my 10-year old says, “here we go again”, with a Cheshire cat grin on his face and the whole table erupted. Two immediate observations from his comment; 1) I tell great stories at dinner & 2) My dreams are not always simple; they are riddled with challenge, test and stretch, so it’s not uncommon for me to think up crazy and whacky things to dream about, but when it comes to seeing all of them through…I lack follow through, fair point. As I mentioned, my son’s comment broke the entire table into laughter, and because we were surrounded by my family at the dinner table, all of whom know me well, our laughter was even deeper (hell- they’ve all heard my ideas; food trucks, living off the grid, mountain climbing, writing, CEO roles, etc.). I dream, incessantly. If I see a cowboy movie- I’m movin’ out west, watch the Godfather- I’m starting my own organized crime family, you get the point. Here we go, again… Why do I dream? Part of the reason is that I believe I’m going to live a shorter life than most people. Not sure why, but I’ve always believed this to be the case and candidly, regardless of another 5 years, 20 years or 50 years on this planet, I’d like to experience more. Our time, regardless of how long, is all relatively short (when you use eternity as the benchmark), so I don’t let my time on this earth concern me, but that finite about of time does inspire and motivate me to sample life. As I reflect back on my dinner conversation with my family and I ponder my ratio of dreaming to doing, another observation cascades through my mind; DO THINGS & EXPERIENCE THINGS, end of story. From the mouths of our children come the most pure and truthful observations and my children have observed an enormous amount of dreaming from their father, but have they lived the bulk of their lives with a man who has become a bit routine? It happens to most of us at some point, right? What we used to do on the weekends, simply become great camp fire stories about “back in the day”, so as you move through life, don’t forget to keep that ratio of “dreaming to doing” in a fair balance. Here we go, again… It is very easy to be consumed by the daily routine of living, working, parenting and the list goes on…but I’m thankful that my son, inadvertently, challenged my ratio of dreaming to doing. New jobs, new restaurants, new involvement in the community, a hike through the neighborhood, a holiday overseas, a new book a month, a new dinner routine… so many things we can all do that might vary us from that daily routine. What I’ve learned, as of late, is that we aren’t all going to climb Mt. Everest, but we sure as hell better keep talking about it and pushing ourselves, because we have so many opportunities to explore life, this planet and everything that surrounds us… so my cry- please don’t get trapped in the routine. Keep experiencing and I challenge you to explore something new, this week. Yes, my son, “here we go, again” – after all, we’ve got some mountain climbing to do, don’t we?

94.7

Each day, week and month, I look for something new to experience. I’ve explored careers, friends, sports, travel, waist sizes, fashion, foods and friends. I’ve also read, followed and studied a number of philosophers over the last 5 years and I’m always intrigued by their ability to contemplate life and all of its components (work, friends, family, strangers, stress, joy, peace, etc.). Rand, Coehlo, Tolle, Socrates, Parthasarathy and Einstein are examples of people who I’ve read or studied who have used thought and change as a “freeing” principle in their lives. Of those listed, Socrates has become someone I pay close attention to and although he didn’t write often (most of his work has been “handed down”), everything you read about him points in the same direction. His quotes and belief systems have been interpreted to focus on the repeated act of inspiring people to “think” independently, which is why I continue to quote him on my posts.

I came across another quote of his, which connects me to my next life experience. “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” Have you ever focused all of your energy on something? I, for one, have not. The concept seems a bit challenging, but I love the power of the idea. I wonder how many of us have sat around a camp fire, sat on a deck, sat on a boat or maybe while on a walk and thought about making a “change” in some aspect of our lives. It could be as simple as… it’s time to rearrange furniture in the living room or it could be as scary and complex as…it’s time to stop drinking, either way- change is something that sparks thought, so I love it.

Most of us have experienced that desire for change, but why does change become a challenge to bring to life? I know lots of people, myself included, who have let those little bits of fear linger in their heads and when time for change is contemplated, they just trudge on and continue doing the same old things and the opportunity to change passes by. Amazingly powerful, isn’t it? Just a wee bit of fear can make that change feel too dramatic to conquer, but yet we seek change all the time, don’t we? Speaking of change…I’ve had an interesting 5 years. I love the people I work with, I’m spending time with my family, I have everything I need and more and I feel more at peace with almost every aspect of my life, which is fantastic. Please note the key word in that last sentence… “almost”, as it is time for me to change one more thing in life.

For the last two months I’ve been focused on another set of changes, and over the weeks and months that follow I’ll be testing that theory of fear and its ability to derail change. Maybe you’ll notice it, maybe you won’t, but I can promise you that it will be another experience that I hope will arm me with great stories that can be shared with my kids and family (and for that matter, anyone else who has an interest in listening).

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new” – Socrates

You should wash your...

I just washed my 2003 Ford Focus, which has affectionately been named “meep meep” in our family, due to the powerfully majestic, trumpet-like sound the horn makes when honked. I couldn’t help but smile after washing the car because it is so damn satisfying to have a clean vehicle. I’m a car wash junkie. End of story. Not the run of the mill, little self serve shit washes, I’m talking about the overpriced, eleven different waxes, and a crew of 20 that make you feel like you’ve just entered the pit at Talladega car washes. This afternoon, a team of 9 worked on my car and after this team of automotive cleansing technicians finished up on my “ride”, I began to think about how truly wonderful it is to not have to worry about snow, slush or ice for the next 8 months (now that I’ve typed this, it will probably snow 1 more time in Detroit), but you get the drift.

There is something therapeutic about taking a dirty car and getting her cleaned, dirty laundry and getting it washed, folded and replaced from where the clothes came or to take that dirty pile of dry cleaning into the cleaners, knowing full well that they will be returned to you in a matter of days, hanging in the crisp and clean fashion I have grown to love.

You see- I love the energy that little accomplishments generate. Ever so small and subtle, they motivate me. Chaos to order, dirty to clean, wrinkled to crease…all of these examples work back to the power of accomplishment. Too often, I find myself looking so far down life’s path; I tend to forget about the power of the little action, which leads to the little accomplishment. String enough of those little accomplishments together and you have most likely completed a solid project (and then the energy and mojo really pick up steam). Once you pull a couple of projects to completion, you’ve begun the process of epic change...and that’s powerful.

It is hard to bring big change to fruition, so my advice on this fine afternoon…start with little accomplishments (at work or in your personal life) and before you know it, your world will change in the way you may have intended.

Could you do it?

I went for my morning run (well, actually, I bitched and moaned about getting into and out of a cold car while traveling to my health club, so I could spend 45 minutes with my favorite treadmill), but you get it…I ran. I got home about an hour later; I cleaned up, grabbed my 9 year old and we “hit the town”. A bit dramatic for a Sunday morning, but I’d promised him some Dad time, so we grabbed an early lunch and then went to watch Mr. Peabody and Sherman.

We got to the theatre a bit early, as I incorrectly read my Fandango app, so with about an hour to kill before the show, I did what any father would do when he isn’t in the presence of his better half…I promised to go BUY stuff for my son (and for me). We talked about a couple of ideas (most of which revolved around pet stores), but we finally landed on a place that suited both of us; the book store. I read pretty regularly and my kids do too, so both of us smiled on the agreed upon location and we made a quick stop to buy some solid reading material. After a couple philosophy books, a sticker book for my little girl, the divergent trilogy and some book about dragons, swords and fantasy world domination (my sons are obsessed with medieval times), my American Express had enough and we bounced back to the movies.

A good flick and a few hours later, I’m pondering my intense joy from acquiring things. Buying shit makes me feel good, end of story. It’s kind of funny, but yes, I like to buy (not shop, shopping is the worthless exercise of pondering over items), I’m talking about walk in, staying focused and grabbing things to be purchased. I like buying. Technology, pictures, books, phones, lap tops, puzzles, clothes (running, work, casual, bar, etc), televisions, golf clubs, bocce sets (who doesn’t want to play bocce), lawn jarts (don’t pretend you don’t like playing lawn games), bikes, skateboards…the list goes on and on.

From my intense interest in material acquisition, you’d think my family might be on the next episode of “hoarders”, but I promise you, it’s not that bad. We have a clean house, a garage that holds two cars and an attic that still has plenty of room to walk around. I just enjoy spending what I have. At a certain point, one begins to question how much is enough. If you are beginning to wonder how the hell I transitioned this article from a pleasant day at the movies to a quest for understanding the power of materialism, please hold on, I’m getting to the point.

Last night my family went to mass, followed by a religious education session for my kids. We watched a re-enactment of the “Beatitudes”, which was a historic speech delivered by Jesus Christ, where he educates the masses on his secret of life and the happiness and joy this secret would create. Some of you may recognize the core messages…blessed are the meek, blessed are the peace keepers, blessed are the humble, etc.

In short, my religion and my God work to keep me pointed in a direction of humility and living for love and life, not the “need” for stuff (so I’ve been contemplating a shift in my “buy stuff” mentality) and I wanted to run the idea by you.

Layer over yesterday’s mass, a great morning with my son and then a movie about a time traveling dog (the characters visit cool places in history and see times where “stuff” did not rule the world…see, I can even philosophize about cartoon movies) and a few hours of wonder later…BAM, you have the makings of an article.

My son, Brecken, made a comment on the way home from our morning together, “Dad, what a great day”. He followed with, “I love just being around”, don’t you?

These were wise words from an over scheduled 9-year old boy. For the first time in 30 weeks, we haven’t had anywhere to go (we had no practices, no games and no school events), so the places we chose this morning didn’t require our phones, or the most luxurious wardrobe or the most up to date technology. Simply stated, we had time with each other. All of this made me think about “my stuff”. I guess I’m wondering what it would be like if I pared down, if society pared down and what impact it would have on our lives? Could we live without all of those “things” that help create the illusion of security or that feel good sensation? If we did pare down from the stuff and shifted our attention to each other, would we be able to reconnect at a deeper level? Would we become more focused friends, employees, parents, loved ones? We probably would.

I’m not sure how this will all impact me in the weeks or months that follow, but I’m comfortable with exploring, so here’s the challenge. After I post this, I’m going to work with my wife and children to begin reducing. Get ready Goodwill…it’s game time! We are going to pare down a bit, I’ll refrain from some of those impulse purchases and we’ll get to see what we can do with each other, instead of with our things. Yes, Brecken, I guess it does feel pretty good to just “be around”.

Work "hard" and smile often...

I just left a meeting with my coach, Kim Knapp, and had another really insightful discussion, which caused me to think about something I say (often) and now I’m considering reworking it a bit. To share context, I’ve just gone through a 363 process and received the results today. For those who aren’t aware, the 360 degree feedback program is widely used in corporate America to help leaders assess where gaps might occur in their personal & leadership styles. The definition, 360, is tied to the “full circle” feedback you receive from a variety of inputs; your responses to the survey, your peer’s responses, your direct reports’ responses and a hand selected group of “other” participants. All in, I had 9 people fill out a survey covering 8 leadership disciplines and I’d be lying if I didn’t mention that I was quite nervous about the whole thing. After all, I’m prone to over thinking and I also carry a heaping helping of “wanting approval” in my life, so getting vulnerable enough to ask peers, employees and other members of the leadership team I sit on, to weigh into my world and offer their perspectives was freaking scary.

The results came back and although I have a number of “development” areas, it appears that the picture I hold of my self is pretty consistent with the picture my team holds of me. Overall, the development areas are very realistic and most important to me, my self rating, in most cases, was lower (on a scale) than those of my peers, employees and leadership counterparts, so I felt good about the process. My coach, the DISC-363 interpreter and I reviewed line by line and began to make a “plan” on how to continue focusing on the requests I received from the feedback. This was a very interesting exercise and one I’m working to implement with my current team because this version of the 360 (why it’s called 363) is tied to the extra 3 degrees. Psychologists, who statistically validated this tool, work with subject matter experts on 3 “development areas” attributed to all of your feedback, so in theory, it gives you a road map on the behaviors one might adjust to continue developing into a strong leader of people, process and general business.

My coach shared her excitement about the “coaching plan” and asked me what I thought. My response to her was; “I have to keep working hard and smiling, right?” Those two things have served me well over the last 17 years of my career, but when I said it, she got that “coachy” look on her face and asked why I felt like I had to work “hard”? I tried to justify the remarks and she went on to share her opinions about work. Shouldn’t it be effortless? Shouldn’t work and our personal lives be more effortless? After all, so many of us claim to want peace, serenity and calming energy in our lives, but yet, we tend to claim the need for hard work too. I, for one, want all that peace stuff, but I also claim that “working hard and keeping a good attitude” are the key drivers of success (bit of a contradiction).

We spoke for a few more moments and I fully understood her point. The idea of “working hard” needs to adjust. I won’t insinuate that productivity, family involvement, development of children, business results, business profits and the like aren’t still a focus in the world, but I am going to begin “allowing” things to happen in the world and to focus on working with “purpose”, not having to work “hard”. As she was walking me through the concept of “effortless”, I instantly thought of golf. How many times do we get on the tee, swing as hard as humanly possible and watch, with horror, as our golf ball travels 50 yards down the fairway and then hangs a hard right (uncontrollably) and lands in the woods. When we tee up, again, breathe a bit, slow things down; allow our swing to happen and become what some may define as “effortless”, that ball rips through the middle of the fairway…some 250 yards ahead of our woods bound first shot.

To my kids, my wife and my friends and work colleagues, please be patient with my attempts at being a “Zen Master” with work and home. I know it can be tough living and working with a Dalai Llama in training, but I’m going to focus on coaching you (and those around me) that my idea of “working hard” and “always smiling” needs to adjust a bit.

Let’s work with purpose, live with purpose, smile as often as we can and become a bit more “effortless”. I think it will bode well in all aspects of world.

Have, Had & Get

“How was your weekend?” This is a question that most of us receive 10-12 times on a Monday, isn’t it? As we get back into the weeks’ chaos of meetings, conference calls, travel calendars, kids to school, practices - someone always wants to know… “How was your weekend?” My typical response, for the sake of being funny and keeping my sanity, sounds a bit like this; “We had to go to Ohio for my daughter’s figure skating competition, then I had to shoot over and get my son’s hockey skates sharpened, we had to make sure my oldest had his basketball shoes and ball purchased for the season and I had to make lunches, sign off on homework, pack back packs and get the kids to bed early, so we could sleep, because I have to work out at 530am. Holy Christ, it really sounds like my life is some kind of depressing punishment, doesn’t it?

I use the words have and had at an alarmingly high frequency. Do you? What would happen if I replaced “HAVE” or “HAD” with “GET”?

We take part in so many busy tasks, which, if being honest, we push on ourselves (and we also push on our children). I know I’m not alone in feeling like I really have to get everyone to practice, have a workout, have to eat a vegetable, have to study with the kids, have to go on vacations, have to buy some nice clothes, have to fix some damage to the house, have to get to practices, have to hit on my wife (love you Deena), have to visit friends, have to sign up for a race, have to read a novel, have to write a novel… (Please insert a mental picture of a person screaming and holding their head at this time).

All joking aside - imagine, for just a moment, that all of those things we feel we have to accomplish, we slowed down a bit and started to switch our thinking to include the word get (instead of have or had). My wife and I get to work jobs that afford regular time with our family. We get to vacation with friends and family, get to go to sporting events with our kids, get the opportunity to read with them, get to visit friends (because we still have them), get to be together and the list goes on.

I’ve recently started applying this logic and have been paying even closer attention to what I have to do and what I get to do. This simple exercise has really opened my eyes to all of the blessings we get to experience in our lives and I respect that we’ll never know when some of these blessings might be taken away, so why waste a moment feeling forced into living. The words HAVE & HAD should be flipped off like light switches and we can begin living a more peaceful existence with who we are, what we do and who we do it with when we insert the word “get” into our laundry list of experiences.

We all GET to live life (it’s not a punishment), so let’s GET busy living and appreciating it while it happens.

Who's there?

Which one is it this time? Are you in there? Who is this? The questions above pop into my head when you talk about personality. Truth be told, I’m not sure I can consistently answer those questions if you were to ask me “what is your personality like, Travis?” Although I feel way more comfortable answering questions about personality at 41 than I would have at 21, I’m still struggling, like lots of us, to articulate who I’m becoming.

Personality is an interesting component of how we are perceived and perception (mine of others and others of me) has always created wonder for me. We hear these phrases all the time, don’t we? “What a great personality”, “their personality is hilarious”, “you, my friend, need a personality adjustment”. Personality is that thing that enables labels to be placed, perceptions to be built and behaviors to be justified. Personality, as most of us know, can change over time, so how do we react (internally) as our personality morphs and evolves? I’ve been away from my writing for more than 6 months, part and parcel to my own search for personality clarity, but I stopped writing because I haven’t been overly motivated. I can blame that on work, personal schedules, marriage, raising kids, but if I’m being transparent, I haven’t been writing because I’ve been busy battling a bit with the concept of growing into an evolving personality and how, as it changes, I’m able to react to the impact it might have on those around me.

For the last two months, I’ve paid close attention to how I behave as a person. It’s not always pretty, but I can tell you that I’ve noticed a number of “personalities” and the more I notice inconsistency with behavior, the more I wonder “why”.

It would be nice to meet that person who is consistent in all facets of their life, but knowing that Buddha, Jesus or the Dalai Llama aren’t hanging with me at the local bar on Friday nights for personal coaching and counseling, I have to look for other, more “regular” people to learn from. As I’ve admitted, I notice that I act differently around my immediate family than I do my co-workers, than I do around my extended family, than I do my close friends, than I do with my distant friends, than I do with the stranger on the street (I think you get it). I used to feel bad for the people I lived, worked or hung out with (poor saps, they don’t really know what makes me tick), but as I continue on my path, I’ve realized that the only person who feels pain from regular adjustment to personality is…. “Me”. Yes, some could challenge that at 41 I’m becoming “Sybil’esque”, but I’d push back and ask how often you are consistent with those around you?

Don’t get me wrong, we all have social filters, so yes, it is normal to behave differently around a variety of people, but how intense is the difference? My search has led me to believe that the more dramatic your personality adjusts and the more often you feel it has to adjust, the more painful it will be for you over time. Are you always smiling around co-workers, but biting your family member’s heads off when you are at home? Will you be a perfect gentlemen to a stranger on the street, but let your wife open her own door to the car or the house? Do you like to be in the center of all action with your own family, but hide quietly if you need to be at a party or big function? All of these variations on your personality create a bit of camouflage don’t they? Personality camouflage.

This personality camouflage is taxing and in time, takes a toll. There is a fine line between socially adjusting behavior because you are meeting new friends, or co-workers or neighbors and morphing into a bit of an actor with a variety of different groups. Don’t fall into the trap of adjusting who you are for the purposes of fitting others’ perceptions. As basic the concept and as often as people say “be yourself”, start looking around and I bet you’ll notice that most people are living a bit of this personality camouflage too.

As I continue to grow, I believe beauty exists in change, growth and evolution. The catch is, don’t stunt your personal evolution for fear that it might make someone or some groups to lose interest in the role you play in their lives.

All of us have a personality and all of us will change, in different ways, over time. Don’t let your personality camouflage become too intense and be supportive of those around you who are looking to grow and change too.

Everyone will be better off for it.

Sweat, smiles & being uncomfortably peaceful...

I’ve read Jim Collins' book, “Good to Great” a number of times and for those who haven’t, his read has been used in hundreds and thousands of businesses as the genesis for internal corporate change and is focused around subtle efforts needed to move one’s performance from “good” to “great”. In short, the author talks about how being “good” can deter people from being “great”. Interesting concept and it has made me think about my personal definition of great and a couple of people who have impacted my life based on their “greatness”.

Let me use Jim Collins’ concept and knock it around a bit. Let’s pretend, for a minute, that businesses weren’t the only thing on the planet that require people to go from good to great (crazy thought, I know). If we remember that people are the capital that makes up ALL companies, wouldn’t it be an interesting premise to analyze how individuals, who tap into subtle greatness, impact life and the people they encounter on a daily basis? And…is there a glue (of sorts) that people who have achieved this ability all share in common? When we talk about the people who impact the world and the people in it, we probably think very grand; Mother Teresa, Ghandi, Swamiji Parthasarathy, Eleanor Josaitis, Pope Francis, etc. Some of us, when asked, will ratchet it down a bit and think of parents, teachers, friends, etc., so I respect that my opinions are a bit less statistically relevant from the research team who penned Good to Great, but nonetheless, I think you’ll be able to change your thinking a bit and recognize that you have your own definition of great and there are people, everyday, who surround you and teach you what it means to be great. Although these people might not be Chief Executive Officers, Senior Business Leaders or Ghandi, I’d be willing to bet that they carry a set of innate traits, which trend with my observations and have led me to my belief that there are very consistent behavior thoughts and patterns, which elevate certain people to be hyper impactful on life’s journey.

My premise is simple, these people, who I consider great, have a balanced combination of sweat, smiles and the willingness to be uncomfortably peaceful.

No one will call me Aristotle for acknowledging sweat as a precursor for impacting people (yes, having a “work hard” mantra is traditionally synonymous with great). You could continue debating my theory by stating how “cutting edge and brilliant” it is to assume that one who smiles (while working hard) can also reap the benefits of positively impacting life (theirs and ours), but less of you probably think about terms like “uncomfortably peaceful” and how that trait may be the glue, when combined with hard work and a smiling attitude, that really enables someone to become a profound impact factor on life’s journey. Being uncomfortably peaceful is something of a blur, isn’t it? Peace, as I define it, is that feeling when all thought exits the mind, that feeling we experience just before we go to sleep. You know it…when your breathing slows, your muscles relax and you have that period of time where everything “feels” right. I have noticed a number of people, lately, who seem to walk the planet, most days, with that kind of…”it’s all good” attitude, so I wanted to recognize them for the positive impact they have on my life and possibly the lives of others too.

As I look back over 4 decades of life progression, 2 decades of career progression and a half a decade in the world of heavy introspection and philosophy, I have a deep respect and acknowledgement for the people I have encountered. Thousands of people along the way and I have an even deeper respect for those, recently, who have attracted my intentional focus. They are great, from my vantage point, at living life. Some of you might know these people, some of you might not, but either way…please pay attention to the fact that both of these people seem to have harnessed the ability to work hard, smile while doing it and embrace being uncomfortably peaceful and by my standards, they have achieved greatness!

My intent in sharing these people’s names is not to embarrass them, but knowing them, it probably will. Most of us know what it means to sweat (work hard and drive toward efforts), to smile (these people seem to have found a balance in the ability to recognize that their work efforts are strong and therefore, regardless of outcomes, they know they have reason to smile). And finally…they are embracing the concept of being uncomfortably peaceful (when long hours or tough projects or juggling chaotic lifestyles or embracing a new change and pace to life’s journey collide). All of those things can be uncomfortable, but these people appear to find peace in it, hence the term, uncomfortably peaceful. In closing, I wanted to recognize them for the positive impact they have on my life and possibly the lives of others too.

Jim T. Strong professional career, hyper involved with the support of our city and his children’s school, he is also someone who is well read, finds time to workout, challenges himself daily, is a strong husband and father and all the while, smiles more than grumbles. He carries that finely required mix of balance. Jim and I have been friends for years, but it was only recently that I grasped how impressive he is, holistically, as a person, so I wanted others to know that if you want to see what great looks like, please connect with him.

Kathy S., my Words with Friends buddy, was introduced into my life, by my wife, Deena. Kathy and Deena taught together and we attend the same church, so it has always been a casual friendship. Kathy and I don’t spend a ton of time together, I haven’t known her as long as I’ve known Jim, but she has still had a huge impact on me. Kathy’s interesting ability to stay so warm, so focused on others and so connecting has been an amazing experience, for me, personally. As a retired teacher, Mother, Wife and friend, Kathy welcomes you in and she has reinforced how to appreciate the life we have. Thanks Kathy.

I could write hundreds of people on this post. People who have had profound impact on my life and I’m blessed to be around so many great people. If you get a chance to read this, do me a favor and reach out to a couple of them and let them know about your definition of “great” and how they have helped teach you to pursue it.

Who do you thank for being everywhere & nowhere @ the same time?

You all know I’m “nomadic” with my ideas, my career, my life choices and my parenting styles.  I used to feel ashamed about the number of roles I had, concerned if people would whisper all the little garbage statements that one assumes are being said (when in truth, no one really cares THAT much about what every person on the planet is doing, so probably a little more insecure than I really should be).  Anyway, I moved companies in late January/early February and have earned, what I consider to be, a “life altering” opportunity.  This role has enabled me to see different regions of the world, meet dozens of new clients, take part in a business that I have loved for years and my new employer likes the fact that I’ve been nomadic, which is a plus.

I spent last week in New York City, the week before that in Cleveland and the two weeks before that in London, so needless to say, I’ve had a bit of time to do what I’m best at…THINK.

As I left NYC and came back to Detroit to see my family (in preparation for a trip to California next week), I began thinking about ways the work world has changed since I started my career in 1995.  We have iPhones, Blackberries, Droids (which give us Google maps, Words with Friends, Facebook, etc) and it also gives us email, conference calls, report reviews and business decisions in multiple time zones and in multiple regions of the world.  As my friends at PwC used to say to me, work is now a thing- not a place!  How true they were.

My new professional world is filled with 5am calls to Manila, 9pm calls with Singapore and we’ll squeak the US and the UK into the middle somewhere.  This is when my psyche whispered in my ear… “Don’t ever forget about how you got here”.  A bit sentimental, my psyche, so as I thought and thought about the importance of that statement, I remembered watching a documentary on the American author, Fran Lebowitz.  Fran is 60+, lives in NYC, doesn’t own a Blackberry or iPhone or Droid and she has made a living doing something I try to do (entice people to read and incite people to debate) with the power of words.

Fran stated that she noticed we are a generation and a society that is now everywhere at the same time.  I think she was referring to how the incessant use of smart phones, conference call lines and other technology is taking us away from basic human to human interaction.  She noticed people walking the streets of NYC, buried in their devices, and not taking in the sounds, smells and activity of one of the greatest cities on the planet.  Yes, we might be enjoying dinner with our family, but are we really enjoying dinner with the family or the funny ecard posted on Facebook?  Are you really giving your best thoughts to your clients and colleagues or are you more focused on clearing out your inbox?  How many times have you entered a local “watering hole” and noticed friends enjoying “happy hour”, but none of them are talking to one another?  See…aren’t we everywhere (restaurants, vacations, meetings, golf courses), but nowhere too (Facebook, Words with Friends, email, etc)?  I’ve done all of the above, so I guess I’m a bit everywhere & nowhere too.

I don’t want to be that way (plain & simple).  When you talk to me, I want to give you my attention and listen.  When I talk with you, I want healthy debate and discussion in return, so please get your nose out of the “cloud” for a few minutes.  Even though I feel like technology has offered us some of the most amazing advances known to man (one amazing, but selfish advancement…wireless hot spots, which enabled me to work from Manistee, Michigan and stare at Lake Michigan while discussing the latest in Recruitment Process Outsourcing strategies with my colleagues this weekend).  My point brings me back to that crazy little voice I tend to hear 4 or 5 times per day (nah- I don’t think I need meds yet, I rather enjoy talking with and to that voice).  Let’s spend some time and focus on the reflection that takes us back to how we got to where we sit.  Who were the people that helped shape us, mould us and form us into the people we are today (and the people we’ll become in the future)?  When one starts to think about this list - it becomes an emotional, humbling, overwhelming, and, for me, very spiritual exercise.  After all…I believe that we are on a journey that isn’t one we map, it has been mapped for us and we’ll keep making choice after choice until we arrive at the destination intended for us. Let me use the rest of my typing time to thank those people who have shaped me.  Some of you might know each other, some of you may be strangers, but ALL of you have played an instrumental role in my life.

The reality is, and as much as Fran Lebowitz might laugh, we’ll keep on using the advancements we receive from the technology world.  My point here is…let’s not forget about how important it is for people to pay attention to the other people who have helped them achieve through life (and for God’s sake, if you happen to be with one of those people- right now- don’t text them, hug them).  In short, GET OFF THE TECHNOLOGY and think for a few minutes about those who have impacted you and then, of course, pick up that technology and text a few people or post a few kind words on Facebook to let those around you know that you are thinking of them.

Thank you:

Mom, Dad, Josh, Seth, Deena, Chuck McShane, Kevin Fisher, Tony, Judy, LJ, Aunt Janet, Deanna Ayers, Sharon, Sharon I, Mark Penrose, Jeff Bugg, Eric Snow, Randy Nickel, Brad Dzon, Pam Berklich, Debbie Robbins, Joe Wiesner, Brad Peters, Molly, Jeff Joner, Keri, Amy Casai, Steve Liverance, Margaret Hunter, The Hollis and Cyndi show, John J May III, Tiffany Leiter, Adam C, Georgie, David, Aaron, Katie, Adriana, Wendy, Deanna, Kimberly, Meg, Lydia, Andrew, Father Ozzie, Braeden, Brecken, Jillian, Rob McShane & Steve Ali, Amy Bush, Jerry Collier, Tanya, Jillyan, Forbsey, Chiacchia, Mike Murphy, Aaron Sikora, Cleb, K. Rubis & Al Lewis, Lori McColl, Balestrieri, Buck, Campbell, Thorpe, Pieknik-Lybik duo, Kathy Schmidt, Eleanor Josaitis, All the “grandpeeps”, Arends clan, Miss Julie, Paulo Coehelo, The kid in Catcher in the Rye, Viktor Frankl, Hannah, Rachel Kristensen & your hubby, Norm, Kim Knapp, Bjorn & his wife, all the dudes who lived in the basement of DX-and all of your wives too.

It would take me a full day to type the individual ways each of you has helped me (and like my wife would do…please don’t focus on the order in which you appear -you are all very important to me).  You inspired me, challenged me, coached me, were patient with me, stuck by me, beat on me, hazed me and the list goes on…regardless, you have helped me and I feel like I owe it back to you and all those I meet in the future, in spades.

And getting back to technology- If you really want to know how you impacted me, shoot me a text or drop me a note on Facebook and we’ll have a “hug it out” moment… TTYL, LOL, #ireallyloveyoutechnology.

What's a life nomad?

I’ve been pretty “nomadic” when it comes to my life experiences, but I haven’t been as truthful to myself or to those around me regarding how much I enjoy being a “life nomad”.  Different experiences, people, places and things energize me!  Although some have criticized the pace and frequency of my life choices (career, family management, healthy life styles, unhealthy life styles...), I have been pretty comfortable with my changes and I do realize that I bounce from idea to idea and new plan to new plan more frequently than some people change clothes, so whether I was going to become a runner, an adventure racer, a Deacon, a writer, an executive or a stay at home Dad (you get the drift)...I have always felt innately comfortable with where I was going, what I was going to do and who I was going to do it for.  Now, I’d be a bold faced liar if I didn’t tell you that there have been  “voices” along the way.  These voices reside comfortably in my head (yes...I’m openly admitting that I hear little voices- not in the “see a doctor” sort of way), but in the traditional form...doubt, fear, insecurity, confidence, comfort, etc.  You know the various self discussions one might have with themselves, “Hey- what are you thinking by moving jobs” or... “Do you really think you are cut out to handle life on the road again”...or my favorite, “do you really want to be a healthy guy or are you just made to eat cheese sticks and drink beer”. These voices can be powerfully derailing or powerfully motivating (depending on which set of voices you listen to).  The more comfortable I’ve become with sharing stories of my life through this blog, the writing has enabled me to continue to learn and grow as a person and my opinions have generated some deep and philosophical discussions with some of the most random people who read these articles (which I love).  The irony about writing about such personal topics and being a life nomad is the realization that so many have similar experiences, concerns, challenges, and fears or have achieved positive growth, empowerment and peace on their journeys, so as I meet and talk to those who have lived through journeys of their own, they keep affirming that powerful truth... I’m not alone in my thinking and I’m not the only person who has battled those fearful tones or internal voices that can derail us from time to time. 

A good friend of mine, who also acts as one of my mentors, recently packed up her life and moved across the country to pursue something she had always thought about, but never really acted on because of these “voices”.  Her voices were rooted in a different place than mine, but nonetheless, they helped her foster a belief that being employed by someone else would give her the professional life she was intended to live.  Ironically, after a bit of a career shake up in 2010, she was able to disengage from the world for a period of time, focus on her, tune out the “negative and fear based” voices and she began to act, sound and “be” different.  This is the point in time where our friendship matured from a comfortable acquaintance to coach/coachee, because I could tell she authentically believed in herself and those behaviors started to quell the negativity she had listened to for years.  I could tell that a more clear and positive set of voices told her she could build a business if she wanted to, she could see new parts of the country if that was her interest, she could be her own leader and boss if that fancied her and fortunately...she has listened to those feelings and is in the process of building a new business, in a new area of the world and she appears to be content, which I love to see.

As my friend accomplished her goals, I’m still on that journey and as part of that journey I made a commitment to myself that I would continue working on my mental, physical and spiritual awareness (and that I would not stop being nomadic), so I could be prepared and stay balanced with regard to some of the challenges faced by a person who is as nomadic as I am.  Now, we all know that we can’t control others’ behavior, even though so many of us try to, so I am working to focus on learning  from these people’s behaviors (not controlling them) and I am also focused on NOT enabling other people’s opinions to be a focal point of my decision making, but instead, using these opinions to help me shape my decision making...who am I kidding though,  I still let other’s opinions play too heavy a role in the decisions I make, but we are working on it, right?  Finally, I sure as hell don’t want to be pulled into a trap, whereby, my natural inquisitive nature, my love for nomadic life experiences and my passion for connecting with people from all walks of life is squashed based around some hint of fear or insecurity.

As you’ll notice...when you read my thoughts and opinions, you might feel the same way about your life or, if you don’t, I’ll be happy to have you hitch your wagon to me and you can watch as I work through this, because we can all agree that I still have a long road ahead as it relates to the acquisition of “peace and serenity”- haha.  My experiences have shown me that the peace and contentment or the powerful aspirations one has for their life, their family, their career, their health, or their peace of mind...won’t be attained without significant effort, because attaining these goals comes from living the experiences life’s journey affords us.  So, as the New Year unfolds...I’m going to continue to be  nomadic with my experiences, I’m not going to live with the “routine” and I’m going to be active, introspective and will work to choose those things that will give me the life experiences that most of us seek.  In short, I hope you’ll do the same.

A belated Happy New Year to all of my readers and I’ll look forward to sharing 2013’s stories and experiences in the weeks and months that follow...

It's fine...

I challenge each of you to pay attention to the number of times you hear the phrase, “it’s fine”, through the course of a day.  And, the next time you hear it, make sure you capture the situation, the story, or the experience that elicited the comment too. I, for one, started to observe people and their use of this comical little phrase about a month ago and here is why I’ve decided to keep a mental tally of each time I hear these words.

The phrase, when interpreted in the literal sense, means everything or every situation is going to be alright, it will be tolerated and the people in the midst of the “situation” will be just fine, hence…”it’s fine”.  Now, when you start paying attention to when this phrase is most often used, you’ll start to have some fun.  I was at work the other day and one of my close work colleagues stopped by to chat for a bit and she began telling me a story.

The story had plenty of detail and as I listened, intently (yes…although I’m really good at talking, I too, can be a listener from time to time), I noticed that she used the phrase “it’s fine” 6 times in 15 minutes, so I stopped her mid sentence, and asked if everything was really fine.

She paused for a minute and retorted with a quick, “what do you mean?” and I smiled at the opportunity to pontificate, so off we go.  I shared my view that if the story she was telling, involved me, I wouldn’t be “fine” with what she was talking about.  My reaction to the situation I was listening to would have elicited more of a “that’s total bullshit” response (that’s just my opinion), but for her…everything was fine.  We laughed as she caught my point and I continued my rant with more questions around why do we think so many people, me included, close sentences of stories that really aren’t fine, with…it’s fine?  We do it because it is expected that the world will throw curveballs, it is expected that challenging situations will surface in life and it is expected that we will be able to stay calm through these situations…hence- it’s fine.

Now…I’m not going to expect that my little observation will prevent me from using the phrase any more, but I am more curious about why we have to use it.  I, too, will respect the challenging situations work might present or the frustrations that accompany navigating through marriages, parenthood, civil service or whatever else you might have rolling in your life, but I am standing firm on this…if something sucks, it is ok to discuss why it sucks (for you) and how you might adjust the “sucking”, so that it becomes a better situation.

Ironically, if we continue to reinforce a behavior with “it’s fine”, we may be subjecting ourselves to continued frustration and the people or circumstances who could be inadvertently inflicting frustration on us wouldn’t ever suspect that we might have an issue with their behavior or request if we always say to them…it’s fine.

My friends…If something doesn’t feel right, share that with the people around you.  You never know when a simple push back or requested behavior change might elicit a great conversation and ultimately correct something that is paining you.

And if that doesn’t work, “it’s fine”.

Kiss my %$# Monday!

Where are my “Monday” people?  Come on.  I know you are out there, so if you are…please feel free to comment on this article (I can use the support). Monday people are an interesting group.  They are, without question, some of the most entertaining people I know and they are also some of the most charismatic, engaging, talented and energized people I know too.  Monday people have a special talent and I know this, because I am a Monday person.

You ask, “What the hell is a Monday person”?  Well…here it goes.  Monday people have a change they want to make, but they carry an Achilles heal.  Monday people might need to lose weight, they might want to get organized, they might want to adjust an attitude or they could have interest in focusing in on their work.  As I said earlier, they are an eclectic group, so their vice could be any number of things.  I know all of this because I have been and still battle with being (insert dramatic music)…a Monday person.

Weight is one of my favorite things to talk about.  Some times I put it on, sometimes I take it off, but regardless of what the scale says, I always love to talk about it.  Let me put you in my shoes for a minute.  Have you ever decided to lose 5, 10 (or in my case) 61 pounds?  If you have been motivated to lose weight for an upcoming party, a reunion, a spring break trip or…because the “fat guy” pants you keep on the far right side of your closest (as a safety net in case you accidentally pack on a few pounds) are getting tight…and they are the pants with the waist that is two inches larger than all of the other pants in your closet, so you never get trapped into hitting the local Men’s warehouse on a random Monday night because you have nothing to wear to work (stretchy pants are apparently inappropriate in my professional services firm) you’ll feel my pain.

How could that ever happen you ask?  Let me tell you.  Monday people are the type who decide (typically on a Thursday or Friday) that MONDAY will be their day of change (a universal alignment of energy…if you will), and Monday will be the day where that energy will converge and help guide us to the perfect behavior, which leads us to the desired result (61 pound weight losses).  In short, on Monday we will begin anew, so…HELL YES I CAN EAT THE LARGE PIZZA, after all, it’s only Friday and knowing this is the LAST time I’ll eat like this until my weight comes off, I “deserve” to eat what ever I want (so pass the chicken wings too).  Thank you Monday, thank you!  That is precisely why Monday people need to keep “fat guy pants” in our closets…just sayin’.

Monday people come in all shapes and sizes (no pun intended).  As I said, my Monday struggle is usually weight based.  I know people who struggle with wanting a “new attitude” on Mondays, people who are going to get “organized” on a Monday and people who decide that they are going to “love their work” on a Monday.  It doesn’t matter what your psychological poison is, the idea of putting things off until Monday will do this to you (it rhymes with YUCK FOO).

I have learned that putting things off is a horrible way to live.  It is too easy to delay a change in behavior for a few days because we are hiding from the inevitable.  Change is going to be uncomfortable.  Yes, for some period of time, we will be uncomfortable while we change.  I know this because I have been able to change some major behaviors in my short time on this planet and each of them took planning, discipline and support from those around me.  So…here I sit on a Saturday night and my 61 pounds still needs to come off.  If you are looking to change some kind of behaviour or routine in your life, join me in throwing up the middle finger to Monday mornings and let’s get started right now (well…maybe in a few more minutes, I have one last cold piece of pizza to eat before I go to bed).

Change is a good thing my friends, so if you want to change something in your life, I promise you this…you’ll have to do something different, but once you do, the energy that you gain should help keep you pointed to your goals (whatever they may be).

So, what are you? Oh- I'm a searcher...how about you?

I’ve spent the bulk of my personal life and the entirety of my professional career in a bit of a quandary.  I’ve always known, somewhere in that space that people describe as their “soul”, that corporate America wasn’t a place for me and I am also acutely aware that the “personality presentation” I’ve been able to put on for others (let’s call them friends & family) has been less than genuine too.  I’ve always believed that I am on a search for something and I have been pretty insecure as to why the rest of the world seemed OK with picking a path and sticking to it. I heard, this weekend, that Sigmund Freud wrote extensively about happiness and although I haven’t read his work on the topic, the summary I received this weekend was interesting.  I was offered the summary by a psychologist friend of mine and his summary touched on how Freud viewed the expectations people put on their lives and how life (call it reality) tends to step in the way and dampen what some of us might refer to as our “life plan”.  When you think about it, husbands and wives probably have targets or expectations about how clean to keep a house, how many date nights to hit a week, what travel they may want to experience and for those less fortunate, which bills to pay for the month (ensuring that lights stay on or food makes it to the table).

Reality can set in and extinguish, if you let it, the fire that keeps most of us plugging down the path of experiencing life and, supposedly, Freud believed that when reality stepped in the way of grand expectations, if life’s curve ball made it such that the goals became unattainable, then people would typically release happiness from their lives and would “let go” of the goal they may have set, which then creates a host of other challenges.

Well…I share this story because I was forced into a living Freud experiment only 1 day following my introduction to the topic (I didn’t even have time to go to Barnes & Noble and buy the damn book).  See, I’m beginning to get my own understanding of what drives happiness and what drives my satisfaction in life.  God knows I’ve been writing and speaking about it for almost 3 years and even though it’s an incredibly complicated and complex path to journey down, when you start to get to the root of things- it is simpler than most give credit.

As a backdrop- Sundays are my “recovery” day on my marathon training, so as my distances pick up, my recovery runs are now 5, 6 and 7 miles, which I typically do early in the morning.  This morning, though, I wanted to sleep in (we had some friends over for dinner, it was 65 degrees last night, which means great sleeping and my ENTIRE family stayed in bed until 930am…which was fantastic).  Here comes the experiment- I had an expectation of running 7 miles this morning, but I also had the expectation of taking my family (armed with their bikes) on that run.  We got the bikes out, the kids got dressed, Deena was looking hot in her workout attire and ready for the bike ride (sorry D, you know what runs through my mind every 7.5 minutes) and we took off down the street.

My I-pod was cranking hip hop/house music- it’s my inner 80’s DJ coming out, the boys tore off down the street, Deena was following the boys… and then there was Jillian.  My angelic 5 year old refused to pedal faster than 1 mile per hour (which is going to make our run a long 7 hour ordeal) and every slight descend on the sidewalk was greeted by a shriek of horror, as if she was bombing down Mt. Everest without any safety equipment.  Needless to say- the boys are pissed because they have to wait for their “annoying sister”, Deena is edgy because she knows I’m going to be pissed off about my run, which ruins her idea of a great family day and she was right…I began chewing out a 5 year old girl because she refused to pedal at a 10:30/mile pace.

Oh yeah, all of this occurs prior to eclipsing the 500 yard marker and then Brecken’s chain pops off his bike (Karma is a bitch and I was putting too much bad mojo in the air).  Bike repair complete, I’m now covered in chain oil, my daughter is crying, my wife is pouting, my oldest son has disappeared on the ride and for a brief minute life’s scoreboard popped into my head (REALITY-1, FAMILY EXPECTATION-0).  Dr. Freud’s little theory on the disillusionment of happiness based on reality inserting itself into people’s bullshit became my living psychological experiment.  That’s when it happened.

I got up, saw the look on my daughter’s face, my son was believing that the chain was HIS fault and I caught the blue sky, the green trees, my entire family (sans my 10 year old who had enough and was bolting down the street like a professional mountain biker) and I realized that if I had to run another “lap” of our bike course to achieve my mileage, no problem…my kids were about to jump onto a trail that would give them the freedom to bike at their own pace, my wife was going to get to spend time with her husband and children and I was still going to get my run in (and truthfully…my marathon is going to take 5 hours to complete anyway, so who the hell cares if I run my 7 miles in 1:20 or 3:00 hours).  I calmed down and I adjusted my expectations and THAT is the simplicity of being a happier person (in my opinion).  I calmed down and helped my daughter balance on her bike, the boys raced ahead and we all made it to the trail head.  Our ride only took 1 hour (the whole family covered about 4 miles) and I ran ahead for the other three miles and everyone got what they wanted (and yes…Jillian continued to stop every 40 feet and collect rocks, twigs and other goodies found on the bike path, so she was happy too).

My run story is no different than the scenario of running short on money, losing a file to a big presentation, running late for an appointment or not getting the dishes done when you had hoped.  We all set expectations (every day) and when you can start to realize that life will insert reality, which could step in the way of you achieving your expectation, do yourself a favor…calm down, look around, appreciate what you are experiencing  and step around the bump that life puts in front of you.

I just reread my first paragraph and wanted to close with my earlier point.  I’ve realized why I’ve changed jobs, run marathons, adventure raced, mountain biked, read books, wrote articles, started a blog, travelled for work, tried crazy things with my wife, hugged my children for no apparent reason, gave money to homeless people…because I’m a “searcher”.  We are a small group (as I’ve been able to determine thus far in life), but we are always on the hunt for something.  I used to think it was the search for the “end” of the journey, but ironically, it’s not.  I’m always moving, changing, growing and experiencing so that I can find the beginning of a new path.  It is inevitable that if one chooses to be a “searcher” then one should also become really comfortable with adjusting expectations based on life’s curve balls.  This is the first time in life when I’ve felt like I’ve been able to articulate why I’m in a constant state of movement and it feels good.  To other “searchers” out there…enjoy your next path on the journey and for those who tend to be a little more methodical on their path- I wish you well and don’t let reality piss you off too often and please don’t give up your happiness because of some inevitable challenges.

Finite...everything comes to an end, doesn't it?

Finite is a word that is used often, but I’m not sold that its definition is truly appreciated anymore.  I’ll spare everyone the diatribe about corporate America and the struggles we have balancing work and life and I promise to refrain from a self loathing article about how I make mistakes, search for truths and spend time searching for enlightenment.  I just jumped out of bed to write this article because as I lay awake (watching the Tigers abandon runners on base) I was thinking about how a simple dinner this evening helped me recognize something critical about my relationship with my wife and I thought sharing would illustrate how it could be relevant to your relationship too. First, my son is playing football this fall, so Deena and I attended the new parents’ meeting to learn about expectations for the season and to sign up for our “volunteer” hours (selling hotdogs for a couple games) and to learn about the equipment we’ll need to purchase for the upcoming season.  It’s only July, so even though the summer break will continue on for another 6 weeks, we know that we’ll be fighting over calendar appointments, determining who needs to go where (with whom) and Deena will re-engage in another year of teaching all too soon.

Before I start depressing everyone (including myself) with banter about how quick the summer is flying by, I wanted to go back to our dinner and how a meal with my wife has adjusted my view on some of my historical “husband-like” behaviors.

After the football meeting we had a drink, put in our dinner order, watched some baseball, sipped margaritas and spent some time talking and laughing.  I like to have complicated discussions (they entertain me), but my wife does not, so we found a happy medium and shot the shit about a few other topics.

Toward the end of dinner, marriages became the focal point of the discussion and as some couples probably do…we joked about what it was like dating each other, how we’ve changed over time and how our priorities adjusted post kids and post marriage.  Yes, I tend to take these talks to “pig like” husband spaces and insert the snide comments about how often we used to “hang out” (that’s what I’ll call it for my G rated audience) and whenever I bring that subject up she traditionally rebuts (as most spouses probably do) about how life, kids, lists, projects, sleep and a myriad of preoccupations tend to step in the priority lane ahead of “hanging out”.  In short, I was told to “shut it” and drink my tequila.

We finished a good meal and a good chat, so we jumped in the car and drove home.  Once home, I got the kids showered up and ready for bed, Deena caught up with her parents a bit (they watched the kids for us) and I laid down (expecting to dose off to sleep), but that’s when it hit me.  Not sure why, but the thought of how finite our lives are, which includes the time with my wife, continued to bounce through my head.  I experienced a unique appreciation for this limited time (more than I ever have in the past) and it continued to run through my mind that I should have more of these “dinners” with my wife and it had been too long since I really appreciated a dinner with Deena (as I wrote last week, it’s easy to take people for granted).  Dinner was tremendous because of the simplicity of the time together (we sat close together at a bar, shared good discussion, watched baseball and just enjoyed our company).   

This shouldn’t shock anyone, but here it goes…I, like others, can be a whiny and demanding husband at times! And when you layer on my additional desire for philosophical discussions- I get it…it can be exhausting.  With that said, here is something ALL wives could pay attention to (exhausting husband or non-exhausting husband).  Every husband will have his unique way of communicating his interests for getting close to you.  After meeting you for the first time…we chased you, dated you, got engaged and married you, so yes…whether we still act like it or not, we love being around you.  I don’t want to speak for all husbands, but I know a few and I promise this…our intentions are generally rooted in a good place, so although some of us might grope (I do that), some might beg for time with you (yep, been there too) and in the absence of “attention” some might pout (okay, I’m three for three), the wives out there should all recognize that we are pretty simple too (we want to spend time with you), but being men…and through the exhaustion of chasing you, we might forget how simple it really can be to connect with you.

Some might question what we actually forget?  We might forget what it was like to enjoy sitting next to you somewhere, what it was like to talk to you as our “friend” or what it was like to “date” and force ourselves to be a little more “smooth” than we might be today.  How did this happen?  It’s simple.  We get wrapped up too.  Wrapped up in where to go with the kids, who to take to which practice, when to pick up, how to keep working hard and making sure to devote time to you and the kids and all the while, we are still men, so…this is where we revert to groping, begging and pouting, right? 

Let’s close this with my raised awareness and revisit the finite nature of our time together.  As couples, we only have so many days left together and I hope anyone reading this chooses to respect that concept.  Every night you spend apart, every night someone heads off to bed early or the next time dinner consists of herding the kids at your table (so you can force them to consume enough food to stay alive for another day)…step back and readjust your actions and behaviors.  If you don’t show that you appreciate your spouse, you’ve burned another day, so I’m going to try and respect this lesson and spend more time with Deena and I’m going to ask that she does the same.  Go to dinner with each other, sit next to each other at the dinner table, put the kids to bed 30 minutes early and simply hang out with each other for a change and if that all fails…feel free to resort back to groping, begging and pouting.  I’ve said it a bunch tonight, so remember…our lives are finite and we chose to be in these relationships, so let’s work to remember the little ways to stay focused on our time together, not our time apart.

Vegas baby...Vegas

Anyone close to me knows that I like to analyze, sometimes to a fault, so as I sat at my house last week, the topic of relationships and what keeps them going kept popping into my head.  Why?  Simple, I had time on my hands and there is a ton of bad TV airing during the day (with some of America's best relationship doctors, i.e. Jerry Springer) and, truth-be-told, I was pouting because my wife was able to be in one of my favourite cities, Las Vegas, and I was at home thinking about how insane it would be to have 3 kids on my own.  Prior to this week of adult solitary confinement, I spent the July 4^th week at my family’s home in northern Michigan and even though I prayed, two or three times, for some peace and quiet (you have to understand that we had 14 people in one house plus dogs and the random visitors), I wasn’t fully prepared for the daily task of looking after my “little angels” the following week.  Flashing back to my 4^th of July prayers about peace and quiet…be careful what you ask for. On Sunday, July 8^th, everyone was gone and the beach house only had my family left...so we cleaned up the house, locked the doors, packed into the mini-van and left the tranquillity of Lake Michigan.  Ironically, I wasn’t my normal, pissed off self as I drove down-state, which was due (in part) to the fact that I also took the week of the 9^th off (nice to get away for some extended time) and as you’ve been informed, I was on “kid duty” while Deena was at her “conference”.  Deena’s trip was apparently a success because she looked like hell when she got home, slept on a couch the entire day of her return and although she commented that the conference was great, it was also really "tiring" (I watched the Hangover while she was gone, so I wasn’t buying her story).  I would have typically believed her, but she returned home with no pictures of the conference, but there were bar pictures…and the only proof of this work trip was one really ugly conference bag and binder.  My theory…she and her friends picked up these charming teacher bags and binders, printed conference logos on them and played it off as if they were really “working”.  Now, I don’t really believe that (it’s just my bitter & jealous side rearing its head…come on, I love Vegas), so back to my point.

During my week with the kids we stayed pretty busy.  I had events planned for them each day: we pulled together a lunch at Greenfield Village, facilitated a sleep-over at a friend’s house, hit a birthday party and took care of a couple of travel hockey try-outs.  I also made sure that we did something critical to any period of time when Mom isn’t around (we spent money).  I let the kids pick flowers for the deck (yes, I turned in my man card before Deena left for Vegas), although I did redeem myself from the sissy’esque flower shopping spree with a solid rebound purchase from Home Depot (a metal, roll-away vintage looking beer cooler), which worked well on Friday night as I sat with my brother and a good friend and pontificated over every topic under the sun (religion, politics, relationships, marriage, etc.) and 30 beers.

Here comes my poignant teaching moment and the inspirational comments that typically close each of my articles.  What keeps relationships going and what did I learn during this time with my kids that I can impart on each of you (my loyal readership)?  I learned this.  I think our divorce rate is, in part, at 60% nationally because people take each other for granted.  As a remedy, if you are a couple, you should schedule 1 or 2 trips per year (where one of the spouses heads out for a long weekend or if you can pull it off, a full week), which reminds you of a couple things; 1) how nice it is to have someone in your life, 2) a little bit of jealousy helps you remember that you do need to “work” at showing your spouse how much they mean to you and 3) it is so much easier to manage kids when they don’t have you outnumbered 3:1.  In all seriousness, it has always been easy for me to take off and travel (work travel, golf trips, conferences, etc) and I’m sure it was easy for Deena to take off too.  I know, we all bark about “ohhhh, I’ll miss you all so much”, but let’s not bullshit each other, sometimes it is nice to get away and I was reminded about how demanding the world can be with only one parent in the mix and I look up to all single parents who live this on a daily basis.  I learned that as much as I pick on my wife, I miss having her with us and realize what an instrumental part of our family she plays (I mean someone has to say “no” to the kids every now and then, right)?

To wrap up, don’t take your loved ones for granted.  Work each and every day to show them how much they mean to you and forgive them if they wake up with Mike Tyson’s tiger in their possession.

Problem or Inconvenience?

I have a problem. I just checked out of the hospital after 4 days of IV antibiotics, blood draws and I even got to experience, first hand, what it feels like to learn about an allergy to pain killers (I never knew the tip of your nose could itch and that your tongue is rather uncomfortable in your mouth when it feels like an over sized bean bag- and during an escapade like that, blood-pressure can hit 195/135).

I have a problem.

On Sunday afternoon I had some horrible cramping in my side, followed by a fever, followed by an attempt at a good night’s sleep, followed by my attempt at being a corporate martyr (going to work sick to show everyone how really important I feel my work is), followed by the realization that I’d better go to a doctor because something wasn’t right.

I have a problem.

My check in at Oakwood hospital wasn’t too painful for 10am on a Monday morning, so as I wandered up, told them my side hurt and that I’d run a fever, they told me to sit down and I’d get “checked out”.  About 20 minutes later I was admitted into emergency and 2 hours later (throw in a CT, multiple abdominal X-rays and my first litre of saline) I was told that I have a “problem”.  Sparing my readership any more detail, the short story…my digestive system has some minor flaws and one of those minor flaws got infected and as the hospital staff said to me earlier in the day…

I have a problem.

The ER team admitted me for more tests, set up visits with a GI specialist and my primary care doctor and I got the joy of experiencing “hospital life” for a few days.  Needless to say, I always get a bit edgy in or even around hospitals (they smell funny) and they are filled with routine sickness and life altering illness, so if you are anything like me and enjoy the study of human behaviour, this place has one positive; it totally destroys airports from the people watching angle.

I have a problem.

As you all know, I’ve spent the last few years paying off debt, working a stressful career, managing kid’s activities and trying my best at being a husband.  Most recently, I’ve been wavering on my commitment to run every day and my diet hasn’t been stellar, so on Tuesday night, as the doctors gave me my bed time pep-talk…”Once upon a time there was a dude who needs to eat more fruits and less processed foods”, which concluded with a few final points related to the importance of a healthy diet and the need for 8 hours of sleep every night, I politely thanked them for the time and then I sarcastically laughed, under my breath, because “they” just don’t know how many “problems” I have, do they?  You know…I have three busy kids, work, parents, in-laws, a house and all of the problems that come with a hectic life, so add this stomach issue to the list and I’ll do my best to eat more fruits and veggies doc, but come on…

I have a problem.

Because my pain and fever hung around until late Tuesday I hadn’t been able to do much more than sleep.  I’m reading Ayn Rand’s, Atlas Shrugged, and if you don’t know the book, it is 1200+ pages, printed in 4 font and filled with really deep sociological, psychological and philosophical ideas, so you have to really focus in on the story line and what you’re reading.  I tried to read Tuesday night, but after my Doctor’s pep talk/bed time story, I could only squeeze in a few pages before my eyes starting to fog over and I tried to sleep, but wasn’t sleeping well with tubes jammed in my arms, so I took the more natural option, I listened to Oakwood hospital’s evening soundtrack.  Track 1-Gagging sounds, Track 2-the splash of vomiting, Track 3 (my personal favorite) - crying (patients and visitors accompanied by subtle moaning) and the final track; Track 4- routine staff visits for blood pressure readings, needle sticks, IV bag changes and bathroom cleanings.

 I have a problem.

It was late, I wasn’t sleeping and I over-heard my roommate talking to someone on the phone.  After he hung up  I thought I’d be polite and introduce myself, which I did and soon after the introductions, the curtain dividing our hospital beds peeled back to reveal an old man with a charismatic smile and I received his personal trade mark greeting…”how ya doin’ buddy”?  Our dialogue continued for the next two days and I learned more about his battle against cancer and I started to learn what a true “problem” is (my diverticulitis isn’t all that bad).  My roommate started his battle two and a half years ago (lung cancer).  After tackling that “problem” he had to battle brain cancer and his most recent battle is with a tumor that has conveniently lodged itself between his shoulder blades and is connected to his spine (which has severed his ability to walk).  He received pain meds every 2 hours, had 2am MRI visits and had to have a team of nurses regularly change his bed pans for him, but ironically, he seemed accepting of his situation.  All the while, this old man, who I pegged between 75 & 80 years old, shared with me that he was a 57 year old father and husband from Monroe and EVERY time someone walked into the room, his same smile and conversational ice breaker was released…”how ya doin’ buddy”?

I DON’T have a problem.

My point here is simple.  There is a drastic difference between problems and inconveniences.  I watched lots of people this week with real problems and I witness, every day, more and more people experiencing inconveniences (kid’s activities, work to do, birthday parties to attend, damage to a house, a flat tire) and thinking they are problems.  I am guilty of confusing the two, but when I reflect back, my medical inconvenience is something I can control, my stay at the hospital was filled with visits from my family and I have people assisting with my work load, so I can rest and get some health back into my life.  Each night my wife and children smiled at me and gave me hugs and kisses to say good bye, so I could get back into my room and get some sleep.  My roommate has been in a hospital for 2.5 months and he didn’t once talk about any “problems”.  As I returned to my room each night from a walk around the halls of the hospital and my family had gone home, I was greeted by a man who delivered another smile, one last, “how ya doin’” and then the curtains were drawn until the next morning.

I have an inconvenience.

If you are experiencing some challenges in life and they feel like problems, please re-assess them and if they are inconveniences, know they are going to pass and be thankful that they aren’t the true problems we might make them out to be.  For those of you with genuine “problems”, like my new friend from the hospital room, my thoughts and prayers go out to you and I will always appreciate another opportunity to learn from the curve balls life will throw at us.

And yes…I promise to eat more fruits and veggies, I’ll continue my running and I will stay focused on my health, so my current “inconvenience” doesn’t become a bigger problem.

Tape it together...trust me, it works!

I woke up at 730 this morning to the sound of two boys and their miserable attempt at being “quiet”.  They should receive an A for effort, but we’ll have to work on the definition of “whispering” because I’m positive that the neighbors on either side of my house heard their early morning debate about whether to play catch in the front yard, what they’ll have for breakfast or when it was appropriate to run wild through the neighborhood. I tried to keep calm, while steadfast in my attempt to quiet them down, because if they wake the morning tornado (my daughter and their mother), only God knows what kind of wrath they might be exposed to.

After the boys were gently nudged to the main floor of the house I went to my office room and visited my blog site for the first time since February.  Per usual, life has been a bit crazy for the last few months (always is for us in January-March), so I began the process of changing the look and feel of the site (hope you like it), while my boys were downstairs and the “morning tornado” was sleeping, peacefully.  With a little bit of quiet time, I resumed doing something that I typically do every Sunday morning…I began to reflect on life.

I started to think back to decisions I’ve made, how they’ve shaped me, how I’ve found more balance in life and how I continue to learn new things about my behaviours and of those lives around me who I live and work with each day.  I’ve already mentioned that the last two months have been hectic for Deena and for me.  Like too many families, we both work full time and we have 2 Cub Scouts, 1 hockey player, 1 choir and chess prodigy and my 5 year old daughter (who is creeping up on 26).  We tend to catch funny looks from people regarding the noticeable chaos we fight through, but like my colleagues at work, I have my own family “busy season”, and we are coming out of it and I’m learning to accept it as an annual event.  Over the next two months, summer will take hold, school will be out, life will slow a bit and the world will give us a chance to recharge.

Let’s get back to that early morning reflection.  With all I have going on, the only thing that popped into my head was my car and what a sweet metaphor it was to my existing lifestyle.  As a backdrop…and in an effort to stay fiscally responsible, I bought my first used car in November.  This 2003 Ford Focus is a “gem” and as I went down the “green” path for my wife; it takes 2 weeks to burn off a tank of gas and although I resemble Fred Flintstone when jammed into the driver seat, it serves my purpose of getting to and from downtown Detroit and I don’t have a car payment, so fiscal responsibility continues.

The previous owner, friends of our family, backed this car into their garage while pulling out one day and ripped the rear view mirror from its housing.  This little cosmetic challenge, didn’t prevent me from buying the car (hell, it adds some solid battle character to the whole idea of “used car”) and without much free time in my life, I’ve continued to drive around town with the mirror “taped” together (go ahead, insert the theme song from Sanford & Son).

How did my car help me reflect?  My car made me think about my life feels like it’s being “taped” together too and no matter how busy we are or how busy we’ll continue to feel…I have to live by the philosophy of “Tuesday will follow Monday”, which is my little way of saying that life will continue roll on and everything will work itself out.  I laughed out loud about how funny my car must look, just as my life does.

In the end, though, as I’ve worked to tape my car together and my wife and I have worked to tape our family’s lives together, we make it through just fine and everyone is smiling (most of the time).  I know the time will come where things slow down and I’ll probably miss the chaos, but until then, we’ll catch our breath and off we go.

This quick little read is an homage to all families, today, who have too many items on their “to-do” list, too many places to be, too many practices to attend and too few hours in the day to get it all accomplished.  Before you put too much pressure on yourselves, do what Deena and I have done; use duck tape.  And oh yeah, if duck tape doesn’t work- buy aluminium tape, it is really strong and it looks sweet as a side view mirror housing too.