Where did the random acts of kindness go?

I had my family over last night to celebrate Mother’s Day and my Father’s 64^th birthday (yes, Dad, I’m outing your “maturity”).  We had a great night, Seth (my youngest brother), his wife and their two daughters came by, so the kids were able to destroy the basement, run outside (thank God for spring like weather) and the adults had the interesting experience of sitting still and conversing without having to chase, yell, scream or herd our children, so overall it was a good night. As the discussions progressed my brother asked me whatever happened to the “foundation” I was planning to start a few years ago.  At one point in 2009 I started to make a push for other people to generate one random act of kindness daily and my exercise led me to a number of groups/websites where acts of kindness was the focal point, so I backed off a bit and slowly let the daily efforts of doing random, kind things slip.  The concept of being kind isn’t a new one, but seeing that I have been consistently able to witness reactions on the faces of homeless people who I might hand a $10 dollar bill to or the look on the face of the cashier at a Dairy Queen when I ask him or her what the cost of the order is for the family behind us in the drive through (because I’m going to pay for their ice cream) or the smile when you hold a door for someone, those are priceless looks.

My idea to create a foundation spun from a year of doing daily acts of kindness and I considered starting a non-profit group that would travel to schools (with a large board game I was planning to build) and show K-5^th graders the effects of kind behavior.  The board was going to be a 10’x10’ roll up mat that had a maze printed on it (similar to the game, Life) and the pieces of the board would be the children in the class.  As two students played the game, their class mates would gather around the board (in two teams; each supporting a member on the board) and the surrounding team members would take turns rolling an oversized fuzzy die, so the kid standing on the board would know how many spots to progress through the maze.  Each spot they landed on would have a “social situation” that forced the discussion around how to be kind.  As an example, one spot might read; “Sally just moved into your school and isn’t sitting next to anyone at lunch”, what could you do that would be considered kind?  My team would help facilitate (with the teacher) some solutions that would foster kindness and then we would talk through how this makes everyone feel and the positive ripple effect that could be created with their new student.

I have three children, so I understand that most kids are honest and inherently kind and if they are not, I believe they can be shown, supported and taught how much more powerful it is to be kind.  In reality, it’s the “growing up” piece and social pressures that they’ll face in the years to come that will turn them inward, drive them to want to “fit in” and pull them away from their true self.  So, if we make it “cool” to talk about these behaviors then as they get older, they’ll have the memory of these games and continue to think about ways to be kind as they grow and mature.  It’s a stretch, but what the hell, right?

Back to the question my brother asked me.  What ever happened to that idea?  The answer; nothing!  Life tends to get in the way, doesn’t it?  My game was going to be a way to introduce kindness to the youngest demographic I could think would comprehend it and then I would work to build an exercise to work with high schools in a different, more “motivational speaking” way and then my final phase of this non-profit would be the book that shows adults the damage that can occur when your relationships, financial health, spiritual health, and professional life are fueled by the inauthentic behaviors of being rude, greedy, selfish, scared, etc.

What would give me the credibility to do that, well, I’ve lived it.  I was pulled away from gentle compassion in order to “fit in” to “not rock the boat” to “spend” so people think your successful and I’m almost out of that insanity and I would like to prevent young people from going that route and those a bit older to learn that there are ways to break the cycles that might be hurting them.  Once I have finalized the last of my commitments to getting more balanced, maybe it will be time to invest some money in a concept that I let fall to the side.

As cheesy as it might sound; how much easier would this world be to navigate through if we focused efforts on educating a generation of people who believed it was OK to be kind, not weak to be kind and we taught them how to treat others the same way?  We could teach them to cherish learning and teach them to create, innovate and think in ways that might not get used today.  Wouldn’t these efforts help us to become a more innovative society, a more collaborative one and wouldn’t the impact touch the people who are slated to run this country in 20 or 30 years, making them do so in a way that fosters a very positive energy, in personal and business life? 

Seth- thanks for your question.  Nothing much has happened with that foundation, but you have sparked some thought around why it hasn’t and I can tell you that I’ll be back to doing my 1 random act of kindness per day (starting today) and looking for ways to make an impact, when I can.

I'm being selfish, I get it!

I met with my coach today and we had a discussion about the search for life balance and how the various aspects of life all play into the balancing act.  As we started our session I refreshed her on the balance I am starting to feel with my work life and how I have found a professional venue to practically apply the behaviors that lead toward a more balanced approach to life.  My new behaviors (honesty, direct communication, humility, etc.) applied at my new place of work have me enjoying professional life and in turn, has me more engaged at home.  I have more time to spend with the kids, time to be the one to drop them off at practices and I’m not letting my new role demand that I have my phone buried against the side of my head while I pretended to be the involved parent. All of this sounds great, right?  Here is my problem.  Now that I have this new found work balance, can someone please explain why the hell I feel so uncomfortable?  I’ve been freaking out for the last couple of weeks because I have talked, written, questioned and angled to get this work balance and I’m still edgy.  I posed this issue to my coach and then shared a bigger concern; my introspective guess as to why I feel edgy.  My newly found work balance has enabled me to spend more time at home, yes, but that time is with 3 “active” children who aren’t all that peaceful to be around and I don’t love the noise, shouting, running, driving, yelling, cleaning, jumping and the laundry list of other kid-like behaviors that my new found work balance has offered me a ring side seat for.  In short, it is much easier to work 12 hour days and come home to a quiet house and that realization is making me feel pretty freaking selfish.  My coach shared that this is all normal; a decompression of sorts and she continues to reinforce the need for honesty and open communication during this time because it will allow me work on balancing my home life, as I have begun to balance work.

I know it’s cliché to say that life is multi-dimensional and that I’m trying to find myself within those dimensions, but it seems to be true.  I’m more work balanced, agreed, but now I feel more chaotic at home, so my “life balance” quest is going to focus on a more holistic approach.  I’ve noticed that I have been attempting to balance 1 element of my life at a time (work or home or personal) and the other areas get neglected, which makes my entire life feel just as chaotic as it did prior to my regular search for balance.  I am going to begin applying the behaviors I mentioned earlier in this article to each of the areas of my life and we’ll see if that helps. 

As I work to strike balance as an employee, a father, a husband and become a more authentic person, I’ll keep you posted on my progress and if I can find the magic solution to juggling all life throws at us, I will make sure to pass it along.

Chaos...all the cool kids are doing it!

I was “tweeting” today (insert visual of a funny facial expression).  Really, who came up with the technical term “tweet” anyway….ok, back to my article.  I am working to attract additional readers and build a bit of a personal brand, so a friend told me that I should be leveraging Twitter and I listened.  It’s been an interesting Twitter week (thank you to my dear, sweet followers-all 36 of you- I won’t forget you when I hit the big time blog circuit).  Tweeting and "following" has shown me all of the random thoughts, interesting perspectives and creativity that people want to talk about and honestly, I love reading all of it. As I have blogged about recently, one of the reasons I switched companies in March was to have more focus on family and to seek personal balance.  Tonight was one of those less than balanced evenings as I had soccer practice with my oldest and my wife took my other two offspring to the 6-year old’s hockey game, only to meet back at the house, get everyone showered and prepped for the 2^nd hockey game of the weekend (taking place at 730am on Saturday morning- so much for the weekend sleep in).  Truth be told, I was getting a little bored at soccer-at least I’m honest while I search for balance and increased family time.  So in an attempt to combat my boredom I grabbed the I-phone and looked for people to follow on Twitter. I started surfing through the lists of people who might be writing, speaking and coaching on the subject of “life balance” and the results were a bit overwhelming.  Life coaches, authors, speakers, spiritual advisors and a few hundred thousand others popped up.  I began to feel a bit diluted in the whole scheme of becoming a work life balance pioneer, but I kept clicking FOLLOW on the various people who appeared to have unique perspectives on a common topic.

Twitter aside for a minute, type WORK LIFE BALANCE into Google and you’ll get these results: About 4,960,000 results (0.08 seconds), so it is clear that a host of us are seeking some kind of balance.  Isn’t it funny that so many people could be looking for something and none of us seems to find it, ever?  I can find thousands of authors, coaches and speakers who preach about ways to achieve balance and yet, according to a recent article I read in a workforce planning magazine more than 70% of professionals are struggling with balance, engagement with their careers and are down right unhappy.  That’s when it hit me… if so many of us are looking for something and we never find it, maybe we really didn’t want to find it in the first place.  Is it possible that we have grown to like the misery, the drama and the unnatural balance that we live in?  I’ll admit it; I like the misery and drama a little bit.  Hell, it gives us something to talk about at work, during family dinners and it enables us to hide from growing, exploring, divergence of thought and balancing our lives.  In short, fear based and drama based actions and thought are ironically easier to deal with and more widely accepted than the balance we claim to want.

Here are some examples.  For some reason, I, like others, have been terrified to live life the way it was intended.   I’ve worked hard for the last 4 years to try and break my ego maniacal ways, become more financially responsible and to pay more attention to the people in my life that deserve my attention.  Old habits die hard because my ego is still pretty strong.  It doesn’t take much for me to want to revert back to my “old habits” of living a life built around monetary incentives and materialism which creates an unbalanced lifestyle.  Second example; I am driving a used car for the first time in my professional life and although it gets me from A to B and it doesn’t burn $4.00 per gallon at the rate of 15 miles per gallon like the SUV I might want, I still refuse to take people to lunch in that car (for fear they might wonder if I’m doing ok) and I’m thinking about buying a nice new car, so people will think highly of me (coughing sound…shallow…coughing sound).  Again, it is much easier to pay a car payment and live more chaotically than to embrace the comfort of no car payment.  How counter-intuitive is that?  Finally, I make a recent career move that some might call a -step back- and although I did it strategically, I still feel the need to justify that move to everyone I see, so others won’t think that I am a “job hopper” or incapable of keeping a position (even though the job gives me everything I would need to support the “balance” I talk so positively about).

See- I am simply prone to making decisions that support chaos, not balance.  I am realizing that this elusive balance isn’t something that is found, it is already around us and only takes a set of simple choices to engage.  Balance is the way life was intended to be lived, but we’ve grown so comfortable with chaos, that we’ve made the natural appear unattainable.

The positive is I’m recognizing all of this at a point in time where I hope to have years to correct some of these decision patterns and teach my children the more balanced choices in life.

I've made horrible mistakes...have you?

My Aunt Laurie, a 30+ year teacher and avid reader-writer used to tell me that when writing, you need to find your voice.  And…you should hope to find people who are willing to listen to that voice!  My writer’s voice, my opinions and my inspiration for life balance have been growing over time, but finding the audience who connects with my writing is a bit more difficult.  A few days ago an old client emailed me looking for some guidance regarding recruiting strategies for one of his clients.  I happily responded with some available times and we agreed to chat for an hour on Friday morning.  Joe and I worked together in 2007 & 2008.  Joe was the HR executive for an Oklahoma based oil and gas firm and I was leading the recruiting company supporting them.  Although we work for different firms now, we have kept in email contact and trade voicemails occasionally. What I didn’t know until Friday morning was Joe is a regular visitor to my blog site.  Our conversation opened with “Trav- I love your blog”, which took me off guard because he began to comment on my writing frequency and how my topics seem to run in waves.  My ego translated these comments into: “Hey, dude…you are a decent writer, but you are all over the freaking map with topics, get focused, would ya!”  So as I was working to shut off my ego’s filter, I began to digest some constructive coaching when it became clear that Joe wasn’t coaching me, he was genuinely stating that he “connected” to the content on my blog site.  

Most of my friends and family know that I am innately forthcoming with my emotions and that I am working on being very “aware” of my strengths and my weaknesses.  Now Joe, he struck me as different.  Joe, self-admitted, holds onto emotion, keeps them bottled up and ironically, seems to carry the same fears and concerns I have written about.  He told me that the more I wrote about my challenges, fears and issues, the more he read and the more normal he began to feel (what a humbling experience for me).  The reason I was so taken back was the outward appearance that Joe carries.  Here is this man who from the outside looks to be as steady as a person could be.  He is the father of two boys, a husband, has strong career experiences and all the while he was harboring pain and anguish about his place in society, his priorities and his life long struggle with balance. Where I have fought feelings of inadequacy and insecurity for the best part of 38 years, he had been fighting them for 52 years.  Our fears, insecurities and struggle to maintain balance was all the same and it was relieving to both of us, so we continued to share ways we have dealt with and managed our challenges.  It became clear to me that my “audience” didn’t have to be a young father or someone who felt lost in their career.  My audience is probably larger than I thought it was going to be and I began to wonder how many young men, new fathers, old fathers, husbands (both newly weds and those celebrating 50 years of marriage) struggle with these same challenges.  How many of them get up every morning and anguish about going to work, because they would rather stay home with the kids, run the errands, take a step back in their career, down size their bills (but they just can’t find anyone to share these thoughts with)?

I have learned that being open and transparent isn’t the only step.  Once you have opened up, you benefit from taking action that supports the recovery of the areas you may have struggled with.  It was eye opening, humbling and an honor to talk with Joe and to learn from someone who has been working to “stop the chase” and find more balance too.  Admitting that I have faulted in so many areas of life is abnormal to most people, but truth be told, everyone is screwing something up at some point in life and I am just now realizing how much easier it is to adjust your course if you don’t feel alone on the journey.  Honesty and humility enables a person to “let go” of the bullshit that comes along with all of those fears.

After being honest with my parents, my wife, my friends, my coach (the list goes on), we have found ways to adjust the course I was on.  I am less than 12 months away from being “bad debt free”, I have made adjustments to my career (so it works around my schedule and not the other way around) and my relationship with my wife and children is based on honesty and humility, which doesn’t make being a parent or a husband easier, just more genuine.

As I have been taught, it is unrealistic to think we won’t continue to make mistakes.  We will continue to be fearful (we’re human), we will continue to make poor decisions, but having the nerve to be open and transparent about how we are feeling enables us to locate others who are going through the same struggles and you’ll be surprised as to how many people are trying to work through these challenges alone.

Remember- there is safety in numbers!

Yep...I quit!

I titled my blog Stop the Chase because the title helps remind me to stay active (in thought and action) around the topic of finding balance in life.  So here I sit, as so many of us do, and dream about pursuing writing for a living, dream about being a 4-hour marathoner, aspire to be a cub-scout leader for my boys, dream about coaching my kids’ teams and I even have interest in helping our community through volunteer work.  Does this sound familiar to you?  Do you dream like this?  If you don’t, have you forgotten about the dreams you might have had at one point in your life? For 16 years I have been putting people to work for a living.  In various stages of my career I have either been a recruiter (someone who is paid to find people or respond to employment applications and determine whether or not these professionals might add value to the company they are applying to), a recruiting manager (someone who helps coach people who were doing the former), a director (someone who tells someone how to coach people who do the former) and I even had a stint as a vice president of recruiting (a person who gets so far away from recruiting they probably shouldn’t tell ANYONE what or how to do), so after a 4 year run as the director/vp type, I took a role with a Fortune 500 company (in early 2010) to “get back into big corporate” and it only took 365 days for me to realize that the higher I climb the farther away from my life goals I seem to get.  I write about and aspire to find balance and this newly found role was doing just the opposite.  I was actually less and less balanced with a need for long hours, the hunt for new clients and the management of a team that worked in an industry that is facing large challenges, so I did what I felt to be necessary to maintain balance…I quit!

Yep…I quit and it felt great.  It felt great for a couple reasons. First, I found an opportunity to go back into a recruiting role with one of my former employers, PricewaterhouseCoopers (talking, coaching, guiding and counseling people who are interested in coming to work for one company- instead of my previous decade’s worth of work supporting multiple organizations as a consultant). Second, I sought this opportunity out for the balance it could offer (after the realization of my personal and professional targets thanks in part to significant life coaching from my personal coach, Kim Knapp).  And finally, this new role will provide me the opportunity to do some of the “family” activities I mentioned in the first paragraph of this article, which has me very excited.

I know that it has become very popular to talk about finding balance (but too few actually do it) and it is less than popular to talk about personal or professional dreams (ironic that so many probably dream, but our lack of balance disables us from finding the time to talk about those dreams or execute on them), so I am taking it upon myself to try and narrow my list of dreams and begin seeing them through. 

Here are some areas that I am going to work on:

1. Be home more and have a smile on my face- I’d like to validate my belief that people can work from 830am-5pm, be productive while working and be engaging with their families in the evening.

2. Focus on exercise- I am a runner, but sometimes for the wrong reasons, so instead of focusing on runs to achieve “status” like a marathon completion or a personal best in a half-marathon, I’m going to run each morning, so I have the energy to support #1.

3. Write more consistently- I enjoy writing and someday would like to write for the purpose of inspiring action in others. The more I write, the better I’ll get (let’s hope) and the closer I will come to the realization of writing and speaking for a living.

4. Be more “present” with my wife and children- My wife and I are both active and both very supportive parents, but I am not always present for my family activities, as my mind wanders about work, life, etc. 

As I see it, if people can focus on a narrowed list of goals, dreams or personal targets (as I am attempting to focus on the four areas mentioned above) then their behaviors should ripple out, in a positive way, to the other aspects of their lives and help to afford the personal balance and professional freedom they may be searching for.  As my coach likes to say; BE, DO and then HAVE (“be” something you aspire to be, “do” the actions that are necessary to accomplish and “have” the results that you have been pushing for).

Another chapter of my journey begins on Monday and I’ll look forward to sharing more of it with all of you as the months roll by.

I want duffel bags for Christmas...

I want duffel bags for Christmas… I am sure most of you have seen the movie A Christmas Story, but if  you haven’t, please know that it is a cult classic about a young boy and his “journey” through the Christmas season and his quest for a single gift; the red rider bee-bee gun (you’ll shoot your eye out…).

The movie is set in the 1950’s and chronicles this young man’s strategy plan for ensuring Santa Claus brings him the gift he feels he needs and deserves.  In a critical scene, the main character, Ralphie, visits Santa and instead of articulating what he wants, he panics and forgets to ask for the toy that he has longed for.  His botched attempt quickly ends his visit on Santa’s knee and an “elf” grabs Ralphie, pulls him from the all mighty “knee” and sends him down a slide (surely ending his dream of receiving this toy).  But in a display of pure passion and perseverance, Ralphie musters the fight to climb back up the slide and makes his final request to Santa; successfully solidifying that he will receive the toy of choice!  How great was it being a “kid” at Christmas?

I want duffel bags for Christmas…

Flash forward to 2010 and things are bit different, aren’t they?  For those of us who are adults- we don’t sit on Santa’s knee and ask for the things we believe we want or need, in fact,  "we" get the requests now and "we" spend most of our time ensuring that the little ones in our lives get those requests, right?  Well I had an interesting experience and an even more interesting request this week and I wanted to share it with you.

I want duffel bags for Christmas…

I have a good friend who has been serving our country for 16 years.  He was a graduate of West Point and could have served his required 4 years (post-graduation) and moved on to a high paying job somewhere in the U.S., but instead he decided to continue serving.  This man has fought in Iraq and now he fights in Afghanistan.  This man has 4 beautiful children and an angel for a wife and as he is approaching another full year and a half away from his family, he reached out and made a request that I found humbling.  This friend of mine emailed me in search of duffel bags for Christmas.  Yes, duffel bags.  I’m sure all of our troops, at some point, wish for their friends, family and the comforts of “home”, but on this Christmas, a good friend of mine wants duffel bags?

I want duffel bags for Christmas…

The duffle bags he requested are sitting in Dearborn, Michigan and they are full of used fire-fighting equipment.  My friend’s battalion is partnered with an Afghan Army Fire Fighting Section and as you can imagine, this Afghani group doesn’t have the bunker gear or some of the necessities to do the job they are commissioned to do.  My friend is a Major in the Army and he has a reservist in his battalion who is from Dearborn, Michigan (which is where I’m from as well as my friend who made the request).  The Dearborn Fire Department has donated these 12 duffle bags of equipment and my friend could use some help in finding a group to help pay for the shipping to get these bags to Afghanistan.  Of all the things someone could wish for on Christmas my friend (and his troops) are wishing for something incredibly self-less and that put a whole bunch of things into perspective.  I don’t have all of the details of the cost or the logistics of the shipping yet, but I am going to get that information soon and will continue to help get that gear shipped to Afghanistan. If you would be willing to help, I know it would be appreciated.

I want duffel bags for Christmas…

I have been running around this season and at times, whined about the work load that I’m balancing (while others are off), attempting to make the holiday parties, stressing about the gifts that I’m giving and then it happened; this request for duffel bags.  Thanks Matt, your request has helped me realize how blessed I am to have people like you in my life and I will continue to do what I can to help with this project.  I hope if anyone else reading this has an idea about organizations, businesses or individuals who might be able to help contribute to shipping this equipment, please post to this article and I’ll find a way to connect with you.

What did you wish for this year?  I bet it wasn’t duffel bags!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you!

Are you thankful?

[thangk-fuh l]   –adjective

feeling or expressing gratitude; appreciative.

I spend a fair amount of time contemplating life as well as the consequences of my actions.  A few years ago I realized that my thoughts had a very negative tone.  Most people wouldn’t have guessed this because of my innate ability to keep a relatively happy exterior, but the truth is; my own harsh personal criticisms (which I’m sure we are all guilty of) and the doubt and  guilt over bad decisions really didn’t add value to my life, in fact, it did the opposite.  All of this contemplation and internal reflection on my missteps fueled my personal insecurities, which led to an ego issue (I had to over compensate with an external “everything is great” appearance) and then this manifested itself into an ever-present level of internal frustration which I have affectionately pushed out on those closest to me; my family.

So why do I share all of this?  I share this with you because I’ve worked very hard for 2 years to realize that the internal punishment some people may put themselves through is worthless.  Yes, life can suck from time to time and yes, work might be a pain in the ass and yes, the kids may have a really busy schedule, but I realize that the more I focus on the negative, the more negative I experience.  My focus (as of late) has been to appreciate and accept what life might throw at me.  In short, I’m learning to be thankful again, which is something that is easy to forget with the pace most of our lives take.

I am thankful that I have been surrounded by friends and family who have helped me through some of these challenges in life.  I am thankful that I have been able to recognize that these “challenges” are actually pretty common and we can get through most of what life throws at us.  I am thankful that I have been able to work at shelving my ego (for the most part) and work on sharing some of my issues so that others might identify with these challenges and learn that they aren’t alone in what can feel like a real battle some days.

I’m thankful for the opportunities that have been presented to me (personally and professionally) and even though I might not always act appreciative, I am learning to recognize how special each of these opportunities has been.  For each “check” you could put in the thankful column there may be one that you could put in the “could have done without that column”, so do yourself a favor today and put those frustrating areas of life away.  Clear the negativity and reflect a bit on what it really means to be thankful.

Don’t forget to keep your reflection simple too.  Focus on the areas that we tend to take for granted.  The furnace that keeps your house warm, the roof over your head, the food at your table, the company of the friends and family you might see this weekend and the air you breathe.

I think we can all find something to be thankful for!

Happy Thanksgiving!

$90 million goals and dreams...

Most of us probably read about the winners of the lottery that netted two Michigan men $266 million dollars.  Not bad pay days, even after dividing the $266 million into two, $133 million pay checks.  Now we all know that the government gets their chunk, so reduce that $133 million to, let’s say, $90 million and then you start thinking about what to do with all of your money…that’s when the interesting discussion starts. Imagine if you had that money, all $90 million dollars of it (earning $1.8 million per year in interest with a 2% savings account- I’d bet the bank would give you two toasters for opening that account).  Would you continue the lifestyle or the career that you have today (assuming all that scratch was already in the bank)?  I listen to people who chat about lottery winnings and they use the topic as a catalyst for sharing dreams, goals, and aspirations as it relates to all of the things they would like to do in life, but might not have the opportunity to do for various reasons.  Some people talk about setting their kids up for life and the pressure that would relieve.  Some talk about cars and vacation homes.  Some talk about starting businesses and some talk about helicopters picking them up for their morning ride around town (o.k. - I thought it would be cool, just once, to drop my kids off at school from our helicopter, but I know it’s not practical).

I think we’d all be lying if we hadn’t been part of that game a number of times with a number of different people and what I find so intriguing are the number of dreams people have that never get pursued.

My son’s hockey coach approached me the other day and inquired about my writing.  He noticed one of my blog titles on my personal email signature and asked “what the writing was all about”.  I shared with him that I used to write an industry blog for my last employer and that I had aspirations of writing and speaking for a living.  After giving him my quick response, I dove back down to sea level and resumed my routine of answering emails on my blackberry as the kids skated around the rink.

Cliff grabbed my attention again and asked, “Why don’t you write and speak then” as if it were so simple and illogical that someone who wants something wouldn’t go get it and that’s when it hit me…

Most of our goals, targets and dreams that get outlined when playing the “what would I do if I won a BAJILLION dollars” game might be more achievable than we think.  I know this because I am a man who has run a marathon, but is not built like a marathoner.  I am the son of a woman who wanted to live through cancer and did and I am the brother of a man who went from renting moonwalks for a living at age 22 to becoming the Chief Operating Officer of an incredibly profitable entertainment business by age 34, so I guess most things are closer to our reach than we may give credit.

Thanks Cliff.  I appreciate your honest and logical question.  I am writing, maybe not getting paid to do it yet, but enjoying every minute of the writing I do. If I stay persistent enough and someday complete that book or have an article published, I’ll make sure to remember that it was your question that helped keep me on track with my personal dreams and vision.  To the rest of you, if you happen to be reading this and think about running, or teaching, or retiring, or changing careers, or any other myriad of “lotto list goals”, choose one, make up a concrete plan of steps to take which will get you closer to your goal and begin pursuing.  You’ll surprise yourself, I promise that.

Dad, what's an "all-star"?

Dad, what’s an “all-star”? This was the question posed to me last night by my 8 year old son.  He overheard my wife and me talking about our 6 year old and the upcoming City Soccer Club U6 all-star game.  It wasn’t the question that tripped me up; it was the look in his eyes when he asked it.

My oldest son is an amazing boy; he has the vocabulary of a 15 year old, has been reading on his own for 3 years, he can throw a ball with the best of them, mathematics comes as natural to him as breathing and he has a gentle soul; one that naturally has him be kind, gentle and supportive to those around him, so when he sheepishly asked me about being an all-star, I knew I had done something wrong because from his perspective, all of his amazing abilities appeared to fade away.  His eyes welled up a bit and he said “you want me to be an all-star, right Dad?” which was code for; “I haven’t done a good enough job for you, right?”

Dad, what’s an “all-star”?

I have a good friend and life coach who recently shared her thoughts on raising children and she told me that she believes nothing to be more arrogant than the act of setting an expectation for a child.  When she shared her opinion I argued it, naturally, because I had been a believer of expectation setting and more importantly, expectation achievement.  Her belief system is so different from mine and as I have had time to digest it, it’s beginning to make more sense to me.  As a parent, we should be here for one primary reason; to love our children, unconditionally.  Too often we expect our kids to exceed what we might have accomplished in life or we expect them to follow in our path, which is inherently arrogant, isn’t it?  Instead of expectations couldn’t we simply offer love and guidance and accept that their path in life is just that; their path.  Our role becomes that of inserting a solid moral compass and enabling our children to become productive adults by showing the respect they deserve while experiencing life. Whether we believe it or not; our kids are going to follow their own path and as a parent, like me, we should work to recognize that, right? 

Dad, what’s an “all-star”?

The look of vulnerability and disappointment being shown was enough to break my heart.  As a parent, I believe these are opportunities that afford us time to support and show love, so I did.  Instead of an answer on what is an all-star, I shared my belief regarding effort and its role in life.  I shared my personal belief that not every boy or girl will be an “all-star” on the field and not all great teams are made up of “all-stars”, either.  We talked about the effort needed in school and at home and I shared that as long as he knew in his heart that he had given an effort that was as strong as he could muster then he’d have nothing to ever be disappointed about.  I finished my little speech and gave him a hug and kiss and he looked up at me and said, “Dad…I think I can work a little harder and do a little more to help my soccer team.”  What a comment!  After all of this talk about what makes an individual “all-star” my son equated the effort we talked about and is looking to apply it to helping others, not himself.

Dad, what’s an “all-star”?

You are kiddo…you are.

I could use some advice...

As a father of three; two boys (8 & 6) and a daughter (3), you can imagine that life can get a little crazy.  My wife and I both work full time, which in 2010 is typically defined as 55 hours per week, right?  Add to that work schedule a “kid's sports” schedule on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays (not including game days) where hockey and soccer practices run until dark and finally, as most of the parents of my generation have done; we continue to overload and overburden our kids with the random Cub Scout meeting, a “play date” and some homework/reading before bed. If you get a chance, look into the trailer for Race to No Where www.racetonowhere.com and you’ll see what we are doing to our kids!  The main focus of my blog is to share personal stories and sometimes struggles with my inability to balance life and work, while maintaining the title of Active and Supportive Father, so I am hoping to hear from other parents who struggle the same way and maybe this site can become a “haven” for the overstretched and overloaded as we work to a common goal of finding some tips to balancing the journey of life.  It is clear that society doesn’t make it easy to have a stay at home parent these days, so the “best laid plans” of working from 9am to 430pm, having dinner with the family at 5pm and then skipping and singing our way to soccer practices just isn’t reality.

In contrast, it is more accurate to say that I typically race home (while on a conference call), fly into the house and shout for someone to pick something up and get a uniform on and when they don’t listen the first time, yelling and throwing things (soft things) can help generate more chaos and make me feel like I’m motivating the troops.  Our family continues its passionately loud discussion related to who will eat what for dinner, how fast they can eat it and then we RACE out the door, jump into a car (I go one way) my wife goes another direction and when schedules are really crazy my father-in-law shoves off in a third direction.  Some time around 830pm we get home, get the kids showered, pass out in bed around 10pm and before we know it, the alarm clock is firing at 6am.

If this lead in made you smile and/or nauseous…congratulations, you’re probably in the same boat (because if you don’t have kids, the drama in this article would have made you stop reading and probably stop having sex for a couple of weeks for fear of embarking on the same kind of chaos in the future)!

Your help is requested.  If you are a parent and you have found ways to simplify life, please add your comments! 

The moral of this article:  Simple is good.  I recognize that I am guilty of over scheduling and over committing my children, which in turn, makes our lives (as parents) even crazier.  My wife and I are working to simplify the demand for formal activities and replace them with “play at the park”, hikes on the weekends and time with friends.  After all, what I’ve seen thus far as a parent; our kids may enjoy all of the activities and time with their friends, but at this age, they would trade it all for more time with the family!

Why "Stop the Chase" exists...

I have been "blogging" for a couple of years and although most of my writing has been industry specific, I did use the blogosphere for a short period of time to share details of my personal struggles with life, work and family.  During that time, I was introduced to a number of people who seem to be on a similar "journey", a journey motivated by a search for balance, peace, simplicity and humility.  This blog was created with the intent of helping other people through the sharing of thoughts, opinions and experiences.  This blog, Stop the Chase, is going to have weekly posts, regular links & uploads along with the occasional personal opinion piece targeted at helping others "find balance" with the various aspects of life (parenting, work, relationships and financial). I hope you enjoy.  Feel free to pass this blog around and if you know of other links that could add value, share them with me and I'll ensure they get posted regularly.