So, what are you? Oh- I'm a searcher...how about you?

I’ve spent the bulk of my personal life and the entirety of my professional career in a bit of a quandary.  I’ve always known, somewhere in that space that people describe as their “soul”, that corporate America wasn’t a place for me and I am also acutely aware that the “personality presentation” I’ve been able to put on for others (let’s call them friends & family) has been less than genuine too.  I’ve always believed that I am on a search for something and I have been pretty insecure as to why the rest of the world seemed OK with picking a path and sticking to it. I heard, this weekend, that Sigmund Freud wrote extensively about happiness and although I haven’t read his work on the topic, the summary I received this weekend was interesting.  I was offered the summary by a psychologist friend of mine and his summary touched on how Freud viewed the expectations people put on their lives and how life (call it reality) tends to step in the way and dampen what some of us might refer to as our “life plan”.  When you think about it, husbands and wives probably have targets or expectations about how clean to keep a house, how many date nights to hit a week, what travel they may want to experience and for those less fortunate, which bills to pay for the month (ensuring that lights stay on or food makes it to the table).

Reality can set in and extinguish, if you let it, the fire that keeps most of us plugging down the path of experiencing life and, supposedly, Freud believed that when reality stepped in the way of grand expectations, if life’s curve ball made it such that the goals became unattainable, then people would typically release happiness from their lives and would “let go” of the goal they may have set, which then creates a host of other challenges.

Well…I share this story because I was forced into a living Freud experiment only 1 day following my introduction to the topic (I didn’t even have time to go to Barnes & Noble and buy the damn book).  See, I’m beginning to get my own understanding of what drives happiness and what drives my satisfaction in life.  God knows I’ve been writing and speaking about it for almost 3 years and even though it’s an incredibly complicated and complex path to journey down, when you start to get to the root of things- it is simpler than most give credit.

As a backdrop- Sundays are my “recovery” day on my marathon training, so as my distances pick up, my recovery runs are now 5, 6 and 7 miles, which I typically do early in the morning.  This morning, though, I wanted to sleep in (we had some friends over for dinner, it was 65 degrees last night, which means great sleeping and my ENTIRE family stayed in bed until 930am…which was fantastic).  Here comes the experiment- I had an expectation of running 7 miles this morning, but I also had the expectation of taking my family (armed with their bikes) on that run.  We got the bikes out, the kids got dressed, Deena was looking hot in her workout attire and ready for the bike ride (sorry D, you know what runs through my mind every 7.5 minutes) and we took off down the street.

My I-pod was cranking hip hop/house music- it’s my inner 80’s DJ coming out, the boys tore off down the street, Deena was following the boys… and then there was Jillian.  My angelic 5 year old refused to pedal faster than 1 mile per hour (which is going to make our run a long 7 hour ordeal) and every slight descend on the sidewalk was greeted by a shriek of horror, as if she was bombing down Mt. Everest without any safety equipment.  Needless to say- the boys are pissed because they have to wait for their “annoying sister”, Deena is edgy because she knows I’m going to be pissed off about my run, which ruins her idea of a great family day and she was right…I began chewing out a 5 year old girl because she refused to pedal at a 10:30/mile pace.

Oh yeah, all of this occurs prior to eclipsing the 500 yard marker and then Brecken’s chain pops off his bike (Karma is a bitch and I was putting too much bad mojo in the air).  Bike repair complete, I’m now covered in chain oil, my daughter is crying, my wife is pouting, my oldest son has disappeared on the ride and for a brief minute life’s scoreboard popped into my head (REALITY-1, FAMILY EXPECTATION-0).  Dr. Freud’s little theory on the disillusionment of happiness based on reality inserting itself into people’s bullshit became my living psychological experiment.  That’s when it happened.

I got up, saw the look on my daughter’s face, my son was believing that the chain was HIS fault and I caught the blue sky, the green trees, my entire family (sans my 10 year old who had enough and was bolting down the street like a professional mountain biker) and I realized that if I had to run another “lap” of our bike course to achieve my mileage, no problem…my kids were about to jump onto a trail that would give them the freedom to bike at their own pace, my wife was going to get to spend time with her husband and children and I was still going to get my run in (and truthfully…my marathon is going to take 5 hours to complete anyway, so who the hell cares if I run my 7 miles in 1:20 or 3:00 hours).  I calmed down and I adjusted my expectations and THAT is the simplicity of being a happier person (in my opinion).  I calmed down and helped my daughter balance on her bike, the boys raced ahead and we all made it to the trail head.  Our ride only took 1 hour (the whole family covered about 4 miles) and I ran ahead for the other three miles and everyone got what they wanted (and yes…Jillian continued to stop every 40 feet and collect rocks, twigs and other goodies found on the bike path, so she was happy too).

My run story is no different than the scenario of running short on money, losing a file to a big presentation, running late for an appointment or not getting the dishes done when you had hoped.  We all set expectations (every day) and when you can start to realize that life will insert reality, which could step in the way of you achieving your expectation, do yourself a favor…calm down, look around, appreciate what you are experiencing  and step around the bump that life puts in front of you.

I just reread my first paragraph and wanted to close with my earlier point.  I’ve realized why I’ve changed jobs, run marathons, adventure raced, mountain biked, read books, wrote articles, started a blog, travelled for work, tried crazy things with my wife, hugged my children for no apparent reason, gave money to homeless people…because I’m a “searcher”.  We are a small group (as I’ve been able to determine thus far in life), but we are always on the hunt for something.  I used to think it was the search for the “end” of the journey, but ironically, it’s not.  I’m always moving, changing, growing and experiencing so that I can find the beginning of a new path.  It is inevitable that if one chooses to be a “searcher” then one should also become really comfortable with adjusting expectations based on life’s curve balls.  This is the first time in life when I’ve felt like I’ve been able to articulate why I’m in a constant state of movement and it feels good.  To other “searchers” out there…enjoy your next path on the journey and for those who tend to be a little more methodical on their path- I wish you well and don’t let reality piss you off too often and please don’t give up your happiness because of some inevitable challenges.

Finite...everything comes to an end, doesn't it?

Finite is a word that is used often, but I’m not sold that its definition is truly appreciated anymore.  I’ll spare everyone the diatribe about corporate America and the struggles we have balancing work and life and I promise to refrain from a self loathing article about how I make mistakes, search for truths and spend time searching for enlightenment.  I just jumped out of bed to write this article because as I lay awake (watching the Tigers abandon runners on base) I was thinking about how a simple dinner this evening helped me recognize something critical about my relationship with my wife and I thought sharing would illustrate how it could be relevant to your relationship too. First, my son is playing football this fall, so Deena and I attended the new parents’ meeting to learn about expectations for the season and to sign up for our “volunteer” hours (selling hotdogs for a couple games) and to learn about the equipment we’ll need to purchase for the upcoming season.  It’s only July, so even though the summer break will continue on for another 6 weeks, we know that we’ll be fighting over calendar appointments, determining who needs to go where (with whom) and Deena will re-engage in another year of teaching all too soon.

Before I start depressing everyone (including myself) with banter about how quick the summer is flying by, I wanted to go back to our dinner and how a meal with my wife has adjusted my view on some of my historical “husband-like” behaviors.

After the football meeting we had a drink, put in our dinner order, watched some baseball, sipped margaritas and spent some time talking and laughing.  I like to have complicated discussions (they entertain me), but my wife does not, so we found a happy medium and shot the shit about a few other topics.

Toward the end of dinner, marriages became the focal point of the discussion and as some couples probably do…we joked about what it was like dating each other, how we’ve changed over time and how our priorities adjusted post kids and post marriage.  Yes, I tend to take these talks to “pig like” husband spaces and insert the snide comments about how often we used to “hang out” (that’s what I’ll call it for my G rated audience) and whenever I bring that subject up she traditionally rebuts (as most spouses probably do) about how life, kids, lists, projects, sleep and a myriad of preoccupations tend to step in the priority lane ahead of “hanging out”.  In short, I was told to “shut it” and drink my tequila.

We finished a good meal and a good chat, so we jumped in the car and drove home.  Once home, I got the kids showered up and ready for bed, Deena caught up with her parents a bit (they watched the kids for us) and I laid down (expecting to dose off to sleep), but that’s when it hit me.  Not sure why, but the thought of how finite our lives are, which includes the time with my wife, continued to bounce through my head.  I experienced a unique appreciation for this limited time (more than I ever have in the past) and it continued to run through my mind that I should have more of these “dinners” with my wife and it had been too long since I really appreciated a dinner with Deena (as I wrote last week, it’s easy to take people for granted).  Dinner was tremendous because of the simplicity of the time together (we sat close together at a bar, shared good discussion, watched baseball and just enjoyed our company).   

This shouldn’t shock anyone, but here it goes…I, like others, can be a whiny and demanding husband at times! And when you layer on my additional desire for philosophical discussions- I get it…it can be exhausting.  With that said, here is something ALL wives could pay attention to (exhausting husband or non-exhausting husband).  Every husband will have his unique way of communicating his interests for getting close to you.  After meeting you for the first time…we chased you, dated you, got engaged and married you, so yes…whether we still act like it or not, we love being around you.  I don’t want to speak for all husbands, but I know a few and I promise this…our intentions are generally rooted in a good place, so although some of us might grope (I do that), some might beg for time with you (yep, been there too) and in the absence of “attention” some might pout (okay, I’m three for three), the wives out there should all recognize that we are pretty simple too (we want to spend time with you), but being men…and through the exhaustion of chasing you, we might forget how simple it really can be to connect with you.

Some might question what we actually forget?  We might forget what it was like to enjoy sitting next to you somewhere, what it was like to talk to you as our “friend” or what it was like to “date” and force ourselves to be a little more “smooth” than we might be today.  How did this happen?  It’s simple.  We get wrapped up too.  Wrapped up in where to go with the kids, who to take to which practice, when to pick up, how to keep working hard and making sure to devote time to you and the kids and all the while, we are still men, so…this is where we revert to groping, begging and pouting, right? 

Let’s close this with my raised awareness and revisit the finite nature of our time together.  As couples, we only have so many days left together and I hope anyone reading this chooses to respect that concept.  Every night you spend apart, every night someone heads off to bed early or the next time dinner consists of herding the kids at your table (so you can force them to consume enough food to stay alive for another day)…step back and readjust your actions and behaviors.  If you don’t show that you appreciate your spouse, you’ve burned another day, so I’m going to try and respect this lesson and spend more time with Deena and I’m going to ask that she does the same.  Go to dinner with each other, sit next to each other at the dinner table, put the kids to bed 30 minutes early and simply hang out with each other for a change and if that all fails…feel free to resort back to groping, begging and pouting.  I’ve said it a bunch tonight, so remember…our lives are finite and we chose to be in these relationships, so let’s work to remember the little ways to stay focused on our time together, not our time apart.

Vegas baby...Vegas

Anyone close to me knows that I like to analyze, sometimes to a fault, so as I sat at my house last week, the topic of relationships and what keeps them going kept popping into my head.  Why?  Simple, I had time on my hands and there is a ton of bad TV airing during the day (with some of America's best relationship doctors, i.e. Jerry Springer) and, truth-be-told, I was pouting because my wife was able to be in one of my favourite cities, Las Vegas, and I was at home thinking about how insane it would be to have 3 kids on my own.  Prior to this week of adult solitary confinement, I spent the July 4^th week at my family’s home in northern Michigan and even though I prayed, two or three times, for some peace and quiet (you have to understand that we had 14 people in one house plus dogs and the random visitors), I wasn’t fully prepared for the daily task of looking after my “little angels” the following week.  Flashing back to my 4^th of July prayers about peace and quiet…be careful what you ask for. On Sunday, July 8^th, everyone was gone and the beach house only had my family left...so we cleaned up the house, locked the doors, packed into the mini-van and left the tranquillity of Lake Michigan.  Ironically, I wasn’t my normal, pissed off self as I drove down-state, which was due (in part) to the fact that I also took the week of the 9^th off (nice to get away for some extended time) and as you’ve been informed, I was on “kid duty” while Deena was at her “conference”.  Deena’s trip was apparently a success because she looked like hell when she got home, slept on a couch the entire day of her return and although she commented that the conference was great, it was also really "tiring" (I watched the Hangover while she was gone, so I wasn’t buying her story).  I would have typically believed her, but she returned home with no pictures of the conference, but there were bar pictures…and the only proof of this work trip was one really ugly conference bag and binder.  My theory…she and her friends picked up these charming teacher bags and binders, printed conference logos on them and played it off as if they were really “working”.  Now, I don’t really believe that (it’s just my bitter & jealous side rearing its head…come on, I love Vegas), so back to my point.

During my week with the kids we stayed pretty busy.  I had events planned for them each day: we pulled together a lunch at Greenfield Village, facilitated a sleep-over at a friend’s house, hit a birthday party and took care of a couple of travel hockey try-outs.  I also made sure that we did something critical to any period of time when Mom isn’t around (we spent money).  I let the kids pick flowers for the deck (yes, I turned in my man card before Deena left for Vegas), although I did redeem myself from the sissy’esque flower shopping spree with a solid rebound purchase from Home Depot (a metal, roll-away vintage looking beer cooler), which worked well on Friday night as I sat with my brother and a good friend and pontificated over every topic under the sun (religion, politics, relationships, marriage, etc.) and 30 beers.

Here comes my poignant teaching moment and the inspirational comments that typically close each of my articles.  What keeps relationships going and what did I learn during this time with my kids that I can impart on each of you (my loyal readership)?  I learned this.  I think our divorce rate is, in part, at 60% nationally because people take each other for granted.  As a remedy, if you are a couple, you should schedule 1 or 2 trips per year (where one of the spouses heads out for a long weekend or if you can pull it off, a full week), which reminds you of a couple things; 1) how nice it is to have someone in your life, 2) a little bit of jealousy helps you remember that you do need to “work” at showing your spouse how much they mean to you and 3) it is so much easier to manage kids when they don’t have you outnumbered 3:1.  In all seriousness, it has always been easy for me to take off and travel (work travel, golf trips, conferences, etc) and I’m sure it was easy for Deena to take off too.  I know, we all bark about “ohhhh, I’ll miss you all so much”, but let’s not bullshit each other, sometimes it is nice to get away and I was reminded about how demanding the world can be with only one parent in the mix and I look up to all single parents who live this on a daily basis.  I learned that as much as I pick on my wife, I miss having her with us and realize what an instrumental part of our family she plays (I mean someone has to say “no” to the kids every now and then, right)?

To wrap up, don’t take your loved ones for granted.  Work each and every day to show them how much they mean to you and forgive them if they wake up with Mike Tyson’s tiger in their possession.

Problem or Inconvenience?

I have a problem. I just checked out of the hospital after 4 days of IV antibiotics, blood draws and I even got to experience, first hand, what it feels like to learn about an allergy to pain killers (I never knew the tip of your nose could itch and that your tongue is rather uncomfortable in your mouth when it feels like an over sized bean bag- and during an escapade like that, blood-pressure can hit 195/135).

I have a problem.

On Sunday afternoon I had some horrible cramping in my side, followed by a fever, followed by an attempt at a good night’s sleep, followed by my attempt at being a corporate martyr (going to work sick to show everyone how really important I feel my work is), followed by the realization that I’d better go to a doctor because something wasn’t right.

I have a problem.

My check in at Oakwood hospital wasn’t too painful for 10am on a Monday morning, so as I wandered up, told them my side hurt and that I’d run a fever, they told me to sit down and I’d get “checked out”.  About 20 minutes later I was admitted into emergency and 2 hours later (throw in a CT, multiple abdominal X-rays and my first litre of saline) I was told that I have a “problem”.  Sparing my readership any more detail, the short story…my digestive system has some minor flaws and one of those minor flaws got infected and as the hospital staff said to me earlier in the day…

I have a problem.

The ER team admitted me for more tests, set up visits with a GI specialist and my primary care doctor and I got the joy of experiencing “hospital life” for a few days.  Needless to say, I always get a bit edgy in or even around hospitals (they smell funny) and they are filled with routine sickness and life altering illness, so if you are anything like me and enjoy the study of human behaviour, this place has one positive; it totally destroys airports from the people watching angle.

I have a problem.

As you all know, I’ve spent the last few years paying off debt, working a stressful career, managing kid’s activities and trying my best at being a husband.  Most recently, I’ve been wavering on my commitment to run every day and my diet hasn’t been stellar, so on Tuesday night, as the doctors gave me my bed time pep-talk…”Once upon a time there was a dude who needs to eat more fruits and less processed foods”, which concluded with a few final points related to the importance of a healthy diet and the need for 8 hours of sleep every night, I politely thanked them for the time and then I sarcastically laughed, under my breath, because “they” just don’t know how many “problems” I have, do they?  You know…I have three busy kids, work, parents, in-laws, a house and all of the problems that come with a hectic life, so add this stomach issue to the list and I’ll do my best to eat more fruits and veggies doc, but come on…

I have a problem.

Because my pain and fever hung around until late Tuesday I hadn’t been able to do much more than sleep.  I’m reading Ayn Rand’s, Atlas Shrugged, and if you don’t know the book, it is 1200+ pages, printed in 4 font and filled with really deep sociological, psychological and philosophical ideas, so you have to really focus in on the story line and what you’re reading.  I tried to read Tuesday night, but after my Doctor’s pep talk/bed time story, I could only squeeze in a few pages before my eyes starting to fog over and I tried to sleep, but wasn’t sleeping well with tubes jammed in my arms, so I took the more natural option, I listened to Oakwood hospital’s evening soundtrack.  Track 1-Gagging sounds, Track 2-the splash of vomiting, Track 3 (my personal favorite) - crying (patients and visitors accompanied by subtle moaning) and the final track; Track 4- routine staff visits for blood pressure readings, needle sticks, IV bag changes and bathroom cleanings.

 I have a problem.

It was late, I wasn’t sleeping and I over-heard my roommate talking to someone on the phone.  After he hung up  I thought I’d be polite and introduce myself, which I did and soon after the introductions, the curtain dividing our hospital beds peeled back to reveal an old man with a charismatic smile and I received his personal trade mark greeting…”how ya doin’ buddy”?  Our dialogue continued for the next two days and I learned more about his battle against cancer and I started to learn what a true “problem” is (my diverticulitis isn’t all that bad).  My roommate started his battle two and a half years ago (lung cancer).  After tackling that “problem” he had to battle brain cancer and his most recent battle is with a tumor that has conveniently lodged itself between his shoulder blades and is connected to his spine (which has severed his ability to walk).  He received pain meds every 2 hours, had 2am MRI visits and had to have a team of nurses regularly change his bed pans for him, but ironically, he seemed accepting of his situation.  All the while, this old man, who I pegged between 75 & 80 years old, shared with me that he was a 57 year old father and husband from Monroe and EVERY time someone walked into the room, his same smile and conversational ice breaker was released…”how ya doin’ buddy”?

I DON’T have a problem.

My point here is simple.  There is a drastic difference between problems and inconveniences.  I watched lots of people this week with real problems and I witness, every day, more and more people experiencing inconveniences (kid’s activities, work to do, birthday parties to attend, damage to a house, a flat tire) and thinking they are problems.  I am guilty of confusing the two, but when I reflect back, my medical inconvenience is something I can control, my stay at the hospital was filled with visits from my family and I have people assisting with my work load, so I can rest and get some health back into my life.  Each night my wife and children smiled at me and gave me hugs and kisses to say good bye, so I could get back into my room and get some sleep.  My roommate has been in a hospital for 2.5 months and he didn’t once talk about any “problems”.  As I returned to my room each night from a walk around the halls of the hospital and my family had gone home, I was greeted by a man who delivered another smile, one last, “how ya doin’” and then the curtains were drawn until the next morning.

I have an inconvenience.

If you are experiencing some challenges in life and they feel like problems, please re-assess them and if they are inconveniences, know they are going to pass and be thankful that they aren’t the true problems we might make them out to be.  For those of you with genuine “problems”, like my new friend from the hospital room, my thoughts and prayers go out to you and I will always appreciate another opportunity to learn from the curve balls life will throw at us.

And yes…I promise to eat more fruits and veggies, I’ll continue my running and I will stay focused on my health, so my current “inconvenience” doesn’t become a bigger problem.

Tape it together...trust me, it works!

I woke up at 730 this morning to the sound of two boys and their miserable attempt at being “quiet”.  They should receive an A for effort, but we’ll have to work on the definition of “whispering” because I’m positive that the neighbors on either side of my house heard their early morning debate about whether to play catch in the front yard, what they’ll have for breakfast or when it was appropriate to run wild through the neighborhood. I tried to keep calm, while steadfast in my attempt to quiet them down, because if they wake the morning tornado (my daughter and their mother), only God knows what kind of wrath they might be exposed to.

After the boys were gently nudged to the main floor of the house I went to my office room and visited my blog site for the first time since February.  Per usual, life has been a bit crazy for the last few months (always is for us in January-March), so I began the process of changing the look and feel of the site (hope you like it), while my boys were downstairs and the “morning tornado” was sleeping, peacefully.  With a little bit of quiet time, I resumed doing something that I typically do every Sunday morning…I began to reflect on life.

I started to think back to decisions I’ve made, how they’ve shaped me, how I’ve found more balance in life and how I continue to learn new things about my behaviours and of those lives around me who I live and work with each day.  I’ve already mentioned that the last two months have been hectic for Deena and for me.  Like too many families, we both work full time and we have 2 Cub Scouts, 1 hockey player, 1 choir and chess prodigy and my 5 year old daughter (who is creeping up on 26).  We tend to catch funny looks from people regarding the noticeable chaos we fight through, but like my colleagues at work, I have my own family “busy season”, and we are coming out of it and I’m learning to accept it as an annual event.  Over the next two months, summer will take hold, school will be out, life will slow a bit and the world will give us a chance to recharge.

Let’s get back to that early morning reflection.  With all I have going on, the only thing that popped into my head was my car and what a sweet metaphor it was to my existing lifestyle.  As a backdrop…and in an effort to stay fiscally responsible, I bought my first used car in November.  This 2003 Ford Focus is a “gem” and as I went down the “green” path for my wife; it takes 2 weeks to burn off a tank of gas and although I resemble Fred Flintstone when jammed into the driver seat, it serves my purpose of getting to and from downtown Detroit and I don’t have a car payment, so fiscal responsibility continues.

The previous owner, friends of our family, backed this car into their garage while pulling out one day and ripped the rear view mirror from its housing.  This little cosmetic challenge, didn’t prevent me from buying the car (hell, it adds some solid battle character to the whole idea of “used car”) and without much free time in my life, I’ve continued to drive around town with the mirror “taped” together (go ahead, insert the theme song from Sanford & Son).

How did my car help me reflect?  My car made me think about my life feels like it’s being “taped” together too and no matter how busy we are or how busy we’ll continue to feel…I have to live by the philosophy of “Tuesday will follow Monday”, which is my little way of saying that life will continue roll on and everything will work itself out.  I laughed out loud about how funny my car must look, just as my life does.

In the end, though, as I’ve worked to tape my car together and my wife and I have worked to tape our family’s lives together, we make it through just fine and everyone is smiling (most of the time).  I know the time will come where things slow down and I’ll probably miss the chaos, but until then, we’ll catch our breath and off we go.

This quick little read is an homage to all families, today, who have too many items on their “to-do” list, too many places to be, too many practices to attend and too few hours in the day to get it all accomplished.  Before you put too much pressure on yourselves, do what Deena and I have done; use duck tape.  And oh yeah, if duck tape doesn’t work- buy aluminium tape, it is really strong and it looks sweet as a side view mirror housing too.

True North- Chapter 9: The End (9 months of "life" on 1 page)

I am a believer that everyone on this planet has 3 critical elements to their “being” and these elements are; mental, physical and spiritual.  It is also my belief that it is quite rare to find the person who has achieved a harmony or balance with each of these critical life elements.  In early 2011 I set out to learn a bit about the mental component of my life, an internal psychology experiment of sorts, which drove me to explore thoughts, actions, behaviours, fears, challenges and frustrations, so at the end of 9 months of writing, I was able to condense each month into a theme and then streamline those themes into articles that precede this post.  Eight valuable life lessons that I hope to pass to my children and lessons that I hope you enjoyed reading over the last two months too. I discovered something through this exercise that I now refer to as my “true north”, which is the internal compass that guides me through life.  Although it isn’t a compass in the traditional sense of the word, it is a compass based around feelings and intuition and something that you have to look inward to find.  Each of us will have our own bearings and our own direction in life, so I learned that “true north”, for me, motivates my soul and keeps me pushing through the challenges in life, helps to navigate my relationships and enables me to create impact on those around me (sometimes for the good and if I’m not careful, for the bad too).

I am closing my first “blog” book with a summary of last year's monthly themes and I’ve recently started journaling on a new topic, so I can begin sharing my experiences with the second “critical element” of my life, the physical.  I’m turning 40 in November and I want to work on finding ways to become sustainably healthy and to better manage the physical elements of my life, so I can prep myself for another 40 or 50 years on this planet (God willing).

To my kids…I hope you enjoy reading these lessons and I hope that I’m able to put these same lessons in motion more frequently in my own life too.

Chapter 1- Where it all comes from: For years I have been hyper-emotional and have been willing and able to show and share thoughts and introspection more comfortably than most people.  It hit me in April of 2011 that hiding from this willingness to share feelings shouldn’t be accepted, so I decided to become even more open about my life experiences and I began using this “gift” to help other people become more comfortable with sharing (authentically) what they learn and experience while travelling through life.

Chapter 2- There’s a creature in the basement: Don’t enable fear to paralyze you from accomplishing something you have set out to accomplish in life.  Expect situations, through life, that will create a fearful response and learn enough about yourself to be able to anticipate when those situations will “pop up” and be willing to continue pushing through life regardless of what comes at you.  If you let fear paralyze you, you’ll struggle more than necessary.

Chapter 3- Everyone’s a genius: Our society puts labels on everyone and everything.  We all learn at a different pace and in very different styles.  Some of us are masters at the mechanical and others in the theoretical, so learn to appreciate the genius inside of you and don’t let others define what that genius is.  You define it (by listening to your internal voice and acting on those things that inspire and motivate you every day). And if I jump down your throat about choices you make in the future, please remind me to read my own writing.

Chapter 4- Stand up and applaud: As we age (and gain more adult responsibility) I noticed I tend to forget to appreciate the little, miraculous, occurrences that happen all around us.  We should “stand up” and applaud more often instead of looking down life’s road with frustration about what we might not have.  Yes.  I’m telling you to appreciate a sun set, the sound of rain, snowfall, the roof over your head, the food in your home.  Those are things worth applauding.  Don’t let the rest of the world convince you that money, titles, cars, status and “things” are worth praise.

Chapter 5- Don’t wait for the “right” time to do something:  Don’t procrastinate.  If you want to accomplish something, plan for it and go after it.  It doesn’t help to expect time or other people to take care of our lives, we need to live our lives, appreciate our lives and respect that we have a finite amount of time on this planet.  If you don’t like a job (move on), if you want to visit another country (book the travel), if you see someone in need (help them) and…if your family is close to you (spend time with them).  Live your life with purpose.

Chapter 6- This stuff can kill you:  Please don’t let the act of impressing other people, seeking the attention of other people or looking for approval from anyone else create stress in your life.  This has been one of the most challenging aspects of my short life and I’m growing more certain that the stress created by hoping, chasing and seeking other people’s approval will lead to an early death (of sorts).  Instead, be free to acknowledge learning curves, grow comfortable saying “I don’t know” and be willing to find and learn the answers to questions you might not know.

Chapter 7- A one way street:  When it comes to interacting with other people.  Love and respect people unconditionally.  If you are willing to spend more time concerned about loving people versus correcting or fixing people, you’ll generate some really positive energy for all of those you come in contact with.  Loving and caring should be something that we, as people, do without the expectation of receiving in return.  If all of us do this, it would be a pretty comfortable world to live in (and I bet we’d end up receiving more in return that we thought we might).

Chapter 8 – Patience and Persistence:  Probably the simplest lesson I learned over the last year.  People, who exhibit patience and persistence, tend to be well balanced, comfortable and accomplished in life.  Trust me and anyone else who tells you…life will throw enough at you that it can’t hurt to be willing to show patience through life and anytime you want to accomplish something, persistence comes in real handy too.

The End…

True North-Chapter 8: Persistence & Patience saved my...

Let's pretend, for just a minute, that we are able to flash forward to January 2030.  I'll be 57, my wife 56 and my kids will be...27, 25 & 22. It's hard to believe that I'll ever get to that time in life, but it's also hard for me to digest that I bought my first mini-van 8 years ago (don't kid yourself, I still look "solid" driving the mighty Town & Country), so I'm accepting that life will continue to motor on at a feverish pace (just like our parents and grandparents said it would).

I was married at 25, so it's also not much of a stretch to think that my children could be prepping for their marriages in or around the 2030 time frame (Jillian- please wait until you're at least 30 to get married…thank you for your consideration with this matter) and in the spirit of thinking ahead 18 years, I would like to share a lesson about marriage with my kids, which surfaced during my most recent re-read of the 2011 journal.

I hate to consider what the divorce rate is going to be in 2030, knowing that, in 2012, more than 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce.  As I read some passages from 2011, I noticed a regular theme about how my life, my introspection, my career and my decisions impact my wife, Deena.  For those who don't know us as a couple, my wife and I are very different people.  I am impulsive, she drags feet on decisions, she is meticulous, and I tend to rush through things.  I'm 20 minutes early to most events; she is not early to any event...

In short; we are very different people (opposites in a number of areas) except for one; our persistence as a couple and our common belief in the life goals each of us has set for the future.  In addition to those important pieces are the shared passions for relationships with people and the willingness to fight to keep each other on track as it relates to our life goals.

If I had to tell my children what to look for in a spouse...a matching level of persistence toward achieving goals coupled with a shared patience for the time you'll spend while getting to those life goals are two traits that can help when you decide to spend your life with someone.  Additionally, finding someone who can compliment you, which I have done, has been instrumental in keeping me sane (and...I won't lie; being patient comes in handy again when the act of "complimenting" one another, which is really a code word for the act of passionately disagreeing with your spouse, presents itself).  Continuing down the path of sharing too much information for my wife's comfort (why stop now, she's already going to be frustrated that she is the focal point of this article)... I also forgot to mention that I like to share feelings and emotions with the entire world and she doesn't quite feel the same way.  As our marriage unfolded, we had NO clue as to the situations we were going to find ourselves in later in life.  After 16 years together, Deena and I have lived, first hand, almost everything a couple could see (financial strain, birth defects and repair surgeries for one of our children, tough career choices, poor parenting decisions, taking each other for granted and all of the other good, bad and indifferent choices that can strain a marriage).

Why do I include this information in my "life lessons" project?  I'm sharing this information because I received some news from a group who Deena and I have been working with since the crescendo of our "2008 financial challenges" and the information I received made my soul smile for the first time in 4 years.  In lieu of going "belly up & bankrupt" in 2008, I've already written about the decision Deena and I made to repay a significant sum of money, which was debt tied to a futile attempt at becoming SE Michigan's next real estate baron.  The repay decision, which was scheduled to be paid, monthly, for 5 years…put more than a little strain on our personal financial situation (and our lives together).  Deena was patient as I moved careers to protect the income we needed to meet our agreed upon obligations, we supported each other as our life style had to drastically adjust and the two of us were forced to learn, quickly, what it was like to really become "adults".  You've read about my education through this process (forced humility and an increased appreciation for what life has to offer sans the material things in life) and, finally, what I haven't written enough about is the level of appreciation I should express to my wife for the way she handled this experience with me.  She was the definition of patient and persistent as we worked to manage the life changes and the stress that inherently came along.  No drama intended with this next statement, but she could have left...I could have left...instead; we chose to stick around and keep fighting.  Back to the information I received…I was notified that in 45 days we will have repaid the last of our obligations and we'll have cleared one of the largest obstacles encountered in our married lives.  I'm sure we'll have other obstacles to deal with in the future, but this 4 year experience (we repaid ahead of the program by a year) has taught me the importance of patience and persistence and it gave me a whole new appreciation for "balanced" decisions.  To my children...I hope you can learn from my mistakes and won't have to learn them on your own, but in case you opt for the option your Dad typically takes (touching the stove himself to learn that it really is hot), when you are faced with adversity...please remember to be patient, to be persistent toward your end goal and to stick around and fight for those goals you've set for yourself.

The end result is a satisfaction that words can't describe.

True North-Chapter 7: Maybe it should be a one-way street

If you know me, you’ll appreciate that ideas are typically not in “short supply” because I love to think and think and think.  Eventually, something I think about or talk about will make enough sense to put down on paper. In December, I thought about pulling all of my major themes/discoveries from the last year into a 10 chapter collection (9 life lessons and a summary chapter) that focused on the experiences I had in 2011.  As I finished the 6^th chapter I felt comfortable with where I was headed and I began the process of visualizing what these chapters were going to look like in book form.  See, I’m going to self-publish these life lessons into a coffee table book with some pictures of the family and I’ll be sharing the book with the kids, hoping they enjoy learning from their Dad’s life exposure. 

I guess the biggest challenge has been trying to keep my articles “fresh” while the underlying tones and themes of my journal have been a bunch of repetitive topics.  As I read from April-September/October (again), I became more and more frustrated by the writing process and I couldn’t get a grip on something that really felt like a good experience to share.  This is where I typically start to force my writing and the reason I can start typing at7amand have to continue the re-write process at10pm.  I continued to peruse my journal from the last year, in search of an elusive “nugget o’ wisdom” and as I laid the journal down, my pen happened to land in the fold of the journal and ironically highlighted a passage that I had forgotten about.  Bingo, we have a topic, so…off to another week of pontificating with LT Furlow.

Generosity (and the aspiration to have more of it in life) is a theme which is peppered throughout my journal.  I wrote, last week, about how important it can be for people to learn to appreciate life through self awareness and the art of being focused on decisions from one’s core; not motivated or inspired by other’s opinions or judgement, so this week I’d like to take that one step farther and a bit deeper too.

Here is what my pen landed on: I hope my children will learn to love unilaterally.  Now, this will probably spark some comments about the negativity associated with loving out and never learning how to accept love, but that’s not what I mean and it is not my point or intention for my kids either.  The concept is deeper than that.  I’m not going to try and raise martyrs, I promise.  The definition of loving unilaterally, in my opinion is a “one-way” street of sorts, right?  Bear with me here.  I want my kids to learn that loving, showing generosity, caring and showing concern for people generates power and energy, especially when they don’t “expect” anything back in return (it’s the not expecting anything in return that defines my one-way street) and I think is the most self-less form of love.  If they can learn to love, respect, appreciate and show compassion (regardless of the situation they may be facing in life), I think they’ll be OK.  Too many times (and especially in the last year) I have noticed journal entries that led me to the conclusion that I’ve experienced frustration with certain people in my life because I had the “expectation” that I did something nice for you, so YOU now do something nice for me. I realized that I wasn’t or hadn’t shown love or appreciation to certain people, places or experiences for the purpose of making others feel loved.  Quite the contrary, I was showing love and offering of myself in order to get something in return and that’s not fair to do to people.    

From my journal in September:

“I haven’t been good at the whole “loving unilaterally” thing…and this might be where some of my frustration with life comes from.  I’m going to try to focus on loving unilaterally, without the hidden “strings” of expectation.”

I’m not going to claim that I have some how mastered the ability to love or do kind things without anything back in return, but since my discovery in September and my rehashing of the point today, I’m going to work harder at achieving the ability to do this.  The lesson for my kids and for any of my readers is the hope that we explore what it’s like to really offer of ourselves, to truly love the people around us and to fully love and engage with our careers, acts of generosity in our communities without expecting anything back in return.  In order to do this, we’ll need to be comfortable with whom we are as people and it will help to know our personal “True North”.  Once done, I think the experiences we will generate in life will be outstanding and would be rooted in an incredibly positive space.

Wrap your arms around what it would be like if everyone you knew was hyper concerned about pushing out love, care, generosity and concern for others.  It would be a pretty cool place (tee up John Lennon’s Imagine as background music right now and I’m sure you’d have a dramatic moment). 

As utopian as it might sound…I guess it’s worth the try.  I’ve been “the nice guy” all of my life, so why not work harder at spreading some of that around.

True North: Chapter 6- Be Careful...this stuff could kill you!

I started my new internal transfer (HR Manager) this week and had two major projects to facilitate by Friday, January 6^th at5pm.  These projects created a couple of7am-9pm days (not what you’d like to deal with coming off of a long holiday break) and yes, they added a little extra stress to my life, but in the end…it all worked out. Ironically, I LOVED the pace and the little injection of stress that these projects created.  I’ve always had a bit of an addictive personality, so whether it’s food intake, exercise frequency, alcohol consumption, and hours at work or involvement with the kids, I tend to live by the mantra of ALL or NOTHING.  This “mantra” hasn’t been all that easy to manage through life, but it has made me interesting to party with, work with, train with and to break bread with.  I know that choosing more balanced behaviours and working to live a more moderate blue print would make more sense, so I continue to work toward ways that will create my “how to” list with respect to the various aspects of life mentioned above.  My personal struggles with imbalance led me to acknowledge that “balance” in all of the above mentioned areas of life will be critical for physical and mental well being, but I’ve also learned that balance is harder to grab a hold of in our times.  As I continue exploring a more balanced set of life choices, I enjoyed reflecting on how and why stress appeared to fuel me this passed week.  As I already mentioned, what I found oddly comforting is that I think I’ve been craving a jolt of stress and I want to know why and most importantly, I’d like to break my craving for that thing we call stress.  Yes, the pressure of the projects made me push a bit harder and I felt more engaged, but something didn’t feel right.

The eerie feeling I’m looking to curb has its genesis in a pretty disappointing place.  If I was putting in the extra hours to benefit other people or to make the lives I come in contact with better, then I’d feel more comfortable with why the stress was in my life, but I didn’t deliver these projects for those reasons.   I delivered these projects, as I do with most projects, so other people would think highly of me, plain and simple.  Why this bothers me is due to the frequency that I experience these feelings and the long list of other people who I witness, on a daily basis, living through the same damn challenges (only most of them won’t admit it, yet).  Most of the people I know who put in the long hours, earn the big money, deliver the top produce aren’t doing it for their own pleasure; they seem to be doing it to please or earn the support of a parent, a boss, a friend or a co-worker.  This is why I titled the 6^th chapter of this project; “This will kill...”  First, putting the word kill in any title will generate a few more hits, but in all seriousness, the way stress can hurt is real (we’ve all heard about people who fall over dead from a heart attack at 45 because of long hours, poor diet, limited exercise of the mind or body).  Long runs of stress (especially stress induced for the approval of others) might not physically kill you, but it sure as hell will help kill a person’s spirit.  Stress rooted in the appreciation or approval of other people is beginning to show its head earlier and earlier in life too.  I have some good friends who have daughters that are sweet and adorable kids.  Both are bright, creative, polite and genuinely kind, so I found it sadly hilarious that their mom, Jean, threw a comment out on Facebook this weekend about their 7 year-old, Lily, saying over dinner…”Mom, you know, people just need a little more balance in life!”  When I read the quote, I had to call them and talk to this 7 year old “philosopher in training” to get her perspective on balance and when I connected with them, I was able to hear from Lily and her nine year old sister, Emily, about their perspectives on life balance.  We talked about school, friends, practicing recorders at recess, and a number of other perspectives that only 7 and 9 year old kids could come up with.  In short, the fact that these two “little ones” even understand the concept supports that our society is continuing to move way too fast (and won’t be sustainable) and I think that both of these kids are probably experiencing some early stress in the hopes of earning the approval of people in their lives too.

In theory (and in the perfect world), there shouldn’t be any stress in life.  Please hear me out as I jump on the “philosophical soap box”.  If we wake every morning and are with the people we love, go to a place that helps make the world stronger (call that the career) and we spend some time ensuring that the people in our lives are learning and growing with us and around us, then I would imagine stress would be relatively minimal.  If I told people every day how much they meant to me and how much I loved and cared for them, then when they “died” from this world, I don’t think I would have the same level of stress and sadness that I might experience if I lost someone who I kept a distance from.  If I lived, every day, with the thought of exercising my body, feeding my body and soul with healthy inputs and resting when I needed rest, then I would achieve the physical balance needed to eliminate those dreaded stress headaches, stomach pains and anxiety that so many of us have each day in this country.

And most importantly…If I didn’t focus on what other people were thinking and saying and could change my thoughts to be focused on living and learning from the experiences I’m given, then life should become more experiential and less mundane and repetitive (as I hear it described by so many).  You know the spiel, “What’s up? Uh, you know, the same old &^%$, just a different day.  I have this exchange with two or three people per day, so there must be some validity in what I’m writing.

It sounds so easy and utopian to adjust life and wouldn’t it be an amazing flip of ideology to begin living for experiences, for learning, for the ability to share with others and to lead a more simple life?  Try it.  Whether you are 7, 9, 39 or 92…try living for you and try making decisions for you that will benefit others, not decisions coaxed by others that just make you stressed and frustrated.  When you truly make decisions for you, your energy will be that much more positive and you’ll be able to naturally help others around you.  You have all read my articles and know that I’m open to admitting that I have lived too long seeking the approval of others, but I’m also admitting that I have inadvertently conditioned my kids to start living for my approval, Emily and Lily are probably doing the same with their friends and family and hell, my 92 year old Grandmother even alluded to living her life for the approval of others (at breakfast yesterday) and those people she alluded to have all been gone for decades.

I know I’m not bringing up the next great psychological epiphany here, but something I have immense passion around is sharing these feelings (because others are struggling with this too), so be brave and admit if you live this way and work to change it.  It may sound inherently selfish to live for you, but I challenge you to begin experiencing and believing how truly connected you can become to the positive spirit and energy that all of us have when you turn those projects at work, the recorder practice at recess or the better diet we all want to eat to be about us, so we can help others.  When we start doing more of this, I think we’ll feel less and less of that stress that plagues so many.

True North-Chapter 5: Life needs GPS

What does true north mean to you? True north is a term used by mariners, hikers & outdoorsmen alike.  It is typically referenced when discussing the difference between magnetic north (the earth’s natural magnetic pull and its effect on a compass) and true north, which is the place you might be navigating toward (which typically varies a few degrees away from magnetic north) depending on where you are standing on our planet.  Yes, a compass will guide you to magnetic north, but finding true north creates the need for a little extra work.  That’s why I call these first 5 chapters (and the 5 that follow), my True North project.  It’s my recap of the efforts to find the true direction I believe I am to head in life and my ability to deal with the challenges that will inevitably be presented.  My writing project has helped me realize that I had never authentically set any personal bearing in life.  In short, I was a bit lost and over the last year every month that passed presented a more uncomfortable feeling.  There were times of frustration, sadness and some downright scary emotional places.  This exercise drove me to experience what some might call a depression of sorts, always questioning if what I was doing was the “right” thing, staying focused too heavily on what other people in my life were concerned with and all of this thinking and analyzing took a toll on my psyche.  In the end, though, it has taught me more than I could have hoped for. 

I have an “internal compass” of sorts and I believe you all have one too.  Some call it intuition or gut feelings, but I refer to it as true north because I recognize that part of life is learning how to get back on course when life naturally veers you off course.  I’m not trying to suggest that once you find your “path” in life that all will work out and you’ll waltz through this journey.  On the contrary, I’m learning that the nasty, frustrating and down right shitty parts of life are what make the rest of it so freaking beautiful.  I’m expecting to feel lost and as I’ve defined what true north means to me, so I’m beginning to feel more prepared with how to deal with challenges.  Learning along the way has been a tremendous exercise too and when I do experience challenges and push through them, life’s experiences are that much more rewarding.  I’ve also learned that If you don’t have an internal agreement with yourself regarding a mental place of balance, integrity, strength, passion and vision I believe you’ll continue to feel lost, so please spend some time each day and reflect on the areas of life that make you smile, that challenge you, that make you want to get out of the bed in the morning and these are your true north principles.

I was conditioned to believe that one can’t put his or her “passions” into life holistically.  I believed that you needed to have passion for work and then some different passion for family and then for working out, so as I defined my true north, I realized that I was inventing a way to meld my guiding principles into my daily life and instead of having to find different passions for different aspects of life, I’m taking my life’s passions and am applying them more regularly to living each day.  That subtle change is creating a positive ripple with work, parenting, marriage, etc. The performance and enjoyment of my career is simply a by-product of a decision to live more authentically around that over referenced “true north” set of principles.  When I set my principles (effort around being more compassionate, being a coach to those around me and having a calm demeanour with people I come in contact with daily), I felt better.  In late October of 2011 I began “flipping the tables” on my old thinking and have begun to live a truer north existence and my life is reaping the benefits.  I had been sitting and waiting for various aspects of my life to give me opportunity and I appreciate that while I wait, time passes and I don’t want to get caught standing still. 

I urge you to work to define your true north and when you realize that it isn’t a place; it is a set of personal values, interests and energy generating passions then you can begin to apply your principles to the various aspects of life and I think you’ll see a more engaging path.  Remember, the fun of life isn’t getting some where; it’s keeping your eyes wide open as you travel through it.

Chapter 4: Stand up and applaud...

Kids appreciate the little things in life so much better (and more often) than adults do.  Classic example, I was at church on Christmas Eve and during a very poetic and specific moment of the mass, a time in the Catholic tradition where the entire church would normally be “pin drop” silent, a 2-3 year old little boy opted to STAND on the kneeler (as the priest closed one of his prayers) and he screamed ALRIGHT (followed by intense clapping), which made the Mother crap herself, a few bitter old Catholics look back in horror and I couldn’t help smiling (and hysterically laugh on the inside-because it wasn’t one of my kids this time). Why did I laugh and not get pissed…because this kid got “it”.  It was a beautiful spot in the ceremony, so why not applaud, right?  When beautiful moments strike you, I think we would all be in a better space if we were willing to acknowledge that beauty.  I don’t care if it is during a mass, watching a sunset, seeing snow fall for the first time of the season or watching your children sleep.  These examples are present, regularly, in our daily lives and when is the last time you stood up and gave a standing-O for any one of them?  I know that I take them for granted and I’m sure you do too.  The pace of my job has picked up in the last year, Deena still works insane hours and we juggle the three kids, so I have every freaking excuse under the sun as to why I might not applaud my kids sleeping faces (reality: I’m not running the risk of waking those crazy maniacs up after a long day, but I’ll applaud on the inside more often, I promise).  Like most parents, I’m exhausted and need some peace and quiet, but I see so many beautiful things daily and I have chosen to not recognize them.  I see the sunrise, daily, on my way to work (I opt to bitch about the sun being in my eyes as I drive east opposed to applauding) and as I ate my second helping of Christmas dinner (once on Christmas Eve and again on Christmas day) I know that I did not take enough time to appreciate that I have the opportunity to eat every day and instead, I spent more time wondering if we got our Christmas cards out in time, the right presents purchased for everyone and made sure the house looked appropriate for guests (who might drop by at any time during the break).  Most of these things had nothing to do with me, but had the underlying tone of hoping others would think positively about me.  Again, not one single ovation to any of the beauty around me and I’m disappointed in myself.

I talk about it in each article (in case we have a new reader or two).  I’m using my daily writing from the last year (each day from April to December) to spark an “on line” book that is targeted at helping people remember to slow down and focus a bit on the more critical elements of life.  I hope to spark some interest in “stopping the chase” and I although I was inspired by my cheering church friend, I was equally inspired by my coach in late spring of this year.  OnMay 20, 2011, I wrote:

“My job is starting to settle down a bit and I’m making a more conscious effort to relate the work I do to a means to help others instead of the traditional grind of a “job”.  For the first time in my career and for the first time in life I’ve become more apt to appreciate what I have versus staring out into the future and being pissed about what I didn’t earn yet.  Home life has the same set of feelings tied to It and I’m realizing how important it is for happiness to be a choice, not something that I can gain by doing certain things, hanging out with certain people, reading certain books or buying certain objects.”

Now I’d be full of shit if I tried to tell you that I have located some magic cocktail that enables me to think this way ALL of the time.  I still wrestle with the “same old same old” when it comes to parenting, employment, friendships, marriage and any other aspect of life that might challenge me, but I can say that the coaching I’ve secured and the self awareness I’ve grown more comfortable with has helped me recognize when I’m getting back into my old ways. I apologize more often (when I muck something up) and I focus on catching my selfish behaviour prior to botching something up within the lives of the people I come in contact with daily.

I look at how I raise my kids and how we are our own worst critics.  God help us if our children might be the crazy ones at a dinner table.  The saddest part about this feeling is the rare time that I'm really frustrated with my kids, my frustration typically stems from fear that another parent may look down on me as a “weak parent” with rotten children.  I think people look through the same lens about their careers too.  We wonder if our children or spouses would be better off if we pushed more at work, earned even more, but ran the risk of sacrificing the only thing that really should matter on this planet; the “time” we have during this life and who we choosing to spend it with.  Instead, we work and work and for who?  Generally, I find people bust their asses to make more money as a way to cover up a void somewhere in life.  Maybe parents or friends or colleagues said you couldn’t do something, so you go HARD to prove them wrong and you make yourself miserable in the process.  Pretty silly, isn’t it?

In short, I’m nowhere near perfect and I am going to work even harder in 2012 (God willing) to focus on remembering that I get to choose whether I want to be happy or whether I want to walk the planet pissed off because I enable other people’s opinions to drive my behaviour.  I don’t want to be frustrated at things (my bank account, my business card, my house, my children’s grades or the car that I drive).

If I could have one wish granted…it would be to take that church-kid’s approach to life and react to the beauty that surrounds us so frequently.  In short, I’d like to get up and applaud more often in 2012.  I probably won’t see that little guy again any time soon, so I hope he keeps applauding at life’s wonders and that his parents are wise enough to realize that they shouldn’t be embarrassed of him, they should be proud of him.  Hell, if more of us acted the way he did, the better our lives would be in the long run.

Chapter 3: Everyone is a genius

"Everyone is a genius.  But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid" - A. Einstein I love this quote and the funny picture of Einstein riding his bike that comes with the quote (thanks to whoever posted this on Facebook). Yeah, yeah, yeah- I know it is cliché to quote Einstein, but when you read the quote and let it marinate for a minute, I think you'll understand why I enjoy it so much.

As I look back over the last year of my life it continues to amaze me how I struggle to so plainly see the mistakes I repeat and even more disturbing is recognizing that I might be the fish who is being asked (and judged) by my ability to climb a tree.  Here is a journal entry fromMay 2, 2011:

When people ask me what I do for a living, I struggle to answer.  What I’d like to say is…I’m a guy who works to make the world a more balanced place.  I give structure to fathers who lack it and enable more families to spend time together.  I write, speak and coach about topics that other fathers use to “decompress” and awaken to the fact that we aren’t here solely for work.  Although we may have been conditioned to be ‘absent’ in order to focus on earning money for our families, we are being trapped into believing that work is the benchmark for defining our lives and if we aren’t careful, we’ll expect our children to mimic our lives and define themselves by the job they have, the hours they’ve worked and the W-2 they produce.

I don't think this feeling is foreign to the majority of people who would read this article and I’m confident that we've all struggled with feeling like the “fish out of water” with respect to some aspect of life; work, a new relationship, a new school, a new job and the list could go on and on.  For the last 16 years I have been working in a business that requires a strong knowledge of human behaviour and a business that demands a knack for anticipating how people will react during stressful and anxiety filled times.  Suffice it to say, I feel very comfortable with identifying other people's problems, am getting better at identifying my own, and am still well below average when it comes to learning from the struggles I live every day and finding ways to apply them to the management of my own life.

So back to Einstein’s "fish" quote...I'm married to a teacher, am the son of a teacher, have a brother who is a teacher and both of my sisters-in-law are teachers, so I have the opportunity to listen to each of them talk through their educational styles and we openly discuss how challenging it can be to educate in a "one style fits all" methodology.  It doesn’t take heavy research to recognize that we have a systemic challenge when it comes to educating and some of this challenge fosters people feeling “stupid” when in fact they are truly geniuses (fish) being asked to climb the proverbial tree.  Think about how we begin our formal education.  We meander through elementary and middle school, get more focused in high school and then we get the first real "tests" that help define us (SAT & ACT).  We take those test scores, compare and contrast them with that funny thing called a GPA and this becomes the first major indicator of our initial genius factor, right?  In short, we begin to sort the masses into one of two piles; the "going to make it" pile or the "might not be that bright" pile. 

Yes, I know that we aren't quite that cold as a society, but it isn't that far off.  I have friends who were told they weren't going to cut it, maybe they shouldn't pursue college and the assembly line was going to be a good spot for the remainder of their working days (all because of 1 or 2 learning measures) and conversely, I had friends who were labelled the "bright ones", the kids who really knew how to learn and the ones who were going to be our nation's next generation of leaders (again, all because of 1 or 2 learning measures).  I'm sure it wouldn't shock you to know that plenty of these kids who were told to "hit the assembly line" now successfully run profitable businesses and manage organizations in the Fortune 500 and there were kids who were defined as “the bright ones” who are now leading from a bar stool wondering where life went.

In both scenarios, did these young men and women get judged by how well they could "climb a tree" when their real gift might have been swimming like a fish?  As we migrate into our work lives, the same archaic talent management process repeats itself.  There are certain people who just "get it" when it comes to new challenges, new projects and new responsibilities.  These people seem to have a natural gift for managing the ebb and flow of the business world and their counterparts are the people who need to have their hands held a bit.  They need some more pointed coaching, education and if this is afforded, they'll perform (sometimes outperform) the folks who ‘naturally’ learn.  I think we, as business leaders, tend to forget how critical it is to recognize how people learn (auditory, experiential, visual...) and how to align their natural skills to the organization, projects or tasks they might be asked to support. 

Einstein's quote, when applied to how we interact and educate each other through life, could help reduce anxiety and should significantly elevate the engagement of people relative to their personal and professional lives.  I look back on the times I’ve been the most engaged, the most energized and the most productive and it’s when I’m using my natural talents.  This helps foster drive and passion and I’m sure Einstein knew that there were areas even he wasn’t meant to spend time on.  Each one of us can find our natural talents if we have the self awareness to define our strengths and the courage to teach and the humility to ask for help and the willingness to learn from those around us.

We all have genius inside us, so don’t let one task define who you are or how well you can perform in life.

Chapter 2: Is there a creature living in your basement?

In case you missed the last entry, my writing comes from a place that requires openness and honesty (and a little bit of craziness).  It comes from a place that is a bit scary, in that, I’m sharing struggles, self defined failures and some successes to entice other people to begin sharing their challenges too, with the ultimate realization that all of us have similar struggles (whether it be with relationships, work, parenting, or whatever else life might throw at you).  This place of introspection has been good for me and challenging, but that’s the fun of it.  I like situations that have a pinch of chaos and I think a little chaos is good for us.  I’m conducting my own analysis on life and re-reading a journal I’ve been writing in for the last 9 months, so I can take some of my experiences and share them with the hope that I’d spark conversations, offer help, or at least a good laugh to anyone going through similar. Thematically, my life has more fear than I’d like to admit.  This fear was more difficult to deal with when I thought I was alone in these thoughts, but I’m observing more and more that most people are living in a similar state of fear.  Yes, this is a topic I wrote about in months passed and it’s a topic that I’ll continue to write about because I’m passionate about it.  It’s an interesting experience (being scared or fearful) and we live with it most of our lives.  Alright, here’s an example; flash back to your childhood for a minute…Mom or Dad screams for you to run to the basement and get something from the freezer or maybe you have to get clothes from the dryer, but nonetheless, off you tromp to the “dark, quiet and eerie” basement.

As you step into the basement, you rationalize with yourself that nothing lives in your basement.  At least nothing that should be able to eat, gnaw or nibble on you- but all of those movies, stories and books you’ve experienced begin to push a bit of adrenaline into your veins and you realize that you are “scared” of that dark nasty basement.  Oh well, you can push through it, right?  You run into the basement, grab whatever you need and then turn to run up the stairs and back to the light and freedom of the first floor of your house.  And what do you do?  I can tell you what you don’t do… for the love of God, you don’t look over your shoulder because that creature that lives in the basement will be standing right behind you on the steps, right?  You bolt, like lighting, up to safety and what happens?  Your fear dissipates.  All of that drama for a freaking pair of jeans out of the dryer.  Interesting though, that kind of fear makes us active, doesn’t it?  When we get scared we either fight or flight (so say the great psychologists), and in the end…we “do” something and that action helps us move passed the fear.

That is healthy fear and I’ve been taught that there are two types of fear.  We should expect to live with some level of fear in life and the trick is to learn how to anticipate that fear, know how our bodies will react to the fear and then work out methods to “push through” or tackle those fears that present problems for us in life.  That, in my opinion, is healthy fear (like the troll who lived in my parent’s basement who chased us up the steps).  He was good people because the fear he helped to generate got us moving.

As we get older, I’ve watched my own life and have read entries from my journal that allude to a more powerful and dangerous fear.  This is a fear that paralyzes activity.  It’s the fear you might get from thinking you’ll fail at something and the fear that comes from wondering what others might “say” about your failed attempt.  With enough of that fear in your life, what happens? You stop attempting.  With respect to work- maybe you stop taking on larger projects for the “fear” of putting yourself in a situation to fail or maybe you refuse to show your true personality for fear that it might not be welcomed.

I spent the first 13 years of my career steadily progressing, earning more money, earning fancy titles and the entire time I was “struggling” daily.  Freaked out about what might happen or where I might fail and you know what I’ve learned…it held me back.  The times in life when I have acted from a genuine place and refused to show concern of outcome were some of the best and most productive projects, meetings, coaching sessions or emotional states I’ve ever been involved with.  I recognized in early April that my new role, which was supposed to be a “walk in the park” and a career move that would enable me some time to step away from the high paced stress I’d faced in my previous positions, wasn’t going to be much different than anything else I’ve faced professionally.  Our processes, national structure and challenging market were all going to require “action” and my early concern about taking a perceived “step back” might backfire (if I wasn’t successful) and I’d look like a fool.  All of this thought and fear created a paralyzing feeling, which generated anxiety.  I knew that letting emails pile in, meetings back up and not moving forward would hurt me, so I started to organize myself, created action lists and I focused on moving forward, one step at a time. 

Remember, action can remedy fear all day long and I captured a thought that verifies this onApril 11, 2011:

 “I’m getting less and less nervous about work as I realize that sometimes you just have to jump in and do something…it doesn’t pay off to plan and plan and plan, at some point, you have to “do”.  When in doubt, do something because this activity or action gives off energy of purpose and it helps with the anxiety of new tools, new people, new technology…so off I go.”

I have read hundreds of my own entries and each time there is a down turn or negativity with respect to my emotional state, it can be tied back to stagnate behaviour.  I believe this is something all of us have experienced, but few will be willing to openly admit.  Most people will pretend to be “active”, but I’m talking about being active with a purpose.  When you have a direction to go, a place to get to…it becomes very easy to map out where you’re headed, find the mechanism to get you there and GO.  But life…it doesn’t regularly show you where you are going and that’s where people get confused.  They question where they should be going, what they should be doing and all of this wonder can lead to less and less activity. 

I carry a bookmark and it has a quote from Socrates, “Wisdom begins in wonder”, which is something of a personal mantra.  The one thing I would add to his philosophical point…don’t forget to make a plan of where that wonder is going to take you and then build that mental map of how you are going to get there and finally, as a good friend of mine used to say… “Do something”, because standing around is only going to let the creature in the basement bite you on the ass.

Chapter 1: Where it comes from...

I mentioned in my last post that I’ve been writing in a journal (daily), so I could look back and capture “trends” around my thoughts and actions and potentially find ways to look a bit deeper into how I parent, how I act as a husband, brother, son and any of the other roles I have in life.  I’ve struggled, like most of us probably do, with healthy living, parenting, friendships and marriage, so I wanted to turn inward and see how interesting it might be to reflect back on a year in my life.  As I look back on this year of entries, it was, at a minimum…eye opening. Reading my journal was more challenging than I expected it to be.  This stuff isn’t easy to read because you create unfiltered thoughts while writing in a journal versus throwing something on a site like this one.  There is no editing while you journal, no deleting and definitely no “starting over”.  The words and thoughts are dumped onto a page and then they are locked away.  I write each morning and try and clear all of the thoughts, emotions, and mental states from the previous day; capturing them for future review.  The raw nature of the words can be fun to re-read, but the thought of sharing them with other people wasn’t as pleasant.  A friend from work popped into my office the other day and noticed I’d been writing and she asked what I was doing, so I shared the concept.  She immediately went for the journal and asked if she could read some of the entries and I threw her the “heisman” and pulled the journal out of her hands.

The second she touched the journal, I barked, “Not a chance” and pulled the journal back from her.  As I threw the journal into a drawer in my office, I vividly remembered all of the things I’d wrote over the last 9 months; work, marriage, parenting and my successes and failures with each.  The thought of someone else reading those thoughts made me incredibly anxious.  The articles that are posted on my site have gone through heavy editing and most of the stories are opinions of mine, but not necessarily direct stories, so sharing more of my mental gore is a bit intimidating.  I know some of my articles can be repetitive and they might not be offering enough advice or guidance, so when I reconsidered adding more of my journal’s thoughts to these articles, it was exciting because I’m planning on taking what I’ve already lived through and throw it out for the review of others (and maybe some learning & teaching will come along the way).

Overall, this is why I titled this first “chapter”, where it all comes from…

When we talk about living life, most of us aren’t comfortable with sharing all the little details like I am.  Who wants to share the things they are scared of, the areas where they feel like they fall short or the behaviours they are no longer proud of?  This, for me, is where the core of my writing comes from and I’ve been coached to no longer be afraid of sharing some of this content.  As a matter of fact, sharing the good or the bad has been a huge help for me and the honesty around life’s fears and shortcomings have enabled me to do some things differently and learn that lots of other people experience exactly what I’ve lived through.  This is where I want people to engage.  I want more discussions about the challenges in life, because we can help each other.  I believe these fears prohibit us from sharing how we feel or discussing areas we’d like to change.  These changes can be used in your professional life, your personal life, with friends or with strangers.  The amount of fear I see in people is growing and this fear is still present in my life (I’ve seen it as a trend in my journal entries).  In reality, how many of use really “share” the details of what we are feeling or why we are feeling a certain way or how an experience might make us feel?  It’s these feelings of fear or anxiety that prevent most people from being truly authentic and I witness all types of people struggle with it.

Take this journal entry fromApril 8, 2011and you’ll see what I mean; 

“Reality…I’m not a huge fan of doing what I do for a living, but without work what do we do?   I’m not overly excited about how I treat my marriage, I’m concerned about my parenting style- I’m so freaking inconsistent with the kids- and I keep looking ahead in life, you know, “what’s next”… but haven’t ever afforded myself the time to stay focused in the present, which leads me down the path of taking things for granted, wanting what other people have and it disables me from being  focused on any specific life area to really tap into the balance and positive energy I’m seeking.”

That is about as honest as I can be as it relates to how I was feeling in April of this year.  Yes, it freaks me out a bit to put some of that in writing, but I think the value in this honesty is important.  What I do for a living, the way I handle my marriage, my parenting and my daily responsibilities are in my control, aren’t they?  I had someone push me a few years ago during a coaching session and it came out that one of my personal concerns was acting and living like everything was “great” when I felt inside like I was falling apart.  I call it the “bullshit” factor (what if I’m not as smart as I think I am, what if I’m not as successful in my career as I’ve led people to believe or what if I really am a bad parent or husband?).  My internal thoughts conflicted with my external presentation and that created serious personal struggle.  Smile on the outside, anger on the inside.  As my coach listened, she simply responded with, “well…if you were “less intelligent” or “weak as a professional” or “a bad parent or husband”, wouldn’t you want to know?  

As simple the statement was, she was right.  Sharing these types of fears will help you face some of those hidden challenges.  If you do nothing else in life, please try and be honest with yourself and be willing to address those things that concern you (and include the people involved who you are comfortable with or find a coach or therapist to confide in) and be willing to adjust your behaviours if you do, in fact, want adjusting.  If you don’t like the way something is going in life, you have the ability to adjust, modify and change it. 

What I don’t recommend is continuing to hide from these fears, which I have done (as you’ll read in future posts), because it will ultimately lead to more anxiety and frustration.  And…don’t fall prey to the theory of; doing the same thing every day and expecting different results (this will only lead to insanity).  I have found that writing, talking and expressing these fears helps me locate others who have the same challenges and we can share ideas on how to better improve our situations.  Whether it’s a new career (or reinvention of the one you have), or the thought of being a more involved parent, or to be a better friend to those around you…each of these facets of life can be altered if you build a plan and focus on the change.

This is where it all comes from…my desire to share failure and challenge is rooted in the hope that others can learn the power of sharing too and maybe all of us will be better off for it.

Stop chasing and start experiencing...

As you all know, writing is something that I aspire to do full time, so I’ve been working to build content that I could share, more regularly, with the intent of helping other people recognize the curve balls life will throw at us and to be better prepared to handle those curve balls as we walk through life.  I have been writing in a journal, every day, for the last year capturing what goes on in my life (and in my head) hoping that some of my struggles, mistakes and successes could be used by others as they navigate through their journey.  I started reading some of my hand-written gems last month and realized that I have plenty of content to share and more chaos than I’d like to admit.  In reality, to write full time, I’m estimating that it will take 20,000 readers per month, so no time like the present to begin a more regular schedule of “blog posts” (I get 200-300 readers a month, so what’s another 19,000 & change, right)?  It’s time to play back 2011 and offer a synopsis of  one year in the life of one “crazy” man who worked to transform from being a serial chaser of “things” and focus on becoming more grounded in experiencing life for what it has to offer.  Some of you know my story.  Yes, I let my ego and some of my insecurities fuel certain actions in my life.  In hindsight, I grew up believing that I needed to impress other people, keep the peace with people and ensure that conflict wasn’t something that I was generating.  Don’t misunderstand me, I had a solid childhood, but what I’ve recognized is that having my own opinions wasn’t natural to me.  As I got older I realized that it was going to be necessary to have opinions and even more necessary to learn how to be humble enough to occasionally adjust the opinions you have formed.  It’s helpful when forming opinions to have some life experiences and I hadn’t really had any early in life, so it became more challenging for me to form my own.  It was immediately following my undergraduate degree that I started to pay attention to the pressures that all of us face as we begin this new phase in life and honestly, I was ill-equipped to take a stance.  The way I figure it, I’ve been able to become more cognizant of my own life choices over the last 16 years and that’s because I’ve had 16 years of climbing the corporate ladder, attending graduate school, spending to justify, buying “things” that had limited necessity or value and if life threw a curve, I fell prey to the game of blaming other people for the mistakes I had made.

As I’ve grown up a bit I have become more passionate about how contradictory our society is.  Life has some pretty comical “asks” of us…but society’s pressures take the cake.  We are taught to work hard, have a stable career, save our money, raise children and yes, we bought into the story that all of these things (your house, your title, your bank account and even your car may reflect on how well you are doing as a person).  If this continues, we are setting up too many people for a set of expectations that aren’t really theirs to begin with.  I am no longer afraid to admit that I racked up significant debt in my 20’s and 30’s, tested my relationship with my wife and flubbed a bit with my parenting skills.  It was 13 long years (1995 until 2008) before I realized and accepted that I was too tired with my life and wasn’t confident that I could keep up the façade any longer.  I needed to make a change and as anyone will tell you, cliché or not, change isn’t something that someone else will give you, you have to take responsibility and change the behaviour in question.

Back to my daily journal (thanks for the gift Mom & Dad)…I’ve been looking back and paying close attention to the triggers that put me into the negative places I’ve visited.  My wife and I committed to paying back the debt I referenced earlier and we are fast approaching the close of a 5 year program that will have us debt free.  I’m more active as a father now and I’m more physically active too.  My running, my writing and my family are priorities in my life and it has taken years for these actions to become habitual.  As I read back through passages from the last 8 months, I am beginning to believe that most of what I was experiencing was a self fulfilling prophecy and I’d bet there are others in the same boat. 

Most mornings that I wake up I tend to think about the emails that await me, the practices I have to run to with the kids, the toilet that needs a new part or the ceiling that could use a coat of paint, the car that needs a new mirror, dinner plans for the week and oh yeah, squeak in your run, read a book, write an article, save for retirement and be polite to everyone while in process.  It’s this pace that I am working to slow down and have become accepting that the pace may not change (while I have small children), so I’m working to enjoy it versus fight it.

What I learned from my introspection is this... It is painful to chase someone’s expectations under the cloak that they are your own.  I have found it more rewarding to do things based on my own principles, even if these principles run contrary to others.  My recommendation is to refrain from chasing anything.  Slow down and experience everything you can (even if it is something frustrating).  Excel at your passions, not because you think someone else might be happy with you, so those passions and your efforts can help the people you encounter daily.  Get physically active, not because it will help you lose weight, because your body and mind can become more alert and cognizant to everything around you.  And finally, something I haven’t been great at…spend time with your family and friends.  They will be gone before you expect it and what a shame it can be to waste the experiences those people bring into your life.  I hope you enjoy hearing about my 2011 and share your thoughts and I’ll look forward to your feedback.

I'm tired of starting over...

I adore change.  I like it when things shake up and I think it keeps people sharp when they have to walk that line between consistency and potential chaos.  Hell, we all know that in a moment’s notice the world could be flipped upside down on us and honestly, I don’t mind it. Let’s take work as an example.  My friends, family and colleagues know that I like a challenge and that I like to move around.  I’m not concerned by the process of seeking out new opportunities or learning a new role within an existing company.  I’ve worked for 7 companies in 16 years and I haven’t been laid off or fired, so where some people get concerned with that much change, I typically find the positive with it and learn as much as I can where ever I am .

As I creep toward my 40^th birthday (I still have a year to go, let’s not rush anything), the ability to deal with change has been a blessing and a curse.  It has enabled me to learn from different people, to experience different regions of the country, helped me push the limits of physical fitness and to explore the limits of unhealthy behaviours too (I’m a bit like Oprah in the weight gain, weigh loss category).  In short, my openness to change has served me well, but it has also supported a frustrating and repeated challenge that I want to break up with.

With change comes starting over.  One thing ends and another thing has to begin.  I’ve heard rumours that it takes 28 days of repeated behaviour to form a habit (seems painfully long to a guy who likes so much change), so I’m going to try and form one, starting tonight (told you I loved change and new beginnings).  The habit I’m working on is the habit of healthier living.  I recognize that you’ve all learned about my ability to eat late at night (totally destroying all of the freaking running I do) and how I’ve been looking for a cure for this glutinous plague.  Well, I think I’ve found another potential remedy for my piss poor food habits.

Just as an FYI, here is a window into my typical week.  It’s pretty funny.  Monday is ALWAYS my “start over” day.  The day where I decree to focus on healthy life style, stay away from the beer and late night snacking and begin living on the fruits of the earth (proteins, fruits, vegetables and all whole grains).  If I only lived on Mondays I’d be the healthiest freaking dude on the planet.  Tuesdays are the focus day.  This is the day that my body typically goes through a carbohydrate detoxification and I have those crazy food headaches (but I’m staying healthy).  Wednesday is the day where I start to feel less packed full of gravy and cheese sticks and then it happens; damn you Thursday, damn you!  Thursdays are a day where I start to feel good.   I justify that it’s ok to have a big dinner, throw in desert and then that little voice says… “Hell, you work out, so toss in a snack or two before bed too because you’ve run a couple times during the week and deserve to eat what you want”.  If we wanted to use metaphors, Thursday is my mid-air collision and Friday and Saturday becomes the tail spin and death spiral.  Sunday morning rolls around and I typically look in the mirror and say, “Come on, you really need to focus and get back to that healthy living, don’t you?”  So as a justification for the upcoming healthy living Monday, I tell myself that I’m “starting over” with the healthy focus and it’s ok to give myself one more day of limitless behaviour, which generally means omelettes, Mexican food and we’ll wash breakfast and lunch down with a pizza dinner…because, remember, Monday will be the day we adjust our unhealthy living.  If the previous passage exhausted you, have some sympathy, I live this chaos.

Today I’m going to trick up the world and begin living healthier on a Friday.  Aha, total creativity with that switcher-ooo.  As much as I like change, it’s time to recognize that I’ve been consistently BAD with how I treat my food intake and if I really like change that much, it shouldn’t take that much effort (28 days apparently) to make better choices and focus on taking little steps versus attempting giant leaps. 

I know I’m a bit extreme, but I’d bet that I’m not alone out there.  I have seen too many people live this way (whether their habit is excessive work hours, food intake, alcohol consumption or all of the above).  As I see it, the pressure to make massive behaviour change can become too daunting to deal with and people revert back to the very behaviour they would like to break and they do even more of it.  Yes, I’ve set some lofty goals in life and as I reflect back on the times where I achieved the majority of my goals, were the times I focused on making the little, consistent choices every day.  Yes, I like change, so my first goal of the “simple goals” era; run in the morning.  But seeing that I’m going to run in the morning, I guess I can have some chocolate ice cream before bed…

Finding your rhythm...

I was at a wedding last weekend for a good family friend and I learned a sweet life lesson while enjoying a long weekend with my wife.  We spent 4 days away from the insanity of parenthood, which is always nice and the area of the country we visited (central coastalCalifornia) was unbelievably beautiful.  Coming from a dude who is “naturally insulated” for 65-70 degree weather versus 90 and humid, I really loved this region of the country! We attended the rehearsal dinner on Friday afternoon, retreated back to the hotel for some cocktails and relaxation and on Saturday morning I completed a 5 mile run along the coast, which beats the hell out of running on a treadmill at 545am on any Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday (as I typically do).  When I returned from my run everyone was flying around the hotel, so we grabbed a nice breakfast and started shuffling people to the groom’s house, the church and a few other places where people have to go during “wedding day”.

The ceremony went off without a hitch and approximately 100 people migrated to a spectacular resort on the coast.  We had drinks overlooking the ocean, enjoyed a stellar dinner and then the anxiety kicked in.  The DJ starts off slow (you know…a few bad slow songs, ease people in with some “Motown” and then it’s GO TIME).  The lights dim (even lower than before) and out come the Vegas style club songs.  Regardless of who is getting married, I typically watch the women bust to the floor and most of the guys hang back, drink and talk sports or business - pretending that we aren’t freaking out that our wives, girlfriends or dates will be coming over to the table with that look of, don’t you love me? If you really loved me- you would shake your money maker with me.  Someone pass me a pill-the anxiety is steadily increasing.

Anxiety kicks in because I am in a suit, I have the God given talent to break into a sweat while eating, so dancing in front of strangers and spraying sweat all over them isn’t typically a “cool” thing to do and when you dance at a wedding under these circumstances it becomes a painfully stiff shuffle back and forth to prevent the horror of having someone politely suggest that I “mop” my forehead because I resemble a runner at mile 12 of a half marathon.

All that aside- the music continued and I humoured my wife by dancing for a bit (yes, for a big dude, I can shake my stuff and I’ve got some mad skills), so I bounced along for 2 songs and then retreated for the safety of a cocktail and a chair at the dinner table.

As I made it back to the table I heard a small eruption of cheers as an LMFAO song comes on.  I know the song and although it’s “glow stick worthy”, I’ve never given the tune a standing-O, so I looked back at the floor a bit confused as to what was going on and realized the cheers were for the son of the groom who was in the process of going “all in” on the dance floor.  This dude was fired up and he let all hell fly onto the dance floor.  Arms flailing, jumping, and bouncing and then all of a sudden… EVERYONE was going crazy.  His willingness to be “fearless” on the dance floor and the flash mob he incited was infectious enough that I even decided to leave the cocktail behind and spend the next hour and a half jumping around like a complete jack-ass, but having an amazing time while doing it.

The point to this little ramble is simple.  Sometimes, if you are looking to find your rhythm (whether in work, school or on the dance floor at a friend’s wedding) you have to be willing to “let go” a bit and run the risk of looking like a fool, sweating on someone or blowing out a hammy while dancing to a club mix of LMFAO (like I did).  I know too many people who have sat at the metaphorical “dinner table” and regretted not getting out and dancing a bit.

My new found friend and dance machine was able to teach a lesson without even knowing it and I really appreciated it!  Dance like fools my friends, dance like fools (and let’s not kid ourselves-the women love a dude who is willing to dance)!

Do you have an answer to that question?

What would you say to him? It was odd walking into the dining area and seeing a room full of people, eyes staring back at you, as they try to figure out who was the next person to walk into the “how have they turned out” judgement sanctuary (it really wasn’t that bad, but it makes for a dramatic lead in sentence).  About 70 of us had come together for dinner, cocktails and “catching up” and after a couple hours of drinking, the conversations were becoming more and more interesting.  And then she asked the question…

What would you say to him?

It’s amazing how decades away from people can create such distance, but ironic how such a short amount of time together (and a few cocktails) can break down barriers as if we had just been in class together.  We rehashed stories, laughed at how we had all changed and then laughed even harder how some of us really hadn’t.  It was hilarious to even experience some of the same fears and insecurities about where to go after the party, what we’d talk about in small groups and even though it was a little intimidating to be around all of these people, it felt really comforting to see everyone. 

What would you say to him?

Reunions are an interesting tradition, especially those from high school.  I still remember walking the halls of my high school like it was yesterday and hell, truth be told, I still hang out with the same group of guys I did while attending high school, with the only subtle difference that we now meet out for dinner on Friday nights cruising in our own mini-vans, not our parents (sad, I know).  We’ve all heard and have probably used the cliché phrase, “time flies”, but this past weekend was living proof.  Some of us had gained weight, some of us had lost weight, some of us stayed the same, but overall…we had all appeared to grow up.  The conversations weren’t forced as they felt 20 years ago and the questions were genuine (as were the responses). 

What would you say to him?

At the tail end of the night, a friend of mine who had flown in fromCaliforniato join us for the “party” pointed to my name tag and asked, “What would you say to him?”  I was a bit taken back, partially because I had been drinking for 4 hours and was totally confused by who the hell she was talking about.  So when she hit me a little harder the second time and said, “What would you say to him?” she asked.  I laughed, because she was referring to the picture on my name tag (senior picture from ’91- and yes, I looked good), so all Socrates’esque I blurted out…If I could see myself 20 years ago, I’d tell “me” not to let others dictate who I was going to “be” and that what I was going to experience in those high school years was going to be a small part of a long and incredibly powerful walk through life, so don’t be too happy or too sad about how those years went.  That was exhausting, wasn’t it?  There aren’t any bad answers to a deep question like that, especially an answer fuelled by bad Coors Light from a golf course bar tap.

What would you say to him?

As I fought my two day hang-over and my wife had left with our kids for Florida (I’ll be meeting them at Disney on Friday), I’ve had some time to lay on the couch and contemplate what I would really say if I could bump into myself 20 years ago.  It would be pretty cool to be able to offer advice to yourself from the vantage point of a 20 year “look back”(but in reality, at 18, I wouldn’t have taken the advice, who am I kidding).  That aside, my answer is probably a little lengthier than the quick answer I gave at my reunion, so hear it goes...  I’d tell him to make more mistakes and that making mistakes is great proof that you really trying to experience things.  I’d tell him that “smart” isn’t defined by a grade point (I’ve watched friends carve negative paths out in life based around the stigma placed on them because they had less than A’s and B’s).  Irony strikes again because when all is said and done, the people who I knew with the C’s (and sometimes D’s) are as intelligent today as some of the 4.0 students I knew.  I’d tell him to welcome everyone into his circle and then determine whether they were good for him, not to go the opposite route and judge first (because you never know who you might need in your circle 20 years from now).

 What would you say to him?

What would you say to yourself if you had the chance?  It’s interesting to reflect back and it excites me for one main reason.  We are going to keep on learning.  I’m only 38 and if I’m fortunate to be on this planet for another 30, 40 or 50 years I hope I can look back and laugh about how little I knew at 38.  That, to me, is the greatest part about the lives we live.  Our life experiences keep growing, changing and morphing and we probably won’t recognize it until decades have passed us by.

Thanks for the questionKrishna.  It was great seeing all of you from the class of ’91 and I’ll be curious to know what our conversations feel like in another 20 years and what advice we might be able to give our younger selves in 20 more years.

A new way to "grow up".

What do you want to “be” when you grow up? I have written about this in previous posts, but this concept has been bothering me for some time now.  What has been bothering me you ask?  Well, the answer to the question I pose in the first sentence of this article is a bear trap, isn’t it?  We ask everyone this question at some point in life.  Our teachers asked it, our parents asked it, our friends asked it and as we got older and realized that we weren’t living up to our self-imposed expectations, we started asking ourselves that question all over again.  Truth be told, I wasn’t ever clear on how to answer this question.  Something didn’t feel right about the answers I came up with and more honestly, I never had any clear cut view on what I wanted to “be” when I grew up and I wonder how many people feel the same way? 

What do you want to “be” when you grow up?

I am looking at this question from a different angle and have applied some of my recent coaching to see if it makes sense and here is what I’ve come up with.  When we have this question asked of us or we ask it of someone else, aren’t we asking the question so we better understand or plant the seed with someone relative to what “job” they might have as adults?  That is counter-intuitive to me, because when we get jobs and “grow up” then most of us start fantasizing about ways to not have those jobs anymore and we may begin to look for ways, mid-career, to become something new or refresh the current job we have.  In short, I think asking this question implies that we have one choice to make and we should stick by that choice, which doesn’t seem to be plausible in the real world.  I want to change the answer paradigm when this question is posed, because if I don’t want to answer this question, even today, how can I expect young children to answer it (and fully understand the implications of those choices).  I’m learning what I really want to “be” when I do grow up, but “growing up” doesn’t have to imply that we have to anchor down and stop developing and dreaming.  Let’s be careful to not answer the question of what to “be” with professions, job titles, and monetary plans.  I think I have finally realized why I couldn’t remember wanting to be anything when I was growing up?  I didn’t like having to answer with a job title because it felt to constraining. 

What do I want to “be” when I grow up?

I want to be relaxed.  I’d like to be a traveller.  I want to be nomadic with experiences, but rooted in one community.  I want to be a teacher (and it doesn’t have to be in a classroom) and I want to be able to make choices, learn from them, adjust life when needed and never lose the spirit to make new ones.  Those are the things I want to “be” and those answers wouldn’t have gone over well in my 11^th grade career counselling session. Answering this question with; Doctor, Dentist, Janitor, Recruiter, Salesperson only sets us up to get pissed in the future.  I have realized that I want to “be” more involved in life, but when I was growing up (as most of us probably experienced), I thought you had to answer that question with a title (and falsely assumed that this title would unlock doors to the things I really want to “be”).  That’s where we are wrong.  As I’ve learned, balance is a choice we make every day and it’s no different when you choose what to “be” in life.  The sad part, we don’t teach people real options for what constitutes being something.  I think we are teaching people backwards and we are teaching them that a job is what will define them and is the only option to have what they might want out of life.  We try to say “pick a profession” because it will help give you certain things and although there is some truth to that,  I’m starting to believe that you could choose what you want out of life and then build plans and make life choices that afford you your “be”ing (relaxation, compensation, cultural experiences, etc). 

Spend some time thinking about what you want out of life from the perspective of experiences and then work to build a plan that enables you to achieve those things.  Don’t get hung up on what you do for a living as most of us do, just do whatever it is you do so that you can find the deeper and more powerful aspects of living life and it might help you in the long run.

Fat runner. Oxy-moron or real life scenario?

I dedicate this post to anyone who has consumed ice cream, potato chips, cold pizza (hell, you pick the poison) just before they go to bed.  If you have done this once or twice, you’ll know the voice that echoes in your head as you cram food in your face…it’s ok, eat some more, we’ll run a little extra tomorrow!  Yeah, right. I am a fat runner (first step is admitting it).  I know, it sounds like an oxy-moron, but it’s true.  Although I haven’t run for two weeks (I am running after this article posts); I am running in my 7^th ½ marathon in October, my blood pressure is in a good place and I have a solid collection of medals, but I am 235 pounds.  The weight thing wouldn’t be bad if I was 6’5”, but I am 5’10”, so…yes, I am a fat runner.

A few weeks ago I figured out that balance isn’t something you can find, it’s something that you have to choose.  My previous search for balance had been tailored to managing the “career world” and creating my escape from the corporate hamster wheel (you know the drill…stop the long hours, spend more time with the family, stop checking email at 10pm at night).  I’ve found new ways to make more balanced choices relative to work, so now I am embarking on a new and more challenging quest, the quest to squash the pleasures of late night eating.

I might be in the minority with this weakness, so if this whole topic seems completely foreign to you, please come by my house around 11pm on a random Thursday night and you’ll find me asleep on the couch (this is where the problem starts).  I put my 3 angelic maniacs to bed around9pmand once they go to bed, I go to the couch.  The TV goes on for some mind numbing entertainment and within 20 minutes of my newly found “peace and quiet”, I am out cold.  Phase II of my problem sets in approximately 1 hour after falling asleep.  I stir on the couch, wake up and notice that it’s11pmand I realize that I have to get up at 530am, so I exit the couch and head to bed.  This is decision time.

Once I rub my eyes, stretch a bit and get off the couch, I have a choice.  Go left- through the living room with a clear shot to the stairs and a direct line of sight to the comfort of my king size bed or…go right, through the kitchen and force myself to pass the food corridor of hell.  Who are we kidding?  I go right 7 out of 10 times.  This horrible decision took place, again, last night and as I ate a chunk of chocolate, dipped in peanut butter (my fat guy genes told me that it was totally cool because I needed the protein from the peanut butter and the calories from the chocolate to fuel my muscle healing).  My inner marathon voice shouted, mid-chew, “hey, jackass- why don’t we run once in 9 days before you decide to cram homemade peanut butter cups down our throat at11pm”

The fat guy genes prevailed on Friday night…I ate 3 more pieces of chocolate.

So, I’m off to run this morning and am looking for ways to condition myself to stay out of the kitchen at night, working toward becoming a runner who doesn’t have to run simply to burn off the calories from the mid night food bender that so often plagues me.

Enjoy your weekend and I hope to report in the weeks to come that I have found a way to defeat the late night eating demons and can work toward becoming a “less than fat” runner.