My wife and I have three children. Our oldest is a senior in high school and we’ve just kicked off the new school year. It already feels like the world is spinning too damn fast and the insane part about this senior year experience is how nothing has really changed, but everything feels different. We’ve been through freshman, sophomore, and junior year, so we (his Mom and I) have witnessed all of this stuff before: tennis matches; homecoming dances; swim meets; golf matches; time with friends; band parties; work shifts; leaving his shit around the house; and yet all of it feels different because these are the last times we’ll get to see these things from the vantage point of being his high school parents. Exciting and saddening simultaneously.
Through the summer and into the start of this school year, I could see his wheels turning too: where will I go to school; what will I do for work; is this Common App thing going to be a pain in the ass; where will I live; how many hours do senior pictures take… and then, last weekend, he asked us for perspective on something a bit deeper. He wanted to know why he hadn’t found his “one thing”. I thought I understood what he meant when he asked, but I had to ask for some more clarity. It was early evening on a Sunday night, so as much as I enjoy a good esoteric talk, I wanted to make sure I was going to be able to support what he was looking for and not take us into the wee hours. What he shared hit home. He expressed feeling like he was missing out on some of life because he hadn’t identified something that inspired him, fully. Something that triggered a desire to place all of his passion and energy into it. He went on about how he was feeling and I loved that he took my wife and me down this path. The question saddened me a bit, especially because he was feeling that he was lacking in life because he didn’t have “one thing” to throw all of his life’s energy at. He rattled off a bunch of friends who he assumed had their “one thing” and this assumption was powering his outlook. What caused it?
It’s talked about often – the societal pressure that kids face today – and I think it’s totally different (and more intensified) than my Generation X cronies ever experienced. The idea of finding this “one thing” can be painful. And…with some wisdom behind me, I think to myself, “who wants to find one thing anyway?” Our world is made up of diversity (we look for diversity in school, at work, in our day to day lives – you know, that well rounded person and those differing opinions that make us unique, but somehow, we have shoved the idea that kids must excel at “one thing” and find their passion by the time they graduate high school? I call bullshit. One sport athletes, kids being asked to choose their major before they even go off to college, asking what they want to do for a living (at 17). It all seems so crazy to me, so very real to him.
As a side note: outside my parenting, husbanding, and occasional “adulting” duties, I am a recruiting executive, a coach, and an author. I live by, coach, write about, and share principles that I call Paperclip Thinking. This thinking is a way that triggers the brain to be more divergent in thought and the principles – self valuation, personal accountability, introspection, divergent thought, intentional living – have supported me in opening up the way I make decisions and process deep questions. When I think about various topics I enjoy finding multiple solutions to a perceived challenge and as easy as it can be to get trapped in believing that there is only one right answer to a challenge, I use the following phrase as a way to open up my mind and identify more options. The phrase, “How many ways could we…” does just that. It challenges me to start building lists of possibilities. Let’s apply this Paperclip Thinking to the “one thing” scenario...How many ways could you appreciate the diversity of your life’s many activities? How many ways could tons of experiences add value in your life? How many ways could you choose a profession/activity that inspires you? Start writing and create lists that answer the questions you’ve posed to yourself. I believe the answers will come from the lists of possibilities.
Now here is something else to think about. Are we coaching our children to find “one thing”? Are we inadvertently guiding them to throw all of their energy into one sport, one activity, or one club? Could this be a recipe for pain and pressure? Personal introspection moment…did my wife and I teach our son that he was lacking in life because he didn’t have “one thing”? Maybe. And if so, could we unwind this thinking before the sun rises on Monday morning? Eh – maybe not. I do know this. I love learning from my son. He teaches us as much and as often as we teach him. His question made us think. I, for one, have read a number of stories, watched documentaries, and have spoken to parents about this topic. It seems there are fewer kids sampling life. Could there really be a larger numbers of kids no longer bouncing from season to season, playing different sports, joining different clubs, interacting with different people, and sampling life? They seem to be training, planning and preparing to do their “one thing” and I feel like this might be setting them up for a bubble that is destined to burst.
To my son…if “one thing” is the popular thing now…maybe your “one thing” could be the fact that you are exploring so many things. You are sampling and for that…we are excited for you. Keep it up, my man.
If you enjoy these posts – you might enjoy a copy of my book, “Happiness is Over There” – which is a personal memoir detailing the stories, learnings, and exercises I used to shift my life from dark and chaotic to a life of light and productivity. Through Paperclip Thinking LLC, I also support group and individual coaching sessions as well as book talks for groups of 15-20. You can buy a signed copy at www.paperclipthinking.com or you can email me at travis@paperclipthinking.com to arrange book delivery or set up coaching and group talks/sessions.