What is your "one thing"...

My wife and I have three children.  Our oldest is a senior in high school and we’ve just kicked off the new school year. It already feels like the world is spinning too damn fast and the insane part about this senior year experience is how nothing has really changed, but everything feels different.  We’ve been through freshman, sophomore, and junior year, so we (his Mom and I) have witnessed all of this stuff before: tennis matches; homecoming dances; swim meets; golf matches; time with friends; band parties; work shifts; leaving his shit around the house; and yet all of it feels different because these are the last times we’ll get to see these things from the vantage point of being his high school parents.  Exciting and saddening simultaneously. 

Through the summer and into the start of this school year, I could see his wheels turning too: where will I go to school; what will I do for work; is this Common App thing going to be a pain in the ass; where will I live; how many hours do senior pictures take… and then, last weekend, he asked us for perspective on something a bit deeper.  He wanted to know why he hadn’t found his “one thing”.  I thought I understood what he meant when he asked, but I had to ask for some more clarity.  It was early evening on a Sunday night, so as much as I enjoy a good esoteric talk, I wanted to make sure I was going to be able to support what he was looking for and not take us into the wee hours.  What he shared hit home.  He expressed feeling like he was missing out on some of life because he hadn’t identified something that inspired him, fully.  Something that triggered a desire to place all of his passion and energy into it.  He went on about how he was feeling and I loved that he took my wife and me down this path.  The question saddened me a bit, especially because he was feeling that he was lacking in life because he didn’t have “one thing” to throw all of his life’s energy at.  He rattled off a bunch of friends who he assumed had their “one thing” and this assumption was powering his outlook.  What caused it?

It’s talked about often – the societal pressure that kids face today – and I think it’s totally different (and more intensified) than my Generation X cronies ever experienced.  The idea of finding this “one thing” can be painful.  And…with some wisdom behind me, I think to myself, “who wants to find one thing anyway?”  Our world is made up of diversity (we look for diversity in school, at work, in our day to day lives – you know, that well rounded person and those differing opinions that make us unique, but somehow, we have shoved the idea that kids must excel at “one thing” and find their passion by the time they graduate high school?  I call bullshit.  One sport athletes, kids being asked to choose their major before they even go off to college, asking what they want to do for a living (at 17).  It all seems so crazy to me, so very real to him.

As a side note: outside my parenting, husbanding, and occasional “adulting” duties, I am a recruiting executive, a coach, and an author.  I live by, coach, write about, and share principles that I call Paperclip Thinking.  This thinking is a way that triggers the brain to be more divergent in thought and the principles – self valuation, personal accountability, introspection, divergent thought, intentional living – have supported me in opening up the way I make decisions and process deep questions.  When I think about various topics I enjoy finding multiple solutions to a perceived challenge and as easy as it can be to get trapped in believing that there is only one right answer to a challenge, I use the following phrase as a way to open up my mind and identify more options.  The phrase, “How many ways could we…” does just that.  It challenges me to start building lists of possibilities.  Let’s apply this Paperclip Thinking to the “one thing” scenario...How many ways could you appreciate the diversity of your life’s many activities?  How many ways could tons of experiences add value in your life?  How many ways could you choose a profession/activity that inspires you?  Start writing and create lists that answer the questions you’ve posed to yourself.  I believe the answers will come from the lists of possibilities.

Now here is something else to think about.  Are we coaching our children to find “one thing”?  Are we inadvertently guiding them to throw all of their energy into one sport, one activity, or one club?  Could this be a recipe for pain and pressure?  Personal introspection moment…did my wife and I teach our son that he was lacking in life because he didn’t have “one thing”?  Maybe.  And if so, could we unwind this thinking before the sun rises on Monday morning?  Eh – maybe not.  I do know this.  I love learning from my son.  He teaches us as much and as often as we teach him.  His question made us think.  I, for one, have read a number of stories, watched documentaries, and have spoken to parents about this topic.  It seems there are fewer kids sampling life.  Could there really be a larger numbers of kids no longer bouncing from season to season, playing different sports, joining different clubs, interacting with different people, and sampling life?  They seem to be training, planning and preparing to do their “one thing” and I feel like this might be setting them up for a bubble that is destined to burst.

To my son…if “one thing” is the popular thing now…maybe your “one thing” could be the fact that you are exploring so many things.  You are sampling and for that…we are excited for you.  Keep it up, my man.

If you enjoy these posts – you might enjoy a copy of my book, “Happiness is Over There” – which is a personal memoir detailing the stories, learnings, and exercises I used to shift my life from dark and chaotic to a life of light and productivity.  Through Paperclip Thinking LLC, I also support group and individual coaching sessions as well as book talks for groups of 15-20.  You can buy a signed copy at www.paperclipthinking.com or you can email me at travis@paperclipthinking.com to arrange book delivery or set up coaching and group talks/sessions.

Action, Love, Vulnerability, Transparency, and Resilience

I wrote this as an invocation for the Dearborn Rotary Club.  Thanks for the inspiration Candy Hipple & Lynne Hughes  and for becoming partners in a journey to support shifting perspectives on how the world is viewed.

Action, Love, Vulnerability, Transparency, and Resilience.

Action is energy that powers growth, learning, and experiences- How many ways could we “BE” ACTIVE?

Love is the energy that binds each of us- How many ways could we “BE” LOVING?

Vulnerability is the courage to speak and act with humility about topics that you may feel only impact a few, when in fact, they impact the masses. – How many ways could we “BE” VULNERABLE?

Transparency is the willingness to open your life’s book and speak from the experiences you have had and how they make you feel, so others may benefit. – How many ways could we “BE” TRANSPARENT?

Resilience is the energy that supports ACTION when Love, Vulnerability, and Transparency all seem to fall on deaf ears. – How many ways could we “BE” RESILIENT?

School Shootings, Unemployment, Missing Children, Political Adversity, Economic Challenges… we have so many reasons to consider giving up on the world.  Today, I stand here with the intention of reminding everyone I can reach that beauty still exists: the friends we have around us; the students I encounter daily and their energy for life; the support we are blessed to offer the world; the 49 degrees in the month of February (in Michigan); and the ability for each of us to choose Action, Love, Vulnerability, Transparency, and Resilience, daily! 

Cheeseburgers and Coaching

If you were heading out for a quick dinner and couldn’t decide on what you wanted to eat and you stumbled across a small dive bar, which advertised a killer cheeseburger, what would you do?  I know what I would do…my curiosity (and Pavlovian response) would be raised and I would find myself trying something that I hadn’t expected to try when I left my house on the quest for dinner.

I pop into the bar, grab a seat and notice that everyone is eating burgers, so “when in Rome” is applied, and I would decide to indulge the house specialty, “the burger”.  One bite and I soon realize that this is the most delicious ½ pound, mac and cheese covered, bacon infused, grilled bun heaven that you have ever consumed.  After dinner, I might bump into some friends and what would kick off the small talk? That burger!  I would want to tell everyone about this culinary creation, wouldn’t you? 

This burger experience is my attempt at metaphorically discussing how I feel about coaching.  Coaching and cheeseburgers!  Coaching, to me, is akin to the most delicious cheeseburger I’ve ever consumed and I want people to know how much fun I had with it.  This doesn’t mean you will enjoy it as much as I did (and that’s cool), or you might not frequent that burger bar as regularly as I might (that’s cool, too), but nonetheless, I want to share how delicious that burger was, just like I want to share what coaching’s impact, has been, on me.

As I continue to grow, as a coach, I recognize that I get really excited about what I’ve been working on and am so inspired by what I’ve experienced that I have fallen prey to crossing the “preachy” line with respect to my coaching.  I’m asking the universe for a “do over” and I’m resetting my intention to be very simple- I intend to share one person’s story, mine, so anyone who has curiosity about personal perspective changes, they will have access to the information I’ve been blessed to garner.  And if coaching isn't right for someone, that's cool by me, too.

I began my coaching journey in 2008, and I’ve been documenting and defining my experiences, distilling them into a series of principles that supported me and they are now the cornerstone of what I share with others. 

What I learned, embraced, and now live by, were experiences, exercises, and discussions that were intended to be shared and they were passed from my coach to me and from her coach to her, so I’d like to keep this sharing alive and pass some of my experiences and principles to others who might have curiosity.  Back to the burger for a minute-  I didn’t make that burger, but I loved the experience, so I share and I didn’t make these principles, but I love them and the experiences they’ve afforded, so I share.

The belief systems and some of the exercises that tie to the principles of the coaching, have been around for hundreds, if not thousands of years, and they will be around for hundreds and thousands of years, to come.  I feel fortunate to have been introduced to them and I have applied these principles to support being more peaceful, more mindful, healthier, more compassionate, and more loving with those I encounter.

My engagement with my children has increased, I’ve been able to succinctly define what I value of myself (and how those values could support others), I have a deeper connection with my wife, the elimination of personal financial debt became a reality, and I’ve re-ignited my health and physical well-being.  I’ve noticed a deeper mindfulness through daily meditation and an increase in the quality of my sleep.  I’m enjoying the lens I use to view life and I’m wondering if these results could add value to others, too? 

I’ve included a snapshot of the principles I coach and support:

• ·         The Want Wheel- defining what we value of ourselves and aligning those values into adding value for others.
• ·         Keeping a Clean Front Porch- embracing personal accountability, so that accountability can translate into powerful choices & agreements.
• ·         Looking in the Mirror- engaging vulnerability and introspection to deepen relationships.
• ·         Thinking Like a 5 year Old - creativity & innovation exercises for productivity and wellness.
• ·         Power Intentions – building and recognizing intentions that support the manifestation of your wants.

If you are curious (or hungry)- don’t be a stranger!  #trytheburger

Look in the Mirror: I was creating the CEO of Mom & Dad's Basement

Most of my readers know that I started my career as a recruiter, so I am in a business rooted in exploring, learning and understanding other people’s perspectives and pairing them with an organization who compliments and enhances their passions, interests and skills.  We interview thousands of candidates and hiring managers and most of us have some funny stories about the things we’ve heard or what we’ve seen during the interview process.  Another area of discussion, inside our industry, is the “cross generational” leadership and how 4 generations will survive in the current world of work.  Boomers, X’rs, GenY and now GenZ (birth years in the late 90’s-current) are either in the workforce now or will be entering in a few years and I have been fascinated by the discussion around how each of the generations think, act and lead.  Summary from my experiences; boomer=work ethic & worth ethic, X’rs= the original impatient professional, GenY= why do we have to do that, and GenZ (the iGeneration who only know information gathered at the speed of light).  Lots of talk about GenY and GenZ regarding their perceived disenchantment, work ethic and incessant questioning.  Where does that come from?

Over the last year, I’ve had a surprising number of interactions with parents.  Yes.  I said “parents”, as in… the parents of the candidates who I am interviewing and hiring for the business I support.  I thought calls from Mom or Dad asking why their child did or didn’t get a job were an isolated incident or two, so I reached out to friends in the business and have confirmed with a number of colleagues that this behavior is occurring more frequently.  My coaching business, Paperclip Thinking (www.paperclipthinking.com), has a foundational component that I call, “looking in the mirror”, and it is our way of supporting the ability to look inward and own our behaviors, so we can work toward a change in life that we’ve intended to achieve.  When I received my first call from a parent, I judged.  Then I laughed at the absurdity of a call like that and then I had a minor panic attack.  Was I supporting my kids to be the CEO of Mom or Dad’s basement?  How will GenY or more personal to me, GenZ, ever add value and prosper if Mom or Dad were still calling and checking in with their children’s potential employers at 23 or 24 years of age?  I would never do that, would I?  Well...

About a year ago - one of my children looked like he was about to “break down” and cry as I came downstairs from a conference call (I work from home) and I asked if everything was OK?  He quickly snapped, “I’m hungry”, which we’ve all heard from our children, so I didn’t think anything of it.  As additional context, my fridge was full and the bread was on the counter, so I did what any engaged and connected parent would do; I jumped in, ran to the fridge, and busted out a sweet ham and colby jack sandwich to satiate his hunger.  He was fed, he seemed happy and I felt like I was doing a adding value.  

Now we “flash back” to my “looking in the mirror” after receiving a call from a parent and then judging the parent who was calling me for interview feedback about their child.

I wondered if my child, who was sitting hungry and somewhat helpless, waiting for someone to “feed him” (btw- he was 12 at the time), was any different than a young man or woman sitting at home, wanting a job and waiting for their parent to call the recruiter for feedback?  Where would this behavior come from?  Was I playing a part in creating the very behavior I was judging?  Could this be the start of a behavior trail that leads to me picking up the phone and calling one of his prospective employers in 10 years, while he sits on my couch?  

As parents, we’ve worked so diligently to support our children, so when does that support cross the line and become fostered enablement?  Flash forward a few years… my oldest will be preparing for college, four years later - graduation, and then interviews for his first career.  My wife and I decided to make a change with baby steps toward supporting them by teaching and empowering them to own the behaviors and skills that will support them long term.  We’ve balanced the scale with regard to “doing for them” and “teaching them to do” and it started with simple tasks; scrambling eggs, making a sandwich and cleaning up the disaster zone that typically follows our cooking.  We morphed into laundry (carrying clothes from the basement to returning their clothes to their rooms) and now we are supporting them with holding their own conversations with teachers, friends and other adults, so they are comfortable with the process.  By the way- this exercise has drastically reduced the amount of laundry I have to do, because they were shocked at how many times they had to hump up stairs when they wear something once and dump it in the dirty clothes pile.

I realized that my behaviors, as a parent, were setting up a belief system with my kids that could have led to me being the one calling a recruiter or hiring leader and asking why my son or daughter did or didn’t get hired.  What we’ve learned, so far...is that teaching these tasks was almost as fun as watching the kids learn.  My resentment levels (feeling like we have to do everything) dropped and the time we all gain back from partnering on running our household has been reinvested in “us” time.

Our children will be candidates for career professions in 5, 10, or maybe 15 years and as a coach and recruiter, if I’m frustrated with the behaviors of any of the generations behind me (Millennial, Gen Z, etc.) - it makes sense to look in the mirror and realize that I had a role in shaping some of these behaviors, so as a parent, I can adjust my thoughts and behaviors and support a new way of thinking and behaving, so we don’t end up with a generation of “CEO’s of Mom & Dad’s Basement”.

In September, Paperclip Thinking LLC will be partnering with KD Innovate (another innovative coaching business) on a monthly series where parents and children can come together and be introduced to healthy conversations and exercises, which have added value to our families, so please be on the lookout for more information and leave a comment if you have a perspective you’d like to share.